My arm and shoulder have been hurting bad since a few weeks. Yesterday I was inspired by the video from Mary O’Malley on ‘What is in the way IS The Way’. So I this morning I spoke with my shoulder and arm:
– What is the problem? Why are you hurting? Would you like to tell me?
– You let me carry everything, all the stress about finances. I am just a shoulder, I should carry THINGS – not worries. I do not know about finances and still you put all the stress on me.
Gone was the pain for several hours. I actually requested remission for local taxes today. NEW!! Never done that. And without shame. And that is NEW too. Not sure if it is a sustainable way to not pay my way in life – biologically I think it is not working. But for now it is the care I am able of taking.
Yesterday I was at the store. The store man does not seem to have an easy time not smoking pot. It looks like he dived into the deep and the dark immediately. I’ll bring him the Gabor Maté book – looks like that matches his mood. He does not seem to be quitting on based on knowledge but more on one insight and a decisions. I’m thinking knowledge can help but I need to get away from my need for meddling in order to do so.
I used to think that quitting pot is easier than quitting alcohol because alcohol is so socially accepted. It is not that your family will offer you a joint as appetizer before the Christmas dinner…. or… well, mine did not… But here in Amsterdam every 5th store is a ‘coffee’ shop and on sunny days every 20th person is smoking pot. That is pretty much right in your face. And with alcohol one can look the other way. Pot smells and you cannot stop breathing. Does anybody know a good book on quitting pot?
I have decided to continue writing as if I have never told him my blog name. However he’s not been around (I can see in the stats because I have non to few Dutch visitors). I might have acted too quickly because I was happy to include him in the sober club. 🙂 But it does set off all kinds of processes in me that I do not want to deal with; feeling like I should rephrase things, feeling like I can’t write anymore what I want.
Now there is a point. I have written things about people, mostly my brother, which are not nice. I can see now that I do/did not come from a place of compassion when writing about historical events. I needed to let out my hurt and possibly in one go also hurt somebody else. 😦 Not proud of it now. I am happy that I quit because no matter how painful it is to discover these things, the pain of drinking, continuing destructive behavior towards others and being in denial over that are worse. Not that I weigh hurt on a balance and choose for the lesser pain… there is some morality or genuine wish to do good within. But I actually also do think that doing the good thing is the one that brings less pain. Otherwise living would be very unsustainable.
So, I am happy that I quit. I worry about the store man. I should not because he feels intention through the air.
I want: to continue with living and developing and sorting out this issue I have with finances.
I need: to do exactly that
I take: nothing yet, want to sort out stuff but haven’t gotten to it.
3 Things that went well: my applying for remission AND not feeling guilty about it. For me it is about facing my biggest fear of and being able to ask help. 🙂 Not sure if there is a difference between those two. And of course I am happy to be able to mention here that things are going better because you as a reader must be getting pretty bored with the ‘I can’t’. 🙂 Also I set my alarm clock this morning again because I feel I want and need to do so much stuff AND read a book the store man gave me AND see the Future of Healing conference. I feel parts of m life’s energy is coming back now I find an entrance into finance and the denial is slowly dissolving. Not sure if that is the right word.
Yesterday I did not do what I told my SIL I was going to do. I dreamed all night on how she and my brother were berating me and taking their hands off me. I answered by becoming stealthy, defiant and eating licorice (?). I also met a man at the store, he has been logging his dreams for 30 years now and has about 15.000 descriptions. It was very interesting to listen to him speak about his dream logging. 🙂
I hope you have a nice day / evening,