Another one of my 3 different subjects posts. Don’t feel obliged to read. It’s messy, depressing and unedited – well, I added this part. I need to log new thougths and I had a few, so buckle up.
I just discovered I don’t have a relation between action and consequence. I procrastinate. Well, less now, hardly any, but that is on not because I believe in the results – it is because I write 2 of my friends on an on-off bases on what I am doing. I feel ashamed when I do not do stuff. It makes me feel like a loser.
I think perfection has to do with it too: to my own standards I am never ready nor good enough. One of the biggest sites in my field of expertise (of the failed consumer product company – not my consultancy work) has invited me to enter in a competition because they find my work exciting. To find me they must have gone deep and then they personally invite me. And I? I think I’m way better than anybody who has entered up to now and still don’t send in my work ‘because this and that is not very clear yet’.
I have done a lot lately, but I only look at what I have not done. Literally.
Lately I try to imagine what I would say if somebody else said to me, the things that I say to me and about me. If only I would have a little confidence in what I do the world would be so much bigger. My tea label on the side of the screen says: ‘Life expands according to one’s courage’. That helps me tart up my consultancy website. 🙂 I have finally given this beast of knowledge within me free reign to get it all out there. And other than this blog I do edit and I do only one subject per article. Hey! How’s that? 🙂
Back to the relation between action and consequence: on the eating, the other day I was so surprised that I could ‘feel into food’ and then continue that feeling into the future and notice if I would still feel good. That was an eye-opener for me. I did not know why but I just watched ‘How to be a sober girl’s’ youtube video and she speaks of the relation between action and consequence and that’s where the quarter fell. I don’t have that.
Something about doing the same and expecting different results pops up. Why oh why is that relation so skewed in me? I am guessing now that I have, in a lot of cases been overwhelmed with work, most probably have been severly overworked. Hence the high blood pressure…. And I get distracted easily. You remember the Tarot ‘Fear’ card I kept an drawing? In other explanations it is being overwhelmed and lacking of focus. Yes, that would be me too. My parents have always been overwhelmed with work. My mother was severly overworked for years on end, so tense, so much issues. My father worked 40 hours for his day job and another 20 at the house. No way out.
That is another aspect. I don’t believe there is a ‘way out’. So it does not really matter what I do. It is like not cleaning the house because it will get dirty again anyhow. I have that. I don’t believe anymore, deep down. I do things on the surface but if you really asked me I would have to admit that below all the ‘happy that I quit’ is a depression that runs so deep that I don’t give a shit. It’s like we are two people within one body. One very, very, very tired woman not caring anymore and another trying to live. I guess I should be happy that I get to see the depressed part clearly now. And I guess I should be happy that I see the part that wants to live clearly now.
Energetically they even eachother out so there is no learning experience to any action. Do the wrong thing, feel depressed, do the good thing, feel depressed.
Another thing, I have been eating so much sugar the last weeks that I feel like I have been drinking. I worked out that the sugar on itself is bad, but worse is the sugar as replacement for a meal. My body can’t deal. I know that and I keep on repeating the same and same and same behavior. I actually make up groceries again to go get some chocolate. I mean!!! Remember?!!!! I am actually literally having more difficulty to get a grip on this sugar behavior than I had on drinking. And that is part a ly because in that I do not count all the years of denial and thoughts on moderation that I threw out at wine ‘o clock. But….. ‘Those were not really serious stopping thoughts, so they did not count.’
Well, since I know that going back to where I was is not an option. And progress in ANYTHING is a requirement for me to feel happy I must make sure that I learn something. Today I learned that I lack the connection between action and consequence. I now understand why family keeps on pushing things on me of which they think it is so logical while I am being evasive as evasive gets.
So, am I happy? Nope, just finished a bar of chocolate and that gets me depressed. But since this is an obstacle in my life and it bothers me I will be doing the same as I did with alcohol before: I will promis myself to start to study my behavior. No other promisses, just make a file and chuck anything worth knowing and realising in there. An answer or a way in or out will pop up.
One of the things is that I do not like anything else anymore apart from the good stuff. I used to love chips, now I eat healthy they look and taste like a bunch of fatty potatoes with MSG and too much salt. So I changed to nuts, but they are, I don’t know, real food. I lack sin in my life! I don’t want to go to the good side yet! But my body is telling me I should. Having this big internal Noooooooooooo experience.
So obviously I’m at some turning point and I don’t want to go ‘there’, where ever that might be. Like, be responsible? Quit the underlaying sugar addiction? Can you believe that I only ate 1 cookie or a piece of chocolate say, once a month before I quit drinking? That would be all the refined sugar I would be having. And now? 50 to 100 grams of 72% of chocolate a day. That is 14 to 28 grams of added sugar. Oooh, and I got one of those nice cordials so I make a soda with fizzy water. Cool! Had not had anything with bubbles at home for months.
I am not liking my body on sugar, when I really sit down to realise what is going on and how it feels it feels like I have been drinking. That is why I oppose against it.
One of my neighbours burnt her hand today. I was in the bedroom laying down and she actually screamed so loud that I thought I’ld better check it out. She had been drinking and while doing the dishes threw a pan of boiling water over her arm. Guessing what had happened I went over with some homeopathic stuff for emergencies. I find it difficult to be with her. I need to really keep her ‘vibe’ out of me because it is big and there was a time that we were friends and drinking buddies. Actually she was the one I looked up to like: I never want to be like her. And to complete the story, she was the reason why I could keep drinking because as long as I was not as bad as her I was ok. Yes, sorry to my neighbour, sorry to my body and spirit.
When with her I want to open my heart but when I do her drinking vibe feels like poison to me, it is humongous. This open-close thing confuses me, don’t know how to energetically do that. There might be something in my intention or expectation that makes it difficult. Well anyhow, I don’t have the stability to help her. Did help her with her arm. It looked very painful :-(.
The cat is trying to send me to bed so this is the end of the post.
I am happy that I quit in a sort of tired way. I know I get that way when I don’t see enough progress so I better make sure that I start to feel some progress somewhere. Don’t want to go back to the darkness where I came from. That is still worse than the things I struggle with now. So that is good! 😀 😀 😀
I fear: nothing at the moment, well, yes, I fear that if I do not make progress I am starting to get bored with being sober. Don’t want to go there.
I want: to sleep and everything to be easy and somebody to turn up this week offering me a book / schooling deal in the field of my old consultancy job. I will ofcourse only agree when I get an editor with that ;-).
I need: pffff, yeah. I need somebody to love me and help me. But it is not like that is going to happen. My arms, well, mostly left arm, that froze over the 2,5 day work experience still hurt like crazy with a wrong move and I could find the energy to work out by myself what it is and what I need so I actually went to see a physiotherapist. It works. And I am happy that at least I do not have to do that myself. I am so tired of doing everything by myself. And being secretive about not drinking towards friends and family distanciates me from them so, not good. Don’t know how to proceed there.
I take: some Schuessler salts on high blood pressure but notice that excersize and oxigen are actually more beneficial currently. And regular eating and sleeping too.
Hats off to those who made it to the end of this post. 🙂 Hope you found something of value in it. I did by writing it but… that’s different of course. 🙂 I still have a strong believe that I should log my journey. Still not sure why. There is some idea in me that ‘time will reveal why it is importan’. And of course I hope you find something in it, if nothing else than the ability to be happy that you have moved through some of these issues I am struggling with way quicker and more elegant. Yes, I feel like the elephant of the sober blogosphere. I am getting the feeling that I am stuck development wise, and that makes me bring myself down. Not a good road. It is however informative to see that my first reaction to getting stuck is to turn on myself. Or maybe that is my first reaction to anything. I wish I was a psychiatrist and I could have a little distance and see these patterns better. Or wish I was a magician and magic it all away. But those are subjects for another day. I’m tired so I won’t do the spell check either or look back if the paragraphs actually belong together.
Hope you have a nice day / evening / nigth,