Had the job interview this morning – I can’t lie anymore. Don’t want to anymore. But I feel insecure about my new not posturing me. Also feeling sad about what I drank away. The professional pride – all gone. Where my CV used to look like a beautiful road to success I am now presenting a puzzle with quite some pieces missing. I guess I’ll have to deal with this now, sober. Parts of me feel like Ryan – a very succesful artist who used and drank his life away and is now living in the ‘world of but’. Every opportunity is covered up with a ‘yeah, but…’ meaning nothing other than ‘no, please fuck of politely’.
On the other hand, I cried, I sorted stuff out, I cried again and I feel that no matter what I am doing the right thing now. Not sure if this job is the right place, she actually pretty much scares me and if feels like she wants to stay in that place where she does that. So…. hmmm… When I was done crying an old customer called, major job but requiring other (lower, who would have guessed 😦 ) tariff from me because of budget reasons. It would be a wonderful learning opportunity because there I can do something I have not done professionally. But (?) again: these people move at a speed and with a lack of attention to detail and human interaction that they scare me. But (?) maybe everything spooks me now. Don’t know. Gonna go out, get some tea before the sun is gone.
I am happy that I quit because I can learn to deal with things and feel the depth and the hight and the details of it all. Quite exciting actually. Not to start of with, but after a while.
I want: I am wanting life was a little more simple. But (?) maybe…. continuously thinking it is difficult sets me on a path were it is difficult. Maybe I should try to be happy about it and embrace it. A day without difficulty is a day wasted… or so. 😀 No. What about: follow the stream of life / don’t resist the tide / or… ?
I need: to get organised to take that energy with me so I believe myself and those scrutinizing me will trust me on that point. Very important in the branch I work in. Loads of deadlines.
I take: nothing, not in the mood.
Have a nice day/evening!