Do you have that too? Since I quite I’ve become very sensitive to the vibe of addiction in other people, in places, in almost everything. It’s like when I quit smoking: I started to smell smoke on a mile’s distance. Partially there was yearning for smoking and partially there was irritation because people out there were using such a nasty substance and polluting my air. Yes, I actually seem to think that way. 😀 /
I had visitors over this weekend. A good, but drinking friend of mine came to my city to go to 2 parties. One on Friday, one on Saturday. Friday night he came home, a little buzzed, not too and I could deal with that, we had a short chat and I continued sleeping. Saturday he went to see somebody and I went 2nd hand shopping. The vibe of addiction is big in those places in some people. Then I went to the store and had a beautiful chat with the store man my current development thing where I try to separate what has happened to me from what I am. He knows a lot about that from his own life and his studies into world religions so it’s good to speak with him about it. 🙂
We also spoke about transferring (projecting) feelings to others and how to deal with noticing that other people do so. He’s pretty alert to it but when we speak he only mentions that he thinks it’s happening when we there is nobody else around. I mentioned that some of it meets me as counter transference but since he’s always very polite in vocalizing things I never know if the ‘you’ is a ‘me’ or a general you. I asked him to be more specific and we decided that in the future we would see if we could work these transfer things out between the two of us. Let’s see. 🙂
Well, there where I fell out of love a several weeks ago, I now come to appreciate him more and start to be interested in him. However, he’s a major pothead. And speaking with him brings me into contact with his addiction vibe. So when the neighbour shopkeepers joined us on the porch in the sun and brought up beer and wine I left. These days I have trouble staying energetically open in such intense conversations and not taking in that addictive ‘let’s all not care anymore’ attitude. I’m also sad I can’t do that anymore – I ruined the hinges on the door to let’s not care land so now the door does not close anymore. And I need to keep away from it. I used to be happy that I could. Currently I’m sad that I have to.
I left, he pressed me to stay, I said I had to look after myself and he understood. I don’t want to comment on his smoking but staying with him brings me in danger and I should take responsibility for that. Pffff, peer pressure… I’m 45!!! I should be able to go without :-D. I should have left earlier. Well, I can moan about that or learn now that if I want to live comfortably I should know my bounderies. I should have left earlier.
I went home, very happy to be out of the center of town where booze and addiction were celebrating the Friday evening. That night my friends came home and we spoke a few sentences on a distance but still I could smell the alcohol. It was very uncomfortable, my nose got irritated, I got angry and there were tiny, tiny ants running under the skin of my arms. My brain was in crisis state. It felt like an allergy, very uncomfortable.
It took me a while to fall asleep and I dream I had relapsed and needed to go to rehab against my will but well it was the ‘better’ idea because family decided so and I knew I did not have another stop in me. Rehab in my dream was awful. (are you surprised?) Stupid people, everybody following the leader. FYI: I have got nothing against leadership, I think it good leadership and thoughtful followers can bring everybody in a group to a higher plan and reach great results. I do dislike groups and leadership if it turns people to close their minds because ‘he’s the leader so why should I worry or duh, think for myself?
I found a companion there, she was crazy and did all kinds of things outside the rules. I was pissed off so I did that too. She took me to another group who had a Falun Dafa class (sort of Tai Chi-like) I got even more pissed off because they had modernised it and put fancy music to it and moved on the beats of the music. Aaaaahrg!!!! I was very much convinced that these people were emotionally, spiritually and intellectually dead because they go with the flow and obviously I am back to my believe that only dead fish go with the flow. Having decided that ‘they’ ‘could not think for themselves’ ‘they’ could not save or help me and I would not be safe. And ‘they’ all came down on me for not taking on their rules and telling me that is why I had fucked up anyway. That I was only lucky to have stayed sober so long without AA and that it did not prove anything only that I was lucky and that failure was there to happen because I did it all wrong.
I guess I better make sure I never relapse. I need to take better care of me. I’m not happy that I quit anymore. Sad that I had to is the main emotion. I guess I’m berating myself over that and putting the face of AA on that to not realise that it is I who does the lashing out. And I am afraid over the weird reaction to only smelling alcohol on people who had that ‘carefree mode’. By now I think that is what I want: to not have to care, to not be responsible. Worldly matters weighing down on me. I better fix them.
Also, I guess I berate myself for not being able to say I am happy that I quit. I am sad that I had to. I guess I could be both? And happy that I quit and sad that I had to. Nah, doesn’t work yet.
Well, the dream teaches me that:
– I fear relapsing.
– I am looking to be care free, that is what attracts me. Voices inside are telling me that I will be carefree when I just take a few days out of life and go on a bender. I guess this is where addiction takes me: crashing down on me when I’m weak. I notice I’m getting more and more unstable. Too many things going on. Too many subjects changing within, too much pressure money wise. And then a few molecules of alcohol with a whim of carelessness spread into my house suddenly make it all difficult. Funny thing is that I smelled my Bach remedies today and there is no physical reaction there. It’s the vibe in combination with the alcohol. Yes, well, as detoxing and being clean goes: be careful of what you take in.
I guess next time the store man starts using I have to leave. I don’t want to interfere with his using, it’s none of my business, but I can’t handle the openness I need for the conversations we are having together with what these addiction vibes do with me.
– I am afraid of relapsing because somehow the lapse-relapse-collapse theory has settled in my mind.
– I am afraid of relapsing because it means that I would have to ask extra help and in this country they will tell me AA is the thing while I have this home-made fear fantasy which is very much unproven and untested but still, it seems to rule my mind. I assume that within AA there is something I DEFINITELY do NOT want to learn and that is to: focus and mind my own small business and not to try to convert the world to my standards. So I guess finally that my self-made up not so elegant fear fantasy is telling me that.
Well, it’s the end of this post and as almost always is has worked to try to figure this out. I am happy-ish that I quit. Now come to realise that there are social consequences for me now I am starting to dislike it. But I guess that is the price I have to pay for not minding my bounderies earlier in my life. 😦
I fear: everything but mostly that I don’t get the time to ‘fix’ myself before my money runs finally out. But that is an odd way of thinking because I will never be ‘fixed’. Topic for another day.
I take: salts on high blood pressure. And NO brewers yeast vitamin B1 pills anymore because the contain tyramine which causes high blood pressure. Same with the loads of (eco!) soy sauce I put on my food in the last weeks; salt and tyramine. I’ll go and see have my blood pressure tested at the end of the week when I feel good.
I want: to go to bed and I want everything to be easy and gone. Aaahrg, I don’t want to have to do the difficult stuff!!!!! Pffffff. Aaaahrg!!! Somebody saying ‘patience’ and ‘compassion’ inside my head. 🙂 Thank you voice inside my head. ❤
I need: to trust, to get a schedule, to stay calm, take good care even though I feel like I don’t want to anymore, and go to bed.
Thank you for reading a way too long post again. Do you think I’m complaining too much?
Hope you have a nice evening / day, a nice new week full of beautiful experiences and opportunities. 🙂