No hiding

I did an experiment yesterday, I call it ‘not hiding’ from what was going on. In this case it was ‘not eating chocolate when being sad’. May I swear?!! Damn!!!!

While drinking I had this idea that I was not processing emotions. Something would happen and the only thing I would have to do is to hold on to the evening and drink. There would be this little voice in the back of my head saying ‘just hang on till later….’. Which by the way comes from a totally different source than the now popular ‘this too shall pass’. πŸ™‚

I am guessing that in the ‘hanging on’ situation I would not be centered, standing on my own two feet in the situation while breathing. I would be leaning out of my center towards a situation I wished for (oblivion), hide from what was going on and breathe only shallow. I can actually do that with any substance or mood altering thing. I can be doing that with chocolate, food, tv, films, blogging, work, facebooking.

Yesterday I got digitally yelled at for forwarding the ‘Blame’ movie of BrenΓ© Brown to somebody. ‘What the hidden meaning was.’ ????????????????????? Well, no hidden meaning? Just very happy that I got to see the vid and wanting to share that happiness with an educational and funny vid. If I thought it was applicable I would have mentioned that.Β  But there was no way of connecting anymore, it was not appreciated and I was to blame for sending secret messages in video’s. Yeah, right. Get to know me, if I think something of you I WILL TELL YOU!!! Not that being outspoken as I am is an admirable attitude but it leaves little chance for the polished, secret messages as some of you might have noticed :-(.

Guess I stepped onto some toes. Had no idea this was an issue in his life. The nice thing of him was to first yell at me and secondly say that communicating through Facebook is not a good idea and that he was in a bad mood anyway. Hmmm… well thank you for dropping your bad mood in my day. NOT!

And from there one I fell apart, did not run to rescue me either. I noticed my first ‘do I still have chocolate’ response and thought it to be a good experiment not to walk the chocolate route and see what happened. Not that chocolate is evil or what, just that I use it as a method of not feeling what is. Well, I fell apart. I did not even need my addicty tendency to ‘overdoing emotions so I do not have to stay what really is’. Even within the reality of what is I felt stripped of any protection, standing here naked and hurt and overwhelmed with emotions. Disbelief, not understanding, wanting to reach out finding only aggression. Soul searching, looking back in history where I might have put this idea in his head, right fighting in my head. Back to where the pain is. It was a merry-go-round apart that the merry was pretty hurtful. πŸ˜€

I just stayed with what was, went to bed at 20-ish because I was feeling exhausted, woke up at 24-ish, mailed and slept again from 01:00 ish to 8:00 this morning. Guess I needed it.

Now I’m wondering at what and why. Am I overly sensitive or have I just not learned to deal with situations like these through always drowning them in alcohol or other addictions? I finished of realising that all these emotions were swirling around me, actually almost literally, but that they are not me. They are the way I, my energetic system, replies to a hurtful situation. There is something separating, I don’t have the words for it yet. Still need to look into the whole ‘what is the difference between me, spirit, soul, character, feelings, ego’ and what have you. Guess I need a book :-D. Or check out the waking up online perspective on spiritual awakening. It’s free! πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit, very thankful that I finally got a glimpse of what addiction free life is for me. And realising that no matter how long I have not been drinking, the road to my (current final?) goal ‘clarity’ has only started with this experience. No, can’t say that, I could not have let these feelings overwhelm me and see where they would take me if I had not had the confidence that they would not immediately take me back to drinking. That is what I gained these last 8 months.

I fear: I do not really fear things, I am worried about work things but working on those at least 6-8 hours a day. So procrastinating is almost covered, however I still need to set goals and meet them. Trying to every day. And every day I seem to partially fail at that. But I take notes of what is making me go of track. Mostly it is insecurity and wanting things to be perfect. I have taken a new mental approach to those: why not be the very best I can be and use those two character traits to set up something that is VERY GOOD. I notice that accepting them actually makes it easier to say ‘stuff it’ to things and wants that are over the top perfect.

I take: daily exercise, clean food and some Schuessler salts on high blood pressure. And I actually stand part of the day when working. I have a table that is adjustable in height so that is easy to do. Thinking my blood pressure is ok when I exercise and not go hungry. It feels like going hungry makes my blood sugar level drop, that causes adrenaline to rise and the heart to use more force to get the blood (sugar?) into the cells. That is my theory, haven’t found anybody confirming that – but that has not often stopped me :-D. And I am guessing that with my, hmmm, inward sort of skitterish personality my blood pressure levels will rise and drop according even to what I, well, read or see, hear, fear, worry about. Just meaning that I need to keep on taking care of me.

I want: mmmmm, I want to be wonderful. I guess my ego needs confirmation of itself after yesterdays skirmishes.

I need: to get my pants on and go outside, the weather is good. πŸ™‚

I am thankful for you reading this, your support, your comments. I am happy that I quit. πŸ™‚ It was a good decision.

Hope you have a nice day, a nice weekend.

xx, Feeling


5 thoughts on “No hiding

  1. Feeling sounds like you hit a trigger point in that person and he was projecting his stuff back on to you? Part of my recovery journey has been about leaky boundaries and how we can take on too much of other peoples emotions and part of our healing is for those boundaries to become stronger so we can say with certainty ‘no this is your stuff and it stays with you’ πŸ™‚ Glad you liked the Brene video and sorry he didn’t xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Louise,
      It absolutely feels like I got his developmental issue on my plate. And yes, leaky boundaries; another form of taking care of what we take in and let out. I have been thinking about that a lot over the past months and I can’t really find an entry into the matter. I do notice that things get easier now I’m sober but it to me it is a door has never been able to close. I have decided to not watch any news and tv shows on actual happenings – the ONLY thing it does is make me unhappy. But that is closing a door totally, not ‘moderating’ the intake.
      So I am wondering how other people do that. How do you do that?
      And possibly, possibly I am fixating on one of my strong convictions of ‘not being able to’ and not even looking at possiblities to actually deal with it. I have a lot of convictions that just ‘stand there’ and keep me doing certain stuff a certain way. I guess that in one of the things that has come with being single for a long time – less reality checks. πŸ™‚
      Thank you for your comment.
      xx, Feeling


  2. Dear Feeling,
    I liked Lucy’s response.
    I don’t have advice, as I am working on this issue myself.
    Maybe you can send him silent healing thoughts.
    But you are right! Being sober is helping me grow in so many ways.
    It’s sunny here, too!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ghegheghe, that would be a thought, I was still at the silent ‘kill and attack, cut his heart out while I’m at it’ thoughts… :-). Ghegheghe, thank you Wendy for handing me another option. πŸ™‚ I am learning a lot these days.
      I went for an 8 kilometer walk to the eco market and back. Currently finishing a bag of chips so I’m not sure what the nett worth of all of this was. But I walked. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling


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