I am happy that I quit. These days are difficult but alcohol would only make them more difficult.
I fear: pfffff, the normal stuff
New category in order to lift myself up a little. I am proud of: Hmmm, feel stupid to fill it in. That is because these days I have been doing exactly not what I should have been doing. Pfff, days, only yesterday and today. Note to self: Aaahrgh, stop the moaning and just do it!!!
I am proud of the detailed work I have done yesterday. I have decided to embrace my perfectionism. That is who I am, I am good at perfectionist things in my field. Not sure how that is going to help me survive but trying to be what I am not will neither. And I think with acceptance of the perfectionism there came a possibility to actually look at it and study it. Sigh, development is always where I don’t want to go. I think I can turn it around: I need to do exactly what I do not dare to get to the results I want. As I did with quitting. But I actually still feel like ‘I have done enough. Can’t do anymore.’ Hmmm, there is a Bach remedy for exactly that. Not taking it. Avoiding change even when it is helped along. 😀 Did I tell you that an astrologist said that the forces of the stars that say ‘go’ within me and the forces of the stars that say ‘stop’ are equally big. I am not sure if I believe in astrology but when I look at my progress I feel there is a lot of go and stop and go and stop in it.
My internal voice says that I need to make my world smaller and chuck out sugar and Facebook etc in order to get clear on this and move outside. Yeah. Gonna do that. I’m on minimum sugar for 2 days now. Fruit and say chips are ok, chocolate, cordials etc. are not. Headache.
I am also proud of….. Hmmm, it’s not working because I have not done what I think I should so I quit writing and go outside. I can not be proud of that in advance.
I want: the wind to stop blowing because it is apple blossom time and the wind has been going for almost a week now. Not good for the bees, or the apples. 😦
I need: to sleep more and to learn to appreciate me. I woke up last night and I was totally zen, like had not happened in years. And within seconds after waking up I felt this huge, overpowering blackness come at me from all sides saying ‘No time to relax, you are inherently wrong’. That was overwhelming. From zen to life threatening stress in 1 second.
It might sound strange to say this but I am grateful that I had the time to notice how this ‘ominous threat that is always around’ walkes into my life. Where it leaches on. It is funny but the art from Lucy Campbell in my former post has learned me to accept parts in me that I could not accept before. I think that allowes me to relax and step out of the ‘inherently wrong’ thought I have about myself. And because I did, for a few waking seconds, not identify with it, I could see it coming.