Well, 2 days ago I heard that I could expect a job contract for a year for a part-time function of 20 hours. It is so strange that I could not even write about it. It needed to settle first :-). It’s not all done yet, still need to receive, sign and return the contract but still… I’ve got THE mail on the ok.
There are a few things about the job that could prove to be difficult but I don’t feel like going into that now. It’s useless to spend energy on worrying unless I can actually do something about the situation and then I should. NEW!
The ‘ok’ brings some immediate changes with it. So funny how the weight of things suddenly changes with this. Blogworld: not important (sorry!), recovery – huh? Nothing wrong with me. NEW! I need to keep an eye on that one because I don’t want to run into a situation where I forget how important it actually is but I like the ‘nothing wrong with me’, that is comfortable.
About 12 years back I quit drinking when I was unemployed because I felt uncomfortable with drinking suddenly. I was not that heavily into drinking then but did feel I was overdoing it and actually started seeing that I could be addicted. Looking back I was in denial. I was sober for about 3 months or so, I did not make it a big issue and did not pay attention to anything apart from noticing that my yoga suddenly went WAY better. I got a job and started drinking again. I could never land in the job which had to do with my state of mind at the time but looking back it had to do with drinking too. Later I heard that they had 6 people on that position in 2 years and that I had been there 6 months so I was actually one of the longer lasting but still… Shit I hated that place for its bad atmosphere and the effect that had on me. I felt like a total failure and I drank to forget it. Walking into some darkness of denial here. I got fired after I had been on a very boozy Sunday evening which I thought, with my drunken brain, would work out all right but it all fell wrong (MAJOR DENIAL) and well, I don’t know. Jeeez this is uncomfortable. I am actually leaving stuff out here because I feel too ashamed to write about it.
I drank a bottle of wine and about a six-pack. I had never in my life done that before. SPECIFICALLY not on an evening before a workday. That monday I had to take some decisions that I could not focus on and did not understand because I could not get the group of people who would supply me with the info to focus – obviously because I was off. At the end of the day I had a talk with my boss on the results of the meeting and I explained that I had not worked it out yet. Feeling like an absolute loser. She came down on me hard and I teared up saying that I had difficulty with the job, that I should be able to do it blindfolded, standing on one leg but that I somehow could not get into the matter. Which was the case.
I did not tell her that I drank my brains away every weekend and would normally have redesigned the whole process in my spare time to get to know it intimately but I well, ‘preferred’ to drink it all away. Not sure if she guessed or smelled an issue, it was end of the day but it’s the stuff that got me fired. Officially because they replanned the whole department. I felt it a little different. Did I quit? No, I started drinking more and deciding, again, that I would never drink before a working day. Then I became a freelance consultant and worked out my own working days. See the trap?
Why is this coming up now? I guess that’s how it works. Memories get processed when something similar happens.
I’m going to need all my wits upon me for this new job. Not sure how and when to celebrate. I have this absolute belief that things should not be celebrated upfront.
Another change: for 2 nights now I have almost slept through the entire night. NEW! The cat is going crazy, trying to demolish the furniture and running around my head but I don’t wake up easily anymore so I’m half asleep, turn over and just can’t be bothered. NEW!! I find these little changes so amazing. She has been with me for 4 or 5 years now. I have NEVER slept through the night, specifically not if she was throwing a tantrum. Now I am finally doing what I think I should be and that obviously gives me the right to sleep and let the cat have her tantrum without me being bothered. When I was not doing what I should be doing I felt bad about myself and would feel I needed to answer her and be nice – because I was stupid. It is funny how all of these funny connections are now showing up. If you would have asked me upfront I would never have thought that lack of self-esteem was urging me to listen to my cat at night.
Other change: a while back I bought a Tarot cards deck to help develop my intuition. It is my believe that oracles like I-Tjing and Tarot connect with me easily and often gives results that help me out. I ‘use’ these as tools to get insight in a situation where I have difficulty dealing and where I feel I have a blind spot that I don’t want to see and is hindering me. My set has 78 cards, I have pulled about 30 cards up to now. I have gotten 1 card 7 TIMES in a row. Do I shuffle my deck? Yes, of course I do :-/. The card is called ‘Fear’ and it is the seven of cups. Funny that I now read online that the 7 of cups means something totally different in other decks. There it refers to ‘overindulgence’ and temptation – I have that too momentarily where I do 10 things at the same time never finish one. Need to look into that. Also this would be THE card for addicts to learn that they are addicted. Hmmm. Not sure how to interpreted it now. I’ll go with the fear explanation for now.
When I freed myself from the prison of alcohol I had a goal and the goal is becoming clear. That includes not drinking, rigorous honesty, cleaning up my house, sorting out feelings, being clear to other people, not hiding myself in too many words (hmmm, that is not working yet). I thought that would be a good goal. Ooh, it includes not being addicted to alcohol or other stuff, still doing some other stuff like procrastinating though.
Well…. I thought, since I guessed my intuition and awareness of my feelings or what have you, is pretty strong, I thought I could feel myself back into a healthy, clear life. I thought my feelings for what is good and what is not should be my guide. I have this build in sense of justice and righteousness and the arrogance to believe what I say is right. 😀
In the beginning I followed everything that felt good; cold feet? Put socks on. Uncomfortable? Take a bath. Tired: sleep. I did everything to the detail. And I guess that was good. About 2 months ago I started to notice that I had other feelings too that kept on screaming at me. Not sure now at this moment if my awareness of my feelings is really strong because my denial is pretty strong too. Possibly I need the denial not to be overwhelmed by the feelings. Or possibly the feelings would not have to scream if I would not deny them. Obviously there is something going on in that department. If somebody else would write this I would say: she’s scared shitless. Which is what I am I guess. It’s in all my cells.
Well, I noticed the ‘bad’ feelings, the disliking me because I had not cleaned or paid bills. I started to realise that these feelings too were ‘information’ just as the ‘good’ feelings. Today… after pulling out the Fear card for the 7th time I realised that I accept that all my feelings are information – apart from fear. Fear needs to go. The book said that fear shows where the obstacles are that need looking into = information. So….. that’s what I’m going to plan, look at my fear. NEW!!!! And I’ll be procrastinating from there onwards I guess. 😀
I am happy that I quit. None of this would be happening if I had not. I am sort of proud about the job and part of me wonders if I should not have put up a harder fight on some stuff in the contract. Pfffff, don’t want to go there. NEW! I want this job for the content, because it part-time and because I magically got it and it feels funny to ask for something from the universe, actually get it and then turn around and spit the universe in the face by denying the opportunity. And also, I need the money and I just don’t want to look for another job because it makes me feel bad and I don’t want to deal with it. Feeling wise that sounds like bad motivation to me, it feels like denial too, but I’ll go with it. Also, I mean, in this time in my line of work, having not worked for a boss being accepted for the first letter I send out – that is strange to say the least. My intuition says: Big growth developments when you manage to keep afloat. We shall see. 🙂 I’ll do my utmost best to make it a meaningful experience and deliver excellent work. And if I can not do the job or can not deal with the tough cooky boss to the point where it is dangerous for me – I will leave.
I need: to get a little more organised and clean the house and buy some clothes. I have somehow lost one of the 2 t-shirts that still fit me How? Don’t know! I think I left it at a friends. Things like that happening put me back in the guilt – shame feelings I had when drinking and losing stuff. But I can’t wear the same dress to work every day now can I? So new clothes it is. Not liking it because I had planned in my head that I would have lost weight before I started buying new clothes. I have, but not enough in my opinion.
I want: somebody to give me their wardrobe because they have outgrown it. That would be cool. I dislike shopping for clothes because I am very precise in fit and colour and model and material and….. dislike that I do not look good anymore. It is difficult but I still have not found my path to the skinny land. I’m going with making sure I get as much healthy stuff in me that actually feed my body so I don’t get cravings.
I take: chocolate. Which, when I put it out here…. does not really align with eating healthy. It is eco though, and 72%…. (chocolate denial, chocolate denial…)
I wish you a nice weekend. Thank you for reading through another way too long post.
I love clothes! I would go shopping with you!
I am glad for you!
I am sending you lots of good vibes for your new job!
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🙂 Thank you Wendy. 🙂 Yeah, that’s also a thing, I don’t go with girlfriends because I get irritated and sad with being overweight. Well, next project: loose weight. 🙂
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Congrats on the job. That sounds exciting, and a little scary, so I am not surprised about the fear card.
Pema Chodron has some good meditations on moving towards fear to take away its power. You might find that interesting.
Get out and buy a few clothes you like. Do not criticize your weight. Find things you like today and that make you feel good. Don’t deprive yourself because you “should” be smaller. You are exactly as you are supposed to be today.
Us blogging world will be here. Don’t forget that recovery is a continuous process. Nothing is wrong way you. Just don’t drink.
I am doing level 1 reiki training this weekend. I feel that I have very strong intuition and empathy. Perhaps this will be a way to connect with it.
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Cool! Reiki! Enjoy! i’ve actually bought a book on it (how typical) to check out what energy they are working with.
Yes, there’s the ‘should’ coming back again, I can now feel it take my energy and leave me depleted. So that’s how it works…. Hmmm…. And yes, fear. Thanks for the Pema Chodron tip. I see she is on youtube. Sunday is a good day to check this out. 🙂
Enjoy your Reiki weekend. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Congratulations on the job! I can see how that would be scary. I’m glad to hear that you can sleep now too. I’m hoping I get to the point where I don’t wake up in the middle of the night,
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Thank you. And yes, scary. 🙂 Waking up in the middle of the night between 1 and 3 is linked to the liver who is active at that moment…. so….. 🙂
I have used 2 Schuessler cell salts to try to come to a point where I sleep through the night, 1 is to regulate the sleeping pattern and it makes me go to bed when the sun goes down. And the other is for sleeping through the night. Also I’m doing Falun dafa practises currently and I sort of feel that works somehow. Don’t know. As with so many things; mabye here too the path is the destination?
HUGE congratulations feeling on getting the job 🙂 I also have a deck of Tarot and it’s along time since I’ve done a reading but you know I might do one today 😉 xx
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Thank you! It’s funny that once I set myself to it is works out to be ‘easy’ to ‘get’ a job. Well not there yet: haven’t seen the contract but it’s a standard one so I guess it is ok. And money only counts as money when it is on my bank account…. but still. It’s nice. Wish I could call my mom.
I don’t do full readings yet, just pulling a card for one question or the general situation. Still it works out to be the same one almost every time. Which actually sort of ‘proves’ that it is a valid method, or?
Good for you. There’s so much promise in this post!!! I love it!
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Thank you Fern :-).
I’m just catching up as I think I accidentally unfollowed you , sorry!
Noticing feelings, and treating them as information – I’ve been reading some stuff about Buddhism which describes this very thing. Pausing after you notice the feelings gives you a chance to consider your response. We can avoid the ‘second arrow’ of being down on ourselves because of our reactions this way. At least I think that’s right….I’m looking into it a bit more and might do a post. It appeals to me very much.
Congrats on the job! Take care xx
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Hi Waking up,
Yeah, the unintentional unfollowing happens to me too, it’s a bit weird on WordPress, easy to push the wrong button somehow.
I would love to read what you have found in Buddhism about this. 🙂 It’s funny that I have ‘always’ thought that we create our thinking conciously, but most of it gets done and we are, or I at least am, not even aware of it. I’m thinking there is a lot to be learned there. Specifically since I am starting to agree with the idea that our thoughts and intentions shape our future and well, current day. And, following that, in trying to get to a nicer future or current day, I find that I create obstacles. So many! Where, when it came to drinking I sat/sit down long enough to realise that I am happy that I quit, I don’t do that with other stuff. Actually, so many things happening in sobriety, hard to keep track of everything. I want more organisation in my life. I need to work on that. Quote: ‘Do not despair, your current problems give you the strength to deal with your problems better.’ Or something along those lines. It’s sort of waiting for rock bottom to turn ourself the other way. 🙂
Thanks on the congrats :-).