Sex and drugs and rock and roll

Sigh….. current state of mind can be pictured as follows. Damn, I thought I had dealt with that ages ago but here it is again. Stupidity laced with destruction.

Sigh….. I-tjing on my current situation 58 with changing line 5 and my book says about that: Wein, Mann und Gesang which is German for sex and drugs (Wein = wine) and rock and roll. You are engulfed in it, might go down. Don’t build your house on unstable grounds.

Guess it would be nice to know where the stable ground is currently. Last week I’ve made a beautiful step in coming to know the darkness within. Even though I had always thought that to be a heroic thing, actually it was at that moment, but now it works out I’m now sitting with this internal whining child and I really have no clue as to how to proceed. What do you do with a whining child? My first reaction is/was to tell it off, tell it to stop moaning. I guess I would be using despise to make it set the boundaries. But I don’t want to go there anymore. And I can’t. I do not want to tell myself to stop because with the whining comes a last resort energetic control mechanism which I don’t want to give up. Hmmm. Well, hexagram 58 also says something about over sharing. That would be applicable. :-/

And on the question what about the boundaries I got hexagram 60 which is about boundaries and the natural needs for it. And still I’m not willing to deal with the whining child. πŸ™‚ Acceptance of what I can’t bear springs to mind. It’s not there. I’m don’t think I allow myself to cry over things I think I did wrong. ‘No use crying over spilled milk’ attitude combined with ‘As long as you still have the energy to complain there really is nothing wrong with you.’ Adding insult to injury. I don’t even need others to do that for me. Damn what a pffffff blegh post. I feel I can’t write anymore because I told the store man my blog name and that was all fine when we were all fine but now I’m not fine with things and it is difficult. 😦

I am sort of happy that I quit. It is a strange time because the current weather continually reminds me of the process I went through last year at this time. I have written about it before but there is stuff I need to get out of my system and I can’t find what it is so I’ll just start where there is an entry.

About a month ago last year I got run of my bike by a car. Nothing major because he only got the back of my bike and I somehow did not land under it or under the next one so all was well-ish but shit did I get a fright. It was not a nice experience to see a car come speeding at me. Even though I had been waking up everyday with the question ‘Would this be the day that I kill myself’ at that moment the biology clearly indicated: I want to live! My therapist has been the one to jokingly tell me that nothing works so well against depression as a life threatening situation. Well, guess he was right. πŸ™‚

I had already told my GP that I had an issue with booze and she did not blink or blush (that is a Dutch saying) and said something like: ‘Well, we need to look into that then.’ No pressure. Just ‘We need to look into that then.’. The no pressure is so important. Funny that she knew, she also said ‘All on your own time.’ And I guess there she had me because shit do I hate pressure and I realised that if I wanted to do something about it she was the one to help me but because she gave me the freedom: I had to step up. She was God sent. πŸ™‚ ❀

I actually used my brains for the stepping up. I started a Word document that contained all my questions and answers and some blog like posts. Here is one of the 14th of July 2014:

14 July 2014

Keep on thinking: Not addicted to alcohol, just drinking too much. Yeah. Right.

Looking up health stuff on the net. Finally realised that getting healthy is more important than being ashamed and being afraid to be found out. Did lie to my aunty today, by mail, to inform her of me going to do a diet.

Missing when detoxing: thiamine, folate, and a multivitamin in isotonic saline with 5 percent dextrose. Trying to find out what to stock up on before entering the program.

Thiamine: 1100 mg ADH

Folaat: 300 micrograms per day

Potassium = kalium

The cat keeps calling me away from the computer. She just growled at me for petting her wrong. I burst out in tears, feel absolutely useless. Don’t know how to reach out, don’t know how to touch, offend people (and cats) fucking abrasive character. What use am I?

Been speaking to SIL on the phone. Hate to lie. Did though.

Checking out the website of the programme. Some of the therapists look horrible, in a way that the scare me. Very scared of the head of meds.

Ghegheghe, just looked up the head of meds again. I am pretty sure now I would not have fitted in with the bunch. I think I actually saved myself by not going there. I think my initiative would not have survived this bunch of old men. And that is what I was feeling all along, the more steps I had with signing up for the (inhouse/outhouse) programme, the more I felt my life’s fire was quenched. And when finally the organisation did not phone me at a moment they said they would have I had a sort of mental breakdown / buildup (not sure anymore which). With that I realised that I had made myself totally dependent on them and ieew that felt wrong. And a special date coming up I wanted to quit before that so I did. Sort of an all or nothing thing. Well, not sort of. It was, then. Intense process with a tremendous swing from preferring death and being dependent to looking for life and the need to be independent.

Where am I headed with this. Not sure. Currently bugged by the idea that I am not going anywhere with my life. Stuck in this indecision thingy for days. Can’t seem to work it out. And it causes this ‘you might as well be drinking’ thought to pop up. Which I know is not true but I’m in need of more than just knowing it is not true. So I keep on writing and see what pops up. I feel I’ve done stupid things and I want the feeling about it to go away. But if feels like that would require sticking my head in a hornets nest. Hmmm, that nest is of my own doing. Don’t want to realise that. Prefer denial. Another piece from the file before I quit:

Levels of denial

1 lack of information

2 defensiveness – knows something is wrong yet does not want to face the consequences

3 Denial: unconscious defence meganism to guard against pain and helplessness

4 Delusion: deeply mistaken believe held in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

I do not allow myself a live. I keep on punishing myself for being wrong. And there’s no need to stop drinking because that would be superficial, arrogant, demanding a right to live.

So much destruction. Punishment. Guilt. Shame. I need to go out of this house and do stuff. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Hope you have a more joyful day ;-). I’m off to do stuff. Not sure what, it will come up when I’m at my bike.

xx, Feeling


2 thoughts on “Sex and drugs and rock and roll

  1. very raw, i appreciate that. there is a lot to be learned from this, especially the levels of denial. i feel very much at one of those levels at certain points in my day, and this is an opportunity to begin looking out for them

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi SYT, good to see you here too! Thank you for dropping by. And yes raw. My posts are almost unedited which means that write stuff in one go, do a spell check and push the button. I only go back to put paragraphs in a different order or write a connecting sentence. I do so because I want to catch the first feeling, not the version where I deliberately try to make it more ‘beautiful’ or more ‘comprehendable’ or more ‘attractive’. I found out that those are traps for me. And yes, it does mean that I overshare but I want to show what is really going on with me – also the darker parts. All reasons why I like to be anonymous. πŸ™‚
      Hope to see you here more often.
      xx, Feeling


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