On intimacy and sex

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Ha, I was curious as to why I was so enthusiastic about Esther Nicholson from the tapping conference yesterday. And… then I checked out the OTHER interview. Dealing with me going in denial here – but I DID listen to Alina Frank and Craig Weiner on Learning to Love: Healing the Legacy of Trauma to Create Physical and Emotional Intimacy.

It was difficult to hear. I go into freezing at the moment people speak about freezing. Thoughts of things that happened have been I don’t know, driven to the background more and more. They were very present before I quit drinking and the anger stayed on for a few months and then, I don’t know, my direction of thought and feeling changed and it was not important anymore for me at these times.

During my last 6 months I have made some discoveries about childhood and youth, will, issues. I discovered that I had this sense of foreboding in, as far as I can remember, every situation that I ever got harassed. As far as I can remember ‘harassment’ never came ‘out of the blue’ – not at age 18, not at age 4. But that doesn’t make it easier  to deal with because now I go from thinking I am stupid and bad because this happened to me to actually feeling responsible. And I KNOW that is not the whole truth but I did not take action on my intuition and that is something that has gotten me in trouble at all sorts of levels in all sorts of situations.

I also discovered that I have this energetic door that I slam into the face of any man I meet. And that this triggers aggression. I don’t want to go into that too deep now. Need my wits upon me. Wondering if I’m self-sabotaging my (hopefully) new job with falling back into well, unsolved issues. I learned in the last month that I am pretty ok with being overweight and having grey hair because it ‘keeps me safe’ from admirers. Yes, time for some feel good film on Netflix and sleep. No dwelling on the past. Sign some contracts first, focus on a new job.

I will put in one extra paragraph on sex. If you know me in real life you might want to skip this one…. I have experienced almost a total lack of sex-drive since I quit drinking and fantasies that would normally stimulate me now look awful and inappropriate. (Yes this paragraph is about single-sex in case you wondered 😉 ) Also having sexual fantasies about actual people is something that I suddenly feel is very inappropriate ‘through-the-air-energy’ wise. Yeah, sounds funny, I know, but it is one of those psychological/physical changes that I find, well, strange – before I quit I would not have guessed that this would be part of it. It’s good, I guess, but a little funny to feel like I redefine sexuality at age 45. Having said so, I am guessing that nasty sexual experiences are a very big part of my drinking history so maybe it is actually the first thing I should have expected to change. Hmmm…. Shall I put ‘sex’ in the tags? I’ll dress it up a little. 🙂 The thought of sober sex is something that scares me and on the other side feels interesting. But I don’t have to worry about it because I lack a guy. And… seeing what is changing in me currently I am more and more convinced that it is indeed not wise to even think of starting a relation in the first year of recovery.

For those who know me in RL you can continue reading here:

I am happy that I quit although I could do with some serious tea. :-/

I need: to keep my wits about me and not self-sabotage.

I want: the whole world to explode (sorry) where I am the only one who survives (sorry, again). I guess I need to take care of me. It’s amazing how quickly memories of events that I have experienced as destructive turn into big destructive feelings towards well, everything and everybody (triple sorry). Everything was fine yesterday. I need to Netflix, bathe, sleep.

Have a nice evening / day / morning! I promise you I will not blow up the world :-D. Just Netflix, bath, sleep. And sorry for you from the NSA having to read this blog now because somebody anonymously typed about blowing up the world: these are not code words. Just expressions of destructive feelings. 🙂 Trust me. 😀

xx, Feeling

7 thoughts on “On intimacy and sex”

  1. I love your honesty. I have very similar feelings about my past, my actions in the past and a sense of self-blame and continual self-sabotaging. It’s hard to feel I deserve good things so I usually stay away from opportunities. This furthers my feelings that my basic instincts have gone astray. I almost think I have lost sight of my basic intuition. But, with each day sober I am learning to live in the moment and experience my SELF. There’s a great deal of learning to be done.

    I have been going through changes with how I feel about sex, too. When I first got sober my husband said, “I’m never gonna get a ‘BJ’ again.” He wasn’t far from the truth because I often feel I’m not true to myself when I do that because it is not something I’m dying to do. In fact, I wouldn’t miss it if I never did it again! I think self-pleasuring is a positive thing. My fantasies have evolved into my pleasure without distracting images of others. Girl power! That’s enough on that subject! 🙂

    Good luck with your interviews!

    Fern

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    • Hi Fern, and thank YOU for your honesty, I was starting to feel VERY honest and VERY lonely here with bringing up this subject in this way. 🙂
      Sorry to hear that you feel you lost sight of your intuition. I am starting to notice more and more that I tend to live in the flight/flight/freeze mode more as a daily, continuous thing than the ‘this happens ever so now and then’ mode it was designed for. Now I come to think of it, in conversation with my Ayahuasca spirit she said that I was always ‘scanning out there’, outside of my body. And ‘because you are constantly out there, you are not aware of the base that your body brings’. And then I started whining ‘but I need to be out there so I can spot danger!’ And she said: ‘When you are in your body you can spot danger better AND have the strength to react to it.’ ‘You will find that there is less danger than you think, because you are out there, everything shakes you easier so you experience a lot of things as fearful that do not need to be labeled as such’. And I went: ‘Nooooo, it is very dangerous… I can not stop scanning! I would be dead within 5 minutes. I am sure! Whine, blablabla, whine…. ‘. Hmmm, it is actually only today that I really, really understand what she was trying to tell me.
      Lately I have officially, when looking at my bank account, come into a more stressful situation than I have ever been in – bank account wise. But because I have used the Schuessler cell salts I can relax better, sleep better. I’ve done some tapping on fear, well, on not having fear. 😀 And now with the 5 minute ‘streamline your meridians’ practise from Donna Eden I am starting to feel like relaxation is happening more on the inside too. Not only my boobs have dropped, the rest of my skin is dropping too while I used to have that beefy appearance and all over firmness that, say Monica Lewinsky has. 🙂 Could be an age thing too ;-).
      And a book (hahahaha, no surprise there….) springs to mind: ‘The drama of the gifted child’ from Alice Miller’ It is about children (people?), and a mechanism that, in short works like this: because we are dependent on parents and want to be loved and included, we tend to screw up our hart, feelings and intuition to ‘get by’ and survive the physical and emotional abuse that hits us. I guess it is about the mechanisms of denial now I think about it. She was one of the first psychiatrists to let go of the idea that stories of children about sex with their parents where Freudian fantasies. She said: take it as it is and work from there. I found that type of thinking VERY, VERY much unvealed a lot of emotions within me; taking seriously what I feel.
      She has a nice website. By the looks of it some other titles might be interesting too. Aaaah, my list ‘to read’ is already too long…. And now I have a Donna Eden watch an read list. Pffffff.
      I’m going to prep for my interview tomorrow.
      Have a nice day/evening/night!
      xx, Feeling

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  2. Hi Feeling!
    It’s your perky blogger friend in MN!
    To be honest, I miss drunken sex with my hubby.
    However, I also have good sober sex. It’s just not as “exciting” or something.
    Although sometimes, I would be too drunk and then things didn’t work well!
    I hope you are having a good day.
    Hugs,
    Wendy

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    • Having a good day here thank you. ‘Exciting drunk sex’ yeah, I remember. I guess that’s ok-er with a hubby than with somebody I picked up from a bar. 🙂 Glad you are enjoying yourself. I would think it would be a big change in a relation. You have a good day too!
      xx, Feeling

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