On happiness, or lack thereof

So true, but sometimes I just can’t find my happiness switch. I guess it is the path to work out what is preventing me from being happy.

Not sure how that works with missing people. Grief is a goodbye that has not been accepted. Or so, or I don’t give a shit I just miss my mother a lot. Next 25th it the 7,5 years anniversary of her death. No I don’t count the days, it’s just that I count my sober months and this 25th is my 6th month sober. And I quit at her dying day. It just feels like I have to go through it all again.

I am happy that I quit but today is difficult. I feel like I am floating through life and it is time to start filling it in.

I want: to not hurt, not be sad, not be missing my mom.

I need: to start taking some responsibility and push myself a little, and it is time for that now. To sleep. Had a bad night again last night. Powerful dreaming. Possibly due to the Calcium I had been taking or the whatever brand dream tea. Which I don’t believe in specifically but it tastes good. Maybe I should believe in it and I will take a book to my bed to write in when I wake up.

I take: magnesium in Schuessler tissue salt against chocolate cravings and a twitching eyelid, inability to relax, feeling powerless, dealing with stress from society and haha… addictions. Let’s see what it does. It is also for falling asleep quickly and it resets your idea of sleeping time to what it should be what possibly causes me to be very tired since the sun went down.

Don’t feel like writing. Need to sleep. Have a nice day/evening/night.



6 thoughts on “On happiness, or lack thereof

  1. I miss mine too and my Dad – I ran away form these feelings for years – drank and used on them. I have learnt they are just feelings and emotions and gradually (at times painfully) learnt to live with them. They used to feel life threatening, that they would overwhelm me. I feel sadness and grief because I love them and wish they were here. These are normal and healthy emotions to have. My heartache is a measure of my love for them and them for me. It is no longer a scar. There is much love in surrogate families of recovery I have also found that out. And we can be loved back to health, if we allow others to do so. If we accept we need that help. Nighty night. Paul

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I existed on guilty pleasures as soon as I could eat again, which was about six months after I quit. I enjoyed double chocolate Italian Ice Cream. It was all I could eat. Don’t deny too many cravings. Sleep will come with time.


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