Still running in circles, but the circles get smaller and smaller and they come to the point where it becomes clear that I have to do what I have to do. Which is exactly what I don’t want to do but that would be exactly why I am in trouble.
What do I have to do?
– Less computer time, less cooling down with a Netflix thingy
– More exercise with actual blood pumping around and less stress on the kidneys.
– Less worrying! Well that’s not going to happen. I feel my blood pressure is sky-high, headache (could be sugar detox), blood pounding and ears ringing… sounds like 160 over 90 something. And I have the feeling that nothing I can do is going to even it out. I am assuming 80% of it is stress related since weeks ago when I was relaxed and exercising and doing whatever it takes to get my stress level down I stayed stabel. Pfffff. Grrrrr. And all that is keeping me is the ‘poor me’ that feels like I should have it easy because ‘I quit alcohol already’. I feel like living with somebody behind me lashing a whip every second I relax. I think I will find some moment where I realise that this person is me but shit, I’m not there yet.
Last night I asked myself what my issue with the blood pressure was. My internal voice said: ‘There is nothing physically wrong with you. You are just not willing to accept things, to open up and take them in. You keep so many things out of your experience that your cells are copying that system. You keep running around in your tightness, keeping everything out, you are not able to accept the sweetness of life.’ Not accepting nutrients, that is when the heart needs to push harder to get them in the cell = high blood pressure.
I think to know that my inflexibility, not being able to open up and close at the times that are energetically ‘appropriate’ or ‘biologically’ logical are an issue. I mean, that IS what addiction IS. And I had an immediate flash of ‘things’ being forced into my body and me resisting that. That familiar mix of immense fear overpowering immense anger. So now I, well, I feel shit, my blood pressure is killing me and I am killing me and fuck I don’t want to learn what I have to learn. Letting go of the hurt of painful experiences, letting go of the systems I have developed. I find myself crying for my mother more than 10 times a day.
– I need to apply for jobs, have got 2 months of money left, max. But with all the worrying going on that is going nowhere.
I am, hmmmm, happy that I quit. But I realise I am not feeling that but it has been a intellectual thing for a while already. Hmmm. Can’t imagine the mess I would be in if I would still be drinking now. Sometimes I do get to the point of ‘What the heck!’ But then I remember the other people who had a ‘what the heck’ experience and how to me it it seems to be way more difficult to come back from that than I could bear so… back to my desensitization training….
I fear: Ha! What about ‘everything’? I can’t even read my books currently on what salts or Bach remedies to take. Another form of not being able to ‘take in’.
I take: well, nothing.
I need: what about the concept of ‘help’? And immediately my body goes into this NO! mode trying already to keep the idiotic ways of help from other people out of my system. Very few people can help clean, help without pushing. Hell, I know how bad it is and I can’t. Grrrrr…. I guess I’m going through my Step 2 (isn’t that about believing in HP and trusting?) But I’m just experiencing it a little extreme.
I want: everything to be easy, to be able to put all my worries aside for a bit. Funny that I immediately look for the ‘chuck it out, I do not accept’ route in order to try to relax. There is a whole lot of tension involved in trying to relax. Gheghegheghe….
Sugar: I’m at day 3 or 4 no sugar, going well (ish). I think low blood sugar makes my heart need to pump harder. And yesterday I was out doing stuff and I just forgot to eat. Not sure why. That is pretty new. So my ears were ringing till I got food in me and even that did not really help a lot. I have changed to drinking more water than herb tea. Not enjoying a lot of herb-tea anymore, it feels like it is dehydrating me, the more I drink the more I want to drink. I drink mixed herb tea and I DO NOT FEEL LIKE understanding the 3 * 15 herbs that are in there too so I DO NOT look them up. I just drink water. Which is actually very nice. I had forgotten.
Also I try to make breaks for drinking and eating. Doesn’t always work but it feels good.
Much more to write but not enjoying the screen time. Hope you have a nice day, evening, night.