I spoke with my shoulder

My arm and shoulder have been hurting bad since a few weeks. Yesterday I was inspired by the video from Mary O’Malley on ‘What is in the way IS The Way’. So I this morning I spoke with my shoulder and arm:

– What is the problem? Why are you hurting? Would you like to tell me?

– You let me carry everything, all the stress about finances. I am just a shoulder, I should carry THINGS – not worries. I do not know about finances and still you put all the stress on me.

Gone was the pain for several hours. I actually requested remission for local taxes today. NEW!! Never done that. And without shame. And that is NEW too. Not sure if it is a sustainable way to not pay my way in life – biologically I think it is not working. But for now it is the care I am able of taking.

Yesterday I was at the store. The store man does not seem to have an easy time not smoking pot. It looks like he dived into the deep and the dark immediately. I’ll bring him the Gabor Maté book – looks like that matches his mood. :-/ He does not seem to be quitting on based on knowledge but more on one insight and a decisions. I’m thinking knowledge can help but I need to get away from my need for meddling in order to do so.

I used to think that quitting pot is easier than quitting alcohol because alcohol is so socially accepted. It is not that your family will offer you a joint as appetizer before the Christmas dinner…. or… well, mine did not… But here in Amsterdam every 5th store is a ‘coffee’ shop and on sunny days every 20th person is smoking pot. That is pretty much right in your face. And with alcohol one can look the other way. Pot smells and you cannot stop breathing. :-/ Does anybody know a good book on quitting pot?

I have decided to continue writing as if I have never told him my blog name. However he’s not been around (I can see in the stats because I have non to few Dutch visitors). I might have acted too quickly because I was happy to include him in the sober club. 🙂 But it does set off all kinds of processes in me that I do not want to deal with; feeling like I should rephrase things, feeling like I can’t write anymore what I want.

Now there is a point. I have written things about people, mostly my brother, which are not nice. I can see now that I do/did not come from a place of compassion when writing about historical events. I needed to let out my hurt and possibly in one go also hurt somebody else. 😦 Not proud of it now. I am happy that I quit because no matter how painful it is to discover these things, the pain of drinking, continuing destructive behavior towards others and being in denial over that are worse. Not that I weigh hurt on a balance and choose for the lesser pain… there is some morality or genuine wish to do good within. But I actually also do think that doing the good thing is the one that brings less pain. Otherwise living would be very unsustainable.

So, I am happy that I quit. I worry about the store man. I should not because he feels intention through the air.

I want: to continue with living and developing and sorting out this issue I have with finances.

I need: to do exactly that

I take: nothing yet, want to sort out stuff but haven’t gotten to it.

3 Things that went well: my applying for remission AND not feeling guilty about it. For me it is about facing my biggest fear of and being able to ask help. 🙂 Not sure if there is a difference between those two. And of course I am happy to be able to mention here that things are going better because you as a reader must be getting pretty bored with the ‘I can’t’. 🙂 Also I set my alarm clock this morning again because I feel I want and need to do so much stuff AND read a book the store man gave me AND see the Future of Healing conference. I feel parts of m life’s energy is coming back now I find an entrance into finance and the denial is slowly dissolving. Not sure if that is the right word.

Yesterday I did not do what I told my SIL I was going to do. I dreamed all night on how she and my brother were berating me and taking their hands off me. I answered by becoming stealthy, defiant and eating licorice (?). I also met a man at the store, he has been logging his dreams for 30 years now and has about 15.000 descriptions. It was very interesting to listen to him speak about his dream logging. 🙂

I hope you have a nice day / evening,

xx, Feeling

5 thoughts on “I spoke with my shoulder

  1. I find myself doing the same thing-if someone mentions they might want sobriety I jump in to “help”. I have found it helps neither of us. I become bossy and they become defensive. This is one area where passing on info, like your blog, and stepping back, is the right thing to do. It’s hard. But it is also better for you.

    I think applying for tax relief is an excellent move. The tax office is a non judgemental business, so I would not let guilt into that picture. Take whatever steps you need to set yourself up for success.

    It is so great to read about your positive actions. They seem clear and decisive. Like you are following your intuition, but in a smart way.

    As an aside, I love books and knowledge like you do. My therapist cringes, but it is how I best absorb new things. And it is easier to approach things from an analytical side. The emotional side is slowly developing. Some day they will merge!


    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, help and intention. We have a Dutch saying it sort of goes like this: ‘the pathway to hell is paved with good intentions.’ 🙂
      He smoked again and today got really pissed with me on handing him the Gabor Maté book – the store man sometimes walks in this same darkness as Maté does – I thought he would ‘like’ it. He did not. I understand where he’s coming from, I just never understand the shitload of anger he puts behind anything, everything, all guns blazing. I haven’t worked that out though. I am growing distrust.
      Seems like he broke up with his GF sort of for real now. Not a good timing to quit anything. But anyway, it is not my care.
      What I’m doing now is doing what needs to be done to repair me and my first chakra issues. When drinking I could not get clarity there. Now I can sort of feel a little sometimes in that area. But still, first chakra openers make me cry and cry and cry and feel lost. :-/ Big energetic blocks / damage. 😦
      I actually don’t think I analyse a lot – if anything I think that other people do not use their brains (ooh F!!! this arrogance, it is unbelievable. I guess it stems from always having been the smartest girl in the class – never been contradicted a lot :-(. That is bad for development. Yeah, sorry again world 😦 Working on it!) To me it feels like my brain and body feel our way through things, through knowledge. But hey, my heart and head line in my palm are combined into a simian line so….. if there is anybody who does not know how to differentiate between feeling and thinking and unconciously mixes these up it is me. :-/
      I’m rattling. I miss my mom.


      • Hug. Let he bookstore guy find his own way.
        I’m working on opening my chakras too. I’ve repressed my own wants an needs for a long time. They need to be set free.

        We will both be ok.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Feeling,
    Anne is right, and so are you.
    Bookstore man must decide for himself if he wants to be healthy.
    I am very careful to just speak for myself in terms of sobriety.
    Hugs to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, that’s what I’ve learned now. And I have all so learned I can not afford him as friend because any ‘comments’ spoken with the power he has sends me reeling, go over the edge to the dark side I know so well. And with time this voice pops up saying I might have a drink to forget everything. 😦 I guess I’m not yet over the concept of choosing dangerous men.


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