Stressed out

Still running in circles, but the circles get smaller and smaller and they come to the point where it becomes clear that I have to do what I have to do. Which is exactly what I don’t want to do but that would be exactly why I am in trouble.

What do I have to do?

– Less computer time, less cooling down with a Netflix thingy
– More exercise with actual blood pumping around and less stress on the kidneys.
– Less worrying! Well that’s not going to happen. I feel my blood pressure is sky-high, headache (could be sugar detox), blood pounding and ears ringing… sounds like 160 over 90 something. And I have the feeling that nothing I can do is going to even it out. I am assuming 80% of it is stress related since weeks ago when I was relaxed and exercising and doing whatever it takes to get my stress level down I stayed stabel. Pfffff. Grrrrr. And all that is keeping me is the ‘poor me’ that feels like I should have it easy because ‘I quit alcohol already’. I feel like living with somebody behind me lashing a whip every second I relax. I think I will find some moment where I realise that this person is me but shit, I’m not there yet.

Last night I asked myself what my issue with the blood pressure was. My internal voice said: ‘There is nothing physically wrong with you. You are just not willing to accept things, to open up and take them in. You keep so many things out of your experience that your cells are copying that system. You keep running around in your tightness, keeping everything out, you are not able to accept the sweetness of life.’ Not accepting nutrients, that is when the heart needs to push harder to get them in the cell = high blood pressure.

I think to know that my inflexibility, not being able to open up and close at the times that are energetically ‘appropriate’ or ‘biologically’ logical are an issue. I mean, that IS what addiction IS. And I had an immediate flash of ‘things’ being forced into my body and me resisting that. That familiar mix of immense fear overpowering immense anger. So now I, well, I feel shit, my blood pressure is killing me and I am killing me and fuck I don’t want to learn what I have to learn. Letting go of the hurt of painful experiences, letting go of the systems I have developed. I find myself crying for my mother more than 10 times a day.

– I need to apply for jobs, have got 2 months of money left, max. But with all the worrying going on that is going nowhere.

I am, hmmmm, happy that I quit. :-/Β  But I realise I am not feeling that but it has been a intellectual thing for a while already. Hmmm. Can’t imagine the mess I would be in if I would still be drinking now. Sometimes I do get to the point of ‘What the heck!’ But then I remember the other people who had a ‘what the heck’ experience and how to me it it seems to be way more difficult to come back from that than I could bear so… back to my desensitization training….

I fear: Ha! What about ‘everything’? I can’t even read my books currently on what salts or Bach remedies to take. Another form of not being able to ‘take in’.

I take: well, nothing.

I need: what about the concept of ‘help’? And immediately my body goes into this NO! mode trying already to keep the idiotic ways of help from other people out of my system. Very few people can help clean, help without pushing. Hell, I know how bad it is and I can’t. Grrrrr…. I guess I’m going through my Step 2 (isn’t that about believing in HP and trusting?) But I’m just experiencing it a little extreme.

I want: everything to be easy, to be able to put all my worries aside for a bit. Funny that I immediately look for the ‘chuck it out, I do not accept’ route in order to try to relax. There is a whole lot of tension involved in trying to relax. Gheghegheghe….

Sugar: I’m at day 3 or 4 no sugar, going well (ish). I think low blood sugar makes my heart need to pump harder. And yesterday I was out doing stuff and I just forgot to eat. Not sure why. That is pretty new. So my ears were ringing till I got food in me and even that did not really help a lot. I have changed to drinking more water than herb tea. Not enjoying a lot of herb-tea anymore, it feels like it is dehydrating me, the more I drink the more I want to drink. I drink mixed herb tea and I DO NOT FEEL LIKE understanding the 3 * 15 herbs that are in there too so I DO NOT look them up. I just drink water. Which is actually very nice. I had forgotten.

Also I try to make breaks for drinking and eating. Doesn’t always work but it feels good.

Much more to write but not enjoying the screen time. Hope you have a nice day, evening, night.

xx, Feeling

Happy that I quit

I am happy that I quit. These days are difficult but alcohol would only make them more difficult.

I fear: pfffff, the normal stuff

New category in order to lift myself up a little. I am proud of: Hmmm, feel stupid to fill it in. That is because these days I have been doing exactly not what I should have been doing. Pfff, days, only yesterday and today. Note to self: Aaahrgh, stop the moaning and just do it!!!

I am proud of the detailed work I have done yesterday. I have decided to embrace my perfectionism. That is who I am, I am good at perfectionist things in my field. Not sure how that is going to help me survive but trying to be what I am not will neither. And I think with acceptance of the perfectionism there came a possibility to actually look at it and study it. Sigh, development is always where I don’t want to go. I think I can turn it around: I need to do exactly what I do not dare to get to the results I want. As I did with quitting. But I actually still feel like ‘I have done enough. Can’t do anymore.’ Hmmm, there is a Bach remedy for exactly that. Not taking it. Avoiding change even when it is helped along. πŸ˜€ Did I tell you that an astrologist said that the forces of the stars that say ‘go’ within me and the forces of the stars that say ‘stop’ are equally big. I am not sure if I believe in astrology but when I look at my progress I feel there is a lot of go and stop and go and stop in it.

My internal voice says that I need to make my world smaller and chuck out sugar and Facebook etc in order to get clear on this and move outside. Yeah. Gonna do that. I’m on minimum sugar for 2 days now. Fruit and say chips are ok, chocolate, cordials etc. are not. Headache. :-/

I am also proud of….. Hmmm, it’s not working because I have not done what I think I should so I quit writing and go outside. I can not be proud of that in advance.

I want: the wind to stop blowing because it is apple blossom time and the wind has been going for almost a week now. Not good for the bees, or the apples. 😦

I need: to sleep more and to learn to appreciate me. I woke up last night and I was totally zen, like had not happened in years. And within seconds after waking up I felt this huge,Β  overpowering blackness come at me from all sides saying ‘No time to relax, you are inherently wrong’. That was overwhelming. From zen to life threatening stress in 1 second.

It might sound strange to say this but I am grateful that I had the time to notice how this ‘ominous threat that is always around’ walkes into my life. Where it leaches on. It is funny but the art from Lucy Campbell in my former post has learned me to accept parts in me that I could not accept before. I think that allowes me to relax and step out of the ‘inherently wrong’ thought I have about myself. And because I did, for a few waking seconds, not identify with it, I could see it coming.

I hope you have a nice weekend! And if you have not yet, check out the post from Unpickled and Prim, they are cool beyond measure. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

The relation between action and consequence and 10.000 other things

Another one of my 3 different subjects posts. Don’t feel obliged to read. It’s messy, depressing and unedited – well, I added this part. I need to log new thougths and I had a few, so buckle up.

I just discovered I don’t have a relation between action and consequence. I procrastinate. Well, less now, hardly any, but that is on not because I believe in the results – it is because I write 2 of my friends on an on-off bases on what I am doing. I feel ashamed when I do not do stuff. It makes me feel like a loser.

I think perfection has to do with it too: to my own standards I am never ready nor good enough. One of the biggest sites in my field of expertise (of the failed consumer product company – not my consultancy work) has invited me to enter in a competition because they find my work exciting. To find me they must have gone deep and then they personally invite me. And I? I think I’m way better than anybody who has entered up to now and still don’t send in my work ‘because this and that is not very clear yet’.

I have done a lot lately, but I only look at what I have not done. Literally.

Lately I try to imagine what I would say if somebody else said to me, the things that I say to me and about me. If only I would have a little confidence in what I do the world would be so much bigger. My tea label on the side of the screen says: ‘Life expands according to one’s courage’. That helps me tart up my consultancy website. πŸ™‚ I have finally given this beast of knowledge within me free reign to get it all out there. And other than this blog I do edit and I do only one subject per article. Hey! How’s that? πŸ™‚

Back to the relation between action and consequence: on the eating, the other day I was so surprised that I could ‘feel into food’ and then continue that feeling into the future and notice if I would still feel good. That was an eye-opener for me. I did not know why but I just watched ‘How to be a sober girl’s’ youtube video and she speaks of the relation between action and consequence and that’s where the quarter fell. I don’t have that.

Something about doing the same and expecting different results pops up. Why oh why is that relation so skewed in me? I am guessing now that I have, in a lot of cases been overwhelmed with work, most probably have been severly overworked. Hence the high blood pressure…. And I get distracted easily. You remember the Tarot ‘Fear’ card I kept an drawing? In other explanations it is being overwhelmed and lacking of focus. Yes, that would be me too. My parents have always been overwhelmed with work. My mother was severly overworked for years on end, so tense, so much issues. My father worked 40 hours for his day job and another 20 at the house. No way out.

That is another aspect. I don’t believe there is a ‘way out’. So it does not really matter what I do. It is like not cleaning the house because it will get dirty again anyhow. I have that. I don’t believe anymore, deep down. I do things on the surface but if you really asked me I would have to admit that below all the ‘happy that I quit’ is a depression that runs so deep that I don’t give a shit. It’s like we are two people within one body. One very, very, very tired woman not caring anymore and another trying to live. I guess I should be happy that I get to see the depressed part clearly now. And I guess I should be happy that I see the part that wants to live clearly now.

Energetically they even eachother out so there is no learning experience to any action. Do the wrong thing, feel depressed, do the good thing, feel depressed.

Another thing, I have been eating so much sugar the last weeks that I feel like I have been drinking. I worked out that the sugar on itself is bad, but worse is the sugar as replacement for a meal. My body can’t deal. I know that and I keep on repeating the same and same and same behavior. I actually make up groceries again to go get some chocolate. I mean!!! Remember?!!!! I am actually literally having more difficulty to get a grip on this sugar behavior than I had on drinking. And that is part a ly because in that I do not count all the years of denial and thoughts on moderation that I threw out at wine ‘o clock. But….. ‘Those were not really serious stopping thoughts, so they did not count.’

Well, since I know that going back to where I was is not an option. And progress in ANYTHING is a requirement for me to feel happy I must make sure that I learn something. Today I learned that I lack the connection between action and consequence. I now understand why family keeps on pushing things on me of which they think it is so logical while I am being evasive as evasive gets.

So, am I happy? Nope, just finished a bar of chocolate and that gets me depressed. But since this is an obstacle in my life and it bothers me I will be doing the same as I did with alcohol before: I will promis myself to start to study my behavior. No other promisses, just make a file and chuck anything worth knowing and realising in there. An answer or a way in or out will pop up.

One of the things is that I do not like anything else anymore apart from the good stuff. I used to love chips, now I eat healthy they look and taste like a bunch of fatty potatoes with MSG and too much salt. So I changed to nuts, but they are, I don’t know, real food. I lack sin in my life! I don’t want to go to the good side yet! But my body is telling me I should. Having this big internal Noooooooooooo experience.

So obviously I’m at some turning point and I don’t want to go ‘there’, where ever that might be. Like, be responsible? Quit the underlaying sugar addiction? Can you believe that I only ate 1 cookie or a piece of chocolate say, once a month before I quit drinking? That would be all the refined sugar I would be having. And now? 50 to 100 grams of 72% of chocolate a day. That is 14 to 28 grams of added sugar. Oooh, and I got one of those nice cordials so I make a soda with fizzy water. Cool! Had not had anything with bubbles at home for months.

I am not liking my body on sugar, when I really sit down to realise what is going on and how it feels it feels like I have been drinking. That is why I oppose against it.

One of my neighbours burnt her hand today. I was in the bedroom laying down and she actually screamed so loud that I thought I’ld better check it out. She had been drinking and while doing the dishes threw a pan of boiling water over her arm. Guessing what had happened I went over with some homeopathic stuff for emergencies. I find it difficult to be with her. I need to really keep her ‘vibe’ out of me because it is big and there was a time that we were friends and drinking buddies. Actually she was the one I looked up to like: I never want to be like her. And to complete the story, she was the reason why I could keep drinking because as long as I was not as bad as her I was ok. Yes, sorry to my neighbour, sorry to my body and spirit.

When with her I want to open my heart but when I do her drinking vibe feels like poison to me, it is humongous. This open-close thing confuses me, don’t know how to energetically do that. There might be something in my intention or expectation that makes it difficult. Well anyhow, I don’t have the stability to help her. Did help her with her arm. It looked very painful :-(.

The cat is trying to send me to bed so this is the end of the post.

I am happy that I quit in a sort of tired way. I know I get that way when I don’t see enough progress so I better make sure that I start to feel some progress somewhere. Don’t want to go back to the darkness where I came from. That is still worse than the things I struggle with now. So that is good! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

I fear: nothing at the moment, well, yes, I fear that if I do not make progress I am starting to get bored with being sober. Don’t want to go there.

I want: to sleep and everything to be easy and somebody to turn up this week offering me a book / schooling deal in the field of my old consultancy job. I will ofcourse only agree when I get an editor with that ;-).

I need: pffff, yeah. I need somebody to love me and help me. But it is not like that is going to happen. My arms, well, mostly left arm,Β  that froze over the 2,5 day work experience still hurt like crazy with a wrong move and I could find the energy to work out by myself what it is and what I need so I actually went to see a physiotherapist. It works. And I am happy that at least I do not have to do that myself. I am so tired of doing everything by myself. And being secretive about not drinking towards friends and family distanciates me from them so, not good. Don’t know how to proceed there.

I take: some Schuessler salts on high blood pressure but notice that excersize and oxigen are actually more beneficial currently. And regular eating and sleeping too.

Hats off to those who made it to the end of this post. πŸ™‚ Hope you found something of value in it. I did by writing it but… that’s different of course. πŸ™‚ I still have a strong believe that I should log my journey. Still not sure why. There is some idea in me that ‘time will reveal why it is importan’. And of course I hope you find something in it, if nothing else than the ability to be happy that you have moved through some of these issues I am struggling with way quicker and more elegant. Yes, I feel like the elephant of the sober blogosphere. :-/ I am getting the feeling that I am stuck development wise, and that makes me bring myself down. Not a good road. It is however informative to see that my first reaction to getting stuck is to turn on myself. Or maybe that is my first reaction to anything. I wish I was a psychiatrist and I could have a little distance and see these patterns better. Or wish I was a magician and magic it all away. But those are subjects for another day. I’m tired so I won’t do the spell check either or look back if the paragraphs actually belong together.

Hope you have a nice day / evening / nigth,

xx, Feeling

No hiding

I did an experiment yesterday, I call it ‘not hiding’ from what was going on. In this case it was ‘not eating chocolate when being sad’. May I swear?!! Damn!!!!

While drinking I had this idea that I was not processing emotions. Something would happen and the only thing I would have to do is to hold on to the evening and drink. There would be this little voice in the back of my head saying ‘just hang on till later….’. Which by the way comes from a totally different source than the now popular ‘this too shall pass’. πŸ™‚

I am guessing that in the ‘hanging on’ situation I would not be centered, standing on my own two feet in the situation while breathing. I would be leaning out of my center towards a situation I wished for (oblivion), hide from what was going on and breathe only shallow. I can actually do that with any substance or mood altering thing. I can be doing that with chocolate, food, tv, films, blogging, work, facebooking.

Yesterday I got digitally yelled at for forwarding the ‘Blame’ movie of BrenΓ© Brown to somebody. ‘What the hidden meaning was.’ ????????????????????? Well, no hidden meaning? Just very happy that I got to see the vid and wanting to share that happiness with an educational and funny vid. If I thought it was applicable I would have mentioned that.Β  But there was no way of connecting anymore, it was not appreciated and I was to blame for sending secret messages in video’s. Yeah, right. Get to know me, if I think something of you I WILL TELL YOU!!! Not that being outspoken as I am is an admirable attitude but it leaves little chance for the polished, secret messages as some of you might have noticed :-(.

Guess I stepped onto some toes. Had no idea this was an issue in his life. The nice thing of him was to first yell at me and secondly say that communicating through Facebook is not a good idea and that he was in a bad mood anyway. Hmmm… well thank you for dropping your bad mood in my day. NOT!

And from there one I fell apart, did not run to rescue me either. I noticed my first ‘do I still have chocolate’ response and thought it to be a good experiment not to walk the chocolate route and see what happened. Not that chocolate is evil or what, just that I use it as a method of not feeling what is. Well, I fell apart. I did not even need my addicty tendency to ‘overdoing emotions so I do not have to stay what really is’. Even within the reality of what is I felt stripped of any protection, standing here naked and hurt and overwhelmed with emotions. Disbelief, not understanding, wanting to reach out finding only aggression. Soul searching, looking back in history where I might have put this idea in his head, right fighting in my head. Back to where the pain is. It was a merry-go-round apart that the merry was pretty hurtful. πŸ˜€

I just stayed with what was, went to bed at 20-ish because I was feeling exhausted, woke up at 24-ish, mailed and slept again from 01:00 ish to 8:00 this morning. Guess I needed it.

Now I’m wondering at what and why. Am I overly sensitive or have I just not learned to deal with situations like these through always drowning them in alcohol or other addictions? I finished of realising that all these emotions were swirling around me, actually almost literally, but that they are not me. They are the way I, my energetic system, replies to a hurtful situation. There is something separating, I don’t have the words for it yet. Still need to look into the whole ‘what is the difference between me, spirit, soul, character, feelings, ego’ and what have you. Guess I need a book :-D. Or check out the waking up online perspective on spiritual awakening. It’s free! πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit, very thankful that I finally got a glimpse of what addiction free life is for me. And realising that no matter how long I have not been drinking, the road to my (current final?) goal ‘clarity’ has only started with this experience. No, can’t say that, I could not have let these feelings overwhelm me and see where they would take me if I had not had the confidence that they would not immediately take me back to drinking. That is what I gained these last 8 months.

I fear: I do not really fear things, I am worried about work things but working on those at least 6-8 hours a day. So procrastinating is almost covered, however I still need to set goals and meet them. Trying to every day. And every day I seem to partially fail at that. But I take notes of what is making me go of track. Mostly it is insecurity and wanting things to be perfect. I have taken a new mental approach to those: why not be the very best I can be and use those two character traits to set up something that is VERY GOOD. I notice that accepting them actually makes it easier to say ‘stuff it’ to things and wants that are over the top perfect.

I take: daily exercise, clean food and some Schuessler salts on high blood pressure. And I actually stand part of the day when working. I have a table that is adjustable in height so that is easy to do. Thinking my blood pressure is ok when I exercise and not go hungry. It feels like going hungry makes my blood sugar level drop, that causes adrenaline to rise and the heart to use more force to get the blood (sugar?) into the cells. That is my theory, haven’t found anybody confirming that – but that has not often stopped me :-D. And I am guessing that with my, hmmm, inward sort of skitterish personality my blood pressure levels will rise and drop according even to what I, well, read or see, hear, fear, worry about. Just meaning that I need to keep on taking care of me.

I want: mmmmm, I want to be wonderful. I guess my ego needs confirmation of itself after yesterdays skirmishes.

I need: to get my pants on and go outside, the weather is good. πŸ™‚

I am thankful for you reading this, your support, your comments. I am happy that I quit. πŸ™‚ It was a good decision.

Hope you have a nice day, a nice weekend.

xx, Feeling