– My body told me it wants me to be more physically active in order to get oxygen and get life into the corners of it. Let’s see. 🙂
– I had a beautiful talk with the store man last Friday and he put on this song ‘let the sunshine in’. I had forgotten about that and I have been trying to get that feeling back but I noticed it is not easy. This really opened something up. And with that… I realised that no matter I am open about anything, I actually am a person that is physically and energetically closed off. I can not let the sweat things of life bring me pleasure. I need to learn that because I’ll go acid if I don’t. Funny that I was thinking about that when a yoga teacher in the store said ‘People who take in too much of the bitter or sour taste, can not enjoy the sweetness of life’. How’s that for a ‘don’t drink beer or wine’. 🙂 So this morning I tried to connect to the sweetness of life. I’m actually reading ‘The Celestine prophecy’ for the 5th time in my life (yes I know it is badly written ;-)) Aaah, F. that, I’m not going to apologise to me or you anymore. I read that book because it brings me good things.
So I tried to connect and I realise I am this closes off tight ass who can’t let the nurturing goodness into me. No wonder I have an issue with sugar. Sugar in the Eastern philosophy is known as Good. Not real sugar sugar, but as energy of life and goodness and joy. So I guess I’m going to focus on that, I think it includes looking into reasons of needing to close myself off for things and energy that come from the outside.
– While trying to connect I suddenly thought of my course this Tuesday and I noticed this tightening in my gut. It is what I do in order to control things. I went into ‘control mode’ and ‘power mode’ immediately. I don’t want to go there anymore. I notice now that with that I want to fix situations because I am afraid if I don’t it will run out of control and ‘they’ will run over me. But I’ve been speaking with the store man on the subject of the difference between being able to discriminate (differentiate?) between things and judging. Jeeez, I get so irritated with being screamed at ‘YOU SHOULD NOT BE JUDGING!’. Once and for all to anybody who does not hear: I AM VERY MUCH OK WITH JUDGING!! PEOPLE NEED TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD IN ORDER TO LIVE! IT IS THE CONDEMNING THAT IS NOT A GOOD CONCEPT. I need to judge, specifically in sobriety.
Taking the next step and coming up with a verdict, condemning and labeling is not the way to go, but deciding ‘yes’ and ‘no’ is totally fine. And hard to stick with, yes. Well, we spoke about it and came to the conclusion that condemning and labeling are not a good idea because it fixes energy on the subject or situation and whatever we resist, persist. Secondly, labelling and condemning diminish our opportunities in life. And I don’t want that, I want freedom. Freedom to choose is one of those.
I have come to look upon life and choices as a tree, if you have done math or statistics you might see a decision tree. A tree has a trunk, I would say this is where I am and obviously time moves, so things happen and I need choices. There is a branch that says ‘I am happy that I quit’ and a branch that says ‘Unhappy that I quit’. The branch that says ‘I am happy that I quit has next thoughts to it like ‘I really enjoy writing my blog and it helps me sort stuff out’ or ‘Let’s go for a walk in the sun because I enjoy that.’ While the other branch has all these ‘shit, I feel awful’ and variations of that on it. The end of that branch is somewhere in the supermarket next to the cans of beer.
So, I am trying to take care of my labelling because it gets me stuck in situations and I can not see the rest of it. But it is difficult (currently seeing a tree with only difficult situations before me). So I should rephrase: I have been labelling for all of my life and I am currently looking into unlearning it because I believe it brings me more opportunities. And I notice that I feel a need to explain that I am no good at this at all and that it is difficult. So I make a statement and withdraw it in order not to get shot. Hmmmm. The constant thought that there is somebody around trying to break down what I say or do. Life used to be like that. That is what continuous teasing results in, continues bickering, continuous arguments and discussions with the ‘if I am right I am superior’ attitude that I know so well. Time to let go.
I guess Buddha finally came to the ‘I do not care if I drink or not’ version of it or maybe alcohol was not an issue to consider at all. But I’m not there yet because I walked the ‘happy that I drink’ road for too long. Btw, buddhist are not into drinking. 🙂
The store man added: attachment (labelling) is not good or bad but it is good to have knowledge about the attachment and how it works.
And we spoke about his smoking weed. I told him that I, with what I know from alcohol that addiction is not a good concept. I also told him that I have no problem with him smoking ( I mean, it’s not like he will quit because of me telling him to, will he?) but that I need to take care of ME. And if his smoking has an effect on me, I will leave and that therefore I sometimes dislike it when he lights a 3rd and I leave then. Funny enough he was very happy that I told him that. And I told him that he was the only non-professional person who knew about me drinking and quitting. He appreciated that but more importantly and God, I should have known, he started speaking about how ashamed he is about his smoking. So, his idea or my judgement actually kept him from speaking about it. It is amazing. I should have known. Well, not my burden to carry which brings me to my dream of last night.
I dreamed that I was in a cosy village and the sun was shining. Somebody said, I need to do this project for school, don’t feel like it and I immediately answered ‘give it to me, I’ll do it’. At which he left and I picked it up and finished it. It took waaaay longer than I thought and in between he went fishing. And I woke up thinking: helping people is not bad, but automatically laying myself down as a matt to be walked over is not a good concept. In the last 5 years I’ve been working as a volunteer for several organisations, mainly because I could learn stuff there but I always ended up feeling betrayed because the financial promises were never kept (over more than 1500 hours in total). I don’t need money for lending a helping hand. I do like promises to be kept. And somehow I am in this stream where people don’t keep promises to me.
Things are changing a little, I work at the store so now and then, and the store man has offered me payment (in due time – since there is very little money currently- so tiny, tiny change only). I don’t help there for payment but still. I should not let it keep me from helping me. I have practised, I had a friend over last week 3 days out of 5. I actually ok-ed for him to come and dis-invited his boyfriend. I just could not deal with 2 people in my tiny house, and he came to stay in my city because of events, not in the first place for me.
Together they take ages to move out of my livingroom/atelier/office when they are together. So I said no to 2 people and did not get any breakfast for the one friend because that would take another 2 hours of waiting for him to get up, clean, make breakfast, get into a conversation blablabla… And now it is still 16:13 and I have not done ANY WORK because visitors is not only at that moment, but it is also that things don’t get done while taking care of them. Like writing my blog. I need to learn to deal with this before it gets out of hand. Again, I need to develop boundaries where there were none. These are funny because I have a lot of prejudice about it. I don’t want to feel this weak, I don’t want to be the door matt. I read the Bach remedy about this. It is one of the remedies ‘I will never take because that is NOT me.’ 🙂 Something about denial. 😉
I’m off, going to do stuff.
I am happy that I quit.
I fear/am anxious about finishing my course and cleaning the whole house and the outside stairs for Tuesday.
I take: nothing at current but I will get the Bach remedy that is on ‘being closed up – un accessible for the sweetness of life’, not sure which one this is. And the other on being the door matt.
Things that went well today: I reall had a nice insightfull breakfast in the sun, very early in the morning. I logged the new developments here. And ooh yes! I actually, against the stream of what the addict in me wanted to happen, moved to sit at a table, eat my food and not watch some cooking program during. And when I wanted to read I noticed that it was not good. So I ate mindfully. NEW!!! I tried before but I was always on edge and now I could just do it and realise what it is about and it felt like punishment. Now it was ok. That is good. Babysteps, babysteps.
I want: to work
I need: to work 🙂
Have a nice day with Whitsun revelations 🙂