Sigh….

Had the job interview this morning – I can’t lie anymore. Don’t want to anymore. But I feel insecure about my new not posturing me. Also feeling sad about what I drank away. The professional pride – all gone. Where my CV used to look like a beautiful road to success I am now presenting a puzzle with quite some pieces missing. I guess I’ll have to deal with this now, sober. Parts of me feel likeΒ Ryan – a very succesful artist who used and drank his life away and is now living in the ‘world of but’. Every opportunity is covered up with a ‘yeah, but…’ meaning nothing other than ‘no, please fuck of politely’.

On the other hand, I cried, I sorted stuff out, I cried again and I feel that no matter what I am doingΒ  the right thing now. Not sure if this job is the right place, she actually pretty much scares me and if feels like she wants to stay in that place where she does that. So…. hmmm… When I was done crying an old customer called, major job but requiring other (lower, who would have guessed 😦 ) tariff from me because of budget reasons. It would be a wonderful learning opportunity because there I can do something I have not done professionally. But (?) again: these people move at a speed and with a lack of attention to detail and human interaction that they scare me. But (?) maybe everything spooks me now.Β  Don’t know. Gonna go out, get some tea before the sun is gone.

I am happy that I quit because I can learn to deal with things and feel the depth and the hight and the details of it all. Quite exciting actually. Not to start of with, but after a while.

I want: I am wanting life was a little more simple. But (?) maybe…. continuously thinking it is difficult sets me on a path were it is difficult. Maybe I should try to be happy about it and embrace it. A day without difficulty is a day wasted… or so. πŸ˜€ No. What about: follow the stream of life / don’t resist the tide / or… ?

I need: to get organised to take that energy with me so I believe myself and those scrutinizing me will trust me on that point. Very important in the branch I work in. Loads of deadlines.

I take: nothing, not in the mood.

Have a nice day/evening!

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9 thoughts on “Sigh….

  1. Constantly thinking about simplicity seems to defeat the purpose of simplicity, doesn’t it. πŸ™‚

    As far as the job, for right now it may be more important to have any employment than to have the right kind of employment. It will help you build up your CV and your professional pride again, and make those gaps less noticeable.

    If it helps, you can think of it as a temporary position that will help you get your foot in the door again, and may help you to move on to something more to your liking.

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  2. Dear Feeling,
    Maybe with tea, sun, and sleep something will become clear to you.
    Life so often requires us to take a leap of faith.
    Scary sometimes, that’s for sure.
    At least me for it is.
    I’m giving you EXTRA hugs today!!!
    Wendy

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    • Yes! I feel that they do, even if it was being aware of my mood and changing it to take something positive out of the experience. There are all kind of mechanisms going on since yesterday and it is Good Fun to see how clear these become now I don’t drink anymore. πŸ™‚ That is so COOL!

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  3. An old saying sprang to mind feeling – what’s meant for you won’t pass you by. I think I may have used that line before about a different subject but it still applies πŸ™‚ Have faith in yourself too xx

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  4. Wow! I hope you realize how much you’ve changed and grown in the last few months. You write that you’re sorting stuff out, instead of hiding from your To Do list. You’re starting to face your life, bravely. I’m proud of you. It’ll come, it’ll work itself out!

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    • πŸ™‚ Yes, I have changed! I am noticing that too. It is strange. Sometimes I speak with people that I haven’s seen a while and I feel like our old contact is no longer applicable – that is strange. Did you have that too? Not that it were specific drinking buddies, but e.g. with my brother: a few months ago I would be angry at him and now I am just surprised that he thinks the demeaning way he deals with me is acceptable. Don’t want to go there. Aaah, need to tell some more about the job application. Coming up!

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