In how many ways can life suck?

Not sure in how many ways life can suck. There are others who are off worse than I am. :-(. Today my new boss called that she would not like to continue the job contract. And my bankaccount ran out of money which means that I am up to my last bit of savings which will carry me 2-3 months max.

My boss found that I had been busy too long to improve one series of samples and that this job ‘would not work’ because I am too perfectionist. The word that she was not using but ran through her language was: slow. When I explained the problem to her I realised that she had no knowledge of the problem and that she does not know the whole problem would not even have been there if she had done the prewhatever work to (my!!!) standard (s). 😦 I thought she would have picked up on that since she was cc-ed in the solution. I was at 1/3 of my normal speed due to having to work out the process, and work around issues that would normally be taken care off and also due to me not being used to the computer system they work in. But 1/3 and a good solution is ok for a first day or? She informed me that it was nothing personal and that all of the staff would have enjoyed me staying there. She really appreciated ‘fell for’ 🙂 my openness. That’s a sweet thing to say. 🙂

I answered that the perfectionist part is exactly what I wanted to learn and that I had more difficulty than I would have expected with having to follow a given path. After being a consultant who everybody listened to… that takes some work. I also added that I feel we had not finished learning from each other. That does sound weird but it fitted ok in the conversation. I said that I would appreciate if she would re-consider, that I thought I still some stuff to add – I referred her to my to-do list of projects that needed to be picked up to develop a work process (God…. consultancy speach). I had written these down in between as to not let me distract it from what I was doing at the moment. And that I expect to be up to speed once I get the systems and (lack off solid) procedures worked out.

NO I did not mention the ‘lack of solid’!  I finished with saying that I would gladly return and welcome a call to say so. Obviously she has not called (yet). Somehow I think she is still thinking about it. Would be strange though. I would demand being able to do things my way, otherwise it would not work.

Is it difficult? At the time of the conversation not because I had been expecting this. But now it is difficult.

Do we hear perfectionism and consultancy ‘solutions’ all over the place? Yes. My new definition of perfectionism: the wish / urge to gain a right to exist by solving every problem with looking for, working on the best possible solution, regardless of the consequences. Maybe not only solving every problem, seeing problems is part of it too. Falling flat on my face over this one. Bleahgh!!!

It hurts and I am scared. Doubting if I will ever be able to just fit in somewhere. I have difficulty to and be myself and fit in, had it all my life. I don’t know, I just started to believe that maybe I could fit in. I wish I had had more time to get used to her way of thinking and solve things her kind of way. I’m don’t know. It hurts. And the lamp above my head just broke. FUCK THIS!

All my friends were working so I went to see the store man. He had Brené Brown on the stand on the coffee table. :-). On perfectionism…. Sigh. Yes that place is special. I don’t know right now how to continue workwise. I am sad and I am lost.

I am however happy that I quit drinking so I do not have to feel guilty and blame me secretly. So that I can live through this. Aah fuck it. Happy that I don’t drink. Actually, actually I am also very disappointed that this happened because I have somehow connected the job to being sober. I sort of thought it was a reward for me. No, not looking for a drink because of being desillusioned.

I want: for things to be easy, and a shitload of money.

I need: I guess I need to connect with people and tell somebody in real life who I am actually connected to but I can’t. I feel so sad. I can’t speak about it.

I take: well, chocolate, tea and cheese. Yes that IS awfull together. Have separeted it now.

I fear: poverty and the despair that comes with that. I fear never to be able to fit in. Be the odd one out for the rest of my life. It hurts.

Going to watch some feelgood movie here. Pat the cat who has been walking around restlessly.

Have a nice evening / day! Hope it is better than mine. 😉

xx Feeling (sad)