Patterns of behaviour

I saw the book ‘The untethered soul’ from Michael A. Singer mentioned in a comment in the sober blogosphere (Hi Path!) Sounds like something I want to read. He’s talking about choosing to be happy and life being the path. Tadaaaaa! Now I’ve searched long enough to find a book that aligns with my way of thinking and therewith flatters my ego. πŸ˜€ ‘The path is the destination.’ And so it is, I guess.

Well, he puts it down way better than I can do so here’s the link:

And of course:

I am happy that I quit. πŸ™‚ Happy that I had an easy time with it, I’ve been reading other people’s blogs with cycles of quitting and relapsing and reading these makes me realise that I had it easy. Well, the proof of the pudding is still to come with combining a job with being sober, which will start next week. And Fear is Big currently. :-/ Backstage I’m working on a post on the subject ‘fear’ but don’t want to hang in that too long. I’m counting down to next week when I’ll start working for somebody else. Haven’t done so in years and years – have done projects for people but then I was self-employed. That’s different and shit it pays 5 times as much. No, I’m not ungrateful, just surprised and a little angry with myself that I took my success in my consultancy job for granted, changed directions, put up another firm and then got lost in depression and blew it all away on booze – or the other way around. But I’m still lacking the energy and confidence to self start again so… payroll it is since I still have the knowledge and the skills – so that’s good. πŸ™‚ There is still a lot of mourning to be done over what I threw away, could not hold onto. But Very Happy that I did not extend my drinking into my the life of my friends. I guess that is a part that makes it easier.

I need to: do some admin which ooooooh, really bug me.

I want to: sell everything I have and leave for a warm country and never come back. Which pretty much is an indication that I am stressed because I am not comfortable in warm weather. So….. πŸ™‚ I’m enjoying these lists in my posts because the thoughts which pop up make me aware of stuff I would otherwise possibly miss. Like my idea of fleeing reality. Means the pressure is up.

I also want to go outside and move in the sun. In order to do that I need to do my admin first. Brrrrrrrr….

I take: still all the 12 Schuessler salts. And I’ve gone cold turkey on the sugar again – which, with the 12 pills is not really cold turkey because these are make from lactose which counts as sugar.

And ooh, I had a drinking dream the other day. Again I was handed a glass and again, I was not paying attention to not drinking – which by now has become a real ‘danger’ because I am not. I had half a glass of something and the world started spinning and I got so sick. Brrrrrr… And the darkness inside my body, immense KILL AND ATTACK feeling, it woke up all the darkness and feelings of destruction which have been dormant since I quit. It actually felt like well, like alcohol is really destructive. πŸ™‚ But I guess we knew that.

Meaning: I’m not paying attention to not drinking. I’m starting to be bored with reading and thinking about it.Β Not sure if I can afford that – they say there is a relapse time around 7 months were people get cocky. Still doing the online attention training though (the one that shows pictures of alcohol just so long that I get bored out of it). I do not wake up anymore, or go to bed anymore with having it in my mind somewhere. Not sure if that is really true, but that’s how I think it feels. I’ve shifted focus to other things like dealing with life. Which is about time and…Β  maybe I should pay more attention again to not berating me. Patterns in behaviour are getting clearer and clearer. That is nice, painful but nice.

Hope you too are or will be happy that you quit. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling


5 thoughts on “Patterns of behaviour

  1. Hi Feeling!
    I am very happy I quit! Day 196 today! I love writing my blog, but I am more focused on my growth up and away from drinking. I don’t think of wanting a drink hardly ever now.
    But I agree. I can’t get too comfortable. I do NOT want a relapse!
    I wish I could have stayed teaching a while longer. I have not quite gotten this retirement thingie.
    I am getting VERY bored with myself!
    You have some great determination. You will be okay wherever you go!
    I am cheering you on!!!
    Hugs From Minnesota!!!


    • I read you got yourself in trouble, sorry to hear so. But Very Cool that you’ll be getting help though. I was thinking: you are way more a people person than I am, actually I am not so much a people person, bit ashamed to say that I am a book person. But…. maybe it means that where I do things by a book, you do things with people. I hope to learn to become a people person one day. I dreamed once that the whole world was a Avatar world (have you seen the movie?) where everything and everybody was connected energetically, really beautiful. And then I saw my mother, as a child, playing in a sandpit and her energy connections did not connect with the world and a thought hit me: ‘If this is how the world works, that being disconnected is going to make her ill.’ I think it is true. So somewhere down the line, on my life’s to do list is being more connected. πŸ™‚ Being sober helps tremendously. πŸ™‚

      I wish you a good (sober?) weekend.

      Love, hugs, Feeling

      Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s