Told the bookstore man my blog name…

Not sure if I use the correct words but the store man told me today that he’s looking at quitting smoking pot – or something along those lines. And so (?) I told him my blog name…… (Hi!!) Warned him of the content. I forgot about the romantic fantasties, so here’s the heads up! 😀 Hmmm, what’s in a name….. Sigh. Gheghehghe….. grrrrrr and WHRAAAAAAAH!

We shall see. Not sure why I did this. Might need to work that out. I’m guessing it is because he’s now ‘one of us’. Ghegheghe…. enlisted. 😀

Funny that I do not worry about what I wrote. I suddenly do worry about what I might not write in the future. Hmmm… We shall see. Funny concept a not so anonymous anonymous blog. Guess there can be a trap in writing about issues while actually, secretly addressing things that I want the store man to read. Need to not do that. Stay clean and clear. Hmmm. What if I already stepped into that trap by mentioning the blog name. Tsssss….. Pffffff…. Hmmmm… So, there is now a need to stay clean in my intentions. Ok.

I am happy that I quit. Why? Because I finally feel I have my old self back ever since I read this tea label ‘Time to leave the past behind’. Yes, still doing development by tea label. 🙂

I need: to continue on the path that I am at. Finances have been given to the finance man who is collecting money out of every corner. If all works well I’ll be getting at least 6 months worth of living back from the taxes but…. that might be AFTER I go broke on paying the current taxes :-D. So there is a little hole to be filled. Possibly with a job :-D. Yes I am joking and no I am not content with how I have dealt with this. Well, actually, I can moan about what I did, like I can moan about having been drinking but maybe, maybe, maybe I should be looking at what I am doing now. How I am dealing and I am still not on top of it but I am getting there. The fog is leaving and I am (finally) putting in good efforts in applying for jobs. If this is what it takes, this is what it takes.

I want: to continue to feel able. Control issue? It is nice to not feel like my life is slipping out of my hands. I also found a place to be where I trust that all will be ok in the end. If it is not ok, it is not the end. That is NEW. Not sure if I mentioned it before: the catastrophic thinking is gone. I hope, I guess. Not sure now anymore, maybe I am just better at denying? :-D. Well, negative feedback is not gone yet I notice :-D.

I also found my HP definition / feel. I had in my ayahuasca ceremonies already met the ‘natural order of things’ but that natural order was an order because there is also something not in order. I met the ‘not in order’ a few days ago. It feels like creative chaos with a lot of growth power in it. I am guessing my HP definition does with that not differ from I don’t know what religion? It’s a bit of a yin-yang concept. And it includes my frustration about my ‘female’ life energy being enclosed and ordenend (is that a word?) by the ‘male’ so there’s food for thought too. :-/ A few days ago I had it all worked out and stabilised without the destructive male / female thing on it. It’s not easy to let go of. Sometimes I am in this mode where I don’t feel like a woman when I’m not allowed to be all over the place. With that comes the thought that anything that looks like order and comes from the outside directly ties me down, rapes and destructs me. Wonder what archetype thinking that would be. Please leave a note if you have thoughts on this. 🙂

I am guessing that, along those lines of thinking, creating order in my life feels like destruction of me. I guess that is very much how I experience it. But the funny part of it is that I do order a lot of things; everybody elses shit preferably. 😀 There is a need for order in me. Just not applying it in the right place. Order and restriction, not my favorites. Also noticing that there is a whole world of difference in my reaction to those words when I feel through it, let my instincts run free – or when I actually think about it. Hmmm…. need to let this sink in. What I do notice is that there are natural movements, energies like ‘a need to order’ and ‘a need to be free’ but that I do not apply them ‘logically’ or ‘naturally’ or, what would the word be? I’m guessing that has to do with blockages, misunderstandings of concepts. In the way that addiction is a misunderstanding of life. I have no more words to this. Need to let it sink in.

3 Things that I am content with: I contacted the head of a big organisation with a business proposal and he was interested. I also applied for a job there. And the finances and taxes and shit being sorted out – that is a good feeling. Also I did yoga for 2 days. Nothing big, just 20 minutes with the strangest of ‘starter’ poses the book suggested: oeddijana (stand, exhale, pull in belly muscles to the spine and up), candle, plough, cobra, forward bend when sitting down, bow followed up with 5 different breathing exercises. I did not know I had let myself go so far. Informative. Well, I have noticed that the slow introduction of new habits into my life is good. I’m guessing I should see if I keep up with this one. 🙂 And I am STILL not good at being content – can’t write anything good without dismantling it directly.

This discontent is engrained in my face, the corners of my mouth hang when my face is relaxed. I dislike that. When I walk the streets and really look at peoples faces and recognise the same I keep on thinking: you have not understood what it is about, life is NOT about storing sad memories and remembering all the negatives. Which… is easier to see and judge than to heal in myself. ;-).

I take: there is a Schuessler cell salt that actually says to work (literally!) against drooping corners of the mouth. 🙂 Ghegheghe… I think I should be taking this and making a cream of it too. 😀 FYI: the rest of the Schuessler salt text is about negativity, loss and sadness.

Well, so much so far. Hope you are doing well. I’m still not being very social when it comes to reading and responding. I need all my energy to get my life aligned. Which is good. That is what I got sober for :-).

Have a nice evening/day/night,

xx, Feeling

8 thoughts on “Told the bookstore man my blog name…

  1. Dear Feeling,
    Oh, I think it’s cool you let bookstore man know about your blog.
    My family and husband read mine, so I have to be a little careful on what I say, so I still have family and husband who like me! 🙂
    You sound good here.
    You are applying to jobs, doing some yoga, and you are happy to be sober again!!
    I haven’t posted this week, as I just can’t think of what to write!
    I think I have writer’s block!
    Hugs, Dear Lady!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow! Your family and husband read your blog. Wow! That is magnificent. I, hmmmm…. would not dare to and I don’t even have a husband, nor a lot of family….

      I can imagine that other people might not be overwhelmed with joy because some of us, including me, have said some nasty stuff about his behavior where as ‘ that &@!#?!!! is leading you on’ is the nice description. Maybe I should take that post out, or delete some of the comments?
      Writers block 🙂 I am interested to hear what happens there. Is it a cool being content with life or is it a frustration and not knowing where to start?
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Feeling in the US that facial expression is called ‘resting bitch face’ and I think we all have it! When I was recording interviews with Veronica I became very aware of mine and so spent a lot of energy trying to half smile instead!! LOL 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hahahahaha!!!! Resting bitch face! Make my day!!! 🙂 Ghegheghehe.. I’ve got it…. 😀

      It sounds funny but I think it is a good thing to try to smile. I notice it makes me feel better. It is an outside in thing. I’m hardly ever for outside in but this one, well, it works. 🙂 <- See?

      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Cool! You sound much more upbeat. That’s great.
    When you figure out how to release the unhappy memories that bog us down let me know. I had a session with an energy healer and she released something. I have been sad and crying, feeling like I did when I was little and I could never get my mom to love me. She just never did. It’s all coming out and I would love to release these thoughts and let them go.

    In my meditation class the guide told me I always smile through the meditation. He said most people don’t, but he noticed it because I practically glowed. I like to remember that that happy, peaceful side is in there, hopefully expanding to take over the sad side.


    Liked by 2 people

    • Ooh dear Anne, I want to fly over and hug you. It must be horrible to know already as a child that your mother is incapable of loving. 😦 How sad.

      Yes, I finally think I am dealing with what I had to become sober for. Not that what I did before was a waste, just that I had to go through that to come here where the real obstacle lies. At least, that is how it feels right now.

      Btw: I’m curious, nobody refers to me giving the bookstore man my blogname (I’m guessing he has already forgotten it too…) What are your thoughts on this? I have told him that I used to be in love with him and that is ok. I mean, sex stuff exists and sometimes it runs through a conversation a few seconds and then it is gone. No drama, and not specifically something that needs action, just biology – for me. I also said that he can prepare for reading some negative things about him – which, in hindsight, are sometimes more about me than about him. Not sure what you have said about him when I found out about the girlfriend but would you feel uncomfortable with this if you would have written anything not so polite?

      I for myself have decided that I will continue writing as I did but not try to ‘manage/manipulate’ him (if that were at all possible) through my blog. As I should nobody. I should work on my intentions more.

      Practically glowing while meditating. Beautiful. That is what life is about. 🙂 Buddha doesn’t look grim either, does he?

      I myself have released unhappy memories and found new (neurological) pathways by attending ayahuasca ceremonies. Here is a nice short vid that explains how it works. I think that is how it works, at least, from my experience. You might want to check out the new blog I follow from ‘this isn’t what I had in mind’ (he speaks a lot like I do! I am not alone anymore! 🙂 ). Tom has a lot of experience with ayahuasca. And btw, the goal of the ceremonies is to finally learn to open this gate to universal love and healing yourself. Don’t worry about addiction. It’s way too expensive and intense for that. 😉 There are people that go the addict route but if you have the awareness like you have that will not be on your road. Refined drugs like cocaine and heroine and sugar are addictive. This drug gives the hangover upfront: 2 hours of puking out all the negativity and thinking you die before you get to the sweet stuf – if you do. Tom found a lot of dark thruths in his ceremonies. But also healing, the resetting of neurological pathsways. Which is exactly what it has been used for for thousands of years.
      But please let me know if my ‘advertising’ of this troubles you in any way.

      xx, Feeling


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