Every so now and then I make a list of the physical and psychological changes in life. Lots has been going on since the last post. A lot of things have been posted in between too. I’ve noticed that almost every week there are things that improve vastly in comparison to how they were.
I’ve started this post to note down that I am starting to enjoy being a woman and starting to enjoy being (in?) this body and in my life. It feels like I am finally doing that last bit of incarnation that I have always felt I missed. I can actually move my conscious through my body to my lower parts without wanting to run and hide and scream. Not that they are so horrible, it’s just (?) that there’s a lot of horror, anger, pain, denial stuck there. It is part the change in me but it is also brought on by the compliments of the store man on that and how he appreciated my outer appearance. At the moment I felt that the comment was meant a-sexual (with a very well veiled sexual hint to see how I would react I guess) but having fallen for him I chose to interpreted it differently. Well, not matter what. It thought me that I can be seen, as a female without being harassed. Which is a concept that got destroyed in early childhood. Hints of it are coming back. And that is good.
So, guessing Karma does not rest until the issues are pulled out by the roots… so what happened was that I went looking for Non-duality on the net. The store man is big fan of this concept and I wondered if and how this ‘concept’ I am not familiar with, views the male-female relation. Specifically since the store man pinned down my life’s obstacle I-Tjing karma thingy as: Duality. I interpret that as a sign of my black-and-white thinking and extreme all or nothing behavior as described in the book Addictive Thinking. So, no, not back into swooning over the store man, just testing concepts that have been brought onto my path. I’m actually looking for a good name for my new project and it has to do with trends reading and my idea that trends are reactions to things happening. So looking into duality and non-duality makes sense.
Well, non-duality in short, says we’re all energy and ‘I’ don’t exist (you neither… in case you wondered….), they are all into one-ness. Pffffff…. So I was totally letting myself being engulved in this one-ness thought – which I found strange, unproductive and scary but… let’s try…. see where it leads. Where does it lead? To a movie on the net of some Dutch men explaining non-duality with SUCH a HIGH quality of indirect discrimination of women, I think I could sue them for it! Whoah!!! Amazing! Amazing! Non-duality in practise? MY ASS!! Not when you are publicly discussing the beauty of your wife with a guy and ‘being ok with her’ ‘even though she is kind of stupid and underdeveloped’ in his opinion. Pfffff…. Whoah! Ghegheghe, karma, karma testing me. No, I did not write him a mail. I did have some anger fantasies on what I would tell him if I were to ever see him. Ghegheghe… yes, yes, I’ll grow up, just this last one (where have we heard that before?)
So that was an interesting experience. Which brings me back to what I have been brought back to since I started this journey: all I need to know is within me. All we need to know is within us. And my mantra for my darkest hours: if all else fails, I still have myself.
Back to changes. I like waking up. I’m setting the alarm earlier and earlier and I hope to get to the point where I wake up 15 minutes before sun up. I like that. And it goes natural now, no forcing. And it automatically forces me to go to bed earlier. 🙂 And I sleep better, due to that I guess and also due to the Schuessler cell salt I am taking for not sleeping through the night. I fall asleep literally within 2 minutes. And then I wake up and have visions of doom and destruction of me and I can’t fall asleep anymore.
I threw a Tarot card on my back pain. Tarot said: Fear. That was literally the name of the card. It does coincide with the waking up in horror – that’s when the back pain starts. I’ve been using my knuckles to put some pressure around my sacrum and suddenly my breath ‘fell through my body’ to the place in my back and I could breathe there. The pain was gone! It has not been very present since then. No promises. 🙂
When I walk I can feel direction in my feet. There is some kind of goal orientation that I have not known to exist in my feet on the insides running into my big toe. Like when you do yoga and need to put the pressure on the insides of the feet. I like it, it’s good that I feel my feet anyhow. That happened since I started walking a few weeks ago.
Ankles, still giving me troubles / I trouble my ankles with I don’t know what. They make noise, snap and hurt every now and then. Have been doing for years. It’s only now that I have the room to pay attention to it.
The de-frosting of my body is continuing in my buttocks. I have complained about my breasts suddenly having to deal with gravity due to lack of phyto-estrogen from the beer and due to the Schuessler salts that make the glands less solid and hard. Well… my buttocks are in need of a lift by now too. Ghegheghe…. Actually, I’m really enjoying it. I guess I held onto a lot of anger and tension and now that is leaving.
Clean eating was planned for 2 weeks, I managed 7 or 8 days and suddenly I ate sugar, got depressed and the next thing was that I craved anything hot, fatty and salty. Dealing with the vulnerability of being depressed without feeling there is a way out (which there was… but… pffff) was scary. My non-drinking resolution wavered for a while. I have returned to doing my online alcohol desensitization course too. Well, it’s free, I might as well. I think it works.
With the not-clean eating my bowel movements returned to normal. Which makes me happy. I feel the fog is leaving me slowly, which is good. I should be applying for jobs but there is this inability – and something that says: this is not the way. But I’m not sure if that is fear of failure or truth.
I am happy that I quit. It may sound as a cliché by now (or after 2 weeks already 🙂 ) but I find this mental, physical, spiritual journey very exciting. Way more exciting than drinking. And I guess… I need to keep in mind how important that is for me – it’s a tricky treat: wanting to let go into the spiritual highs I can get from discovering things and also wondering if I should not curb in (is that the word?) those notions. On the other hand, maybe I should be paying attention to what door I take out. Not so much that I want and go out of the normal state of mind. We will see. The Tarot keeps on pushing me to start my project and make it public. I believe I am right in doing so but I do not dare to because it will entail anything and everything that is sacred to me and combine it with business. Scary.
I want: to sleep.
I need: to sleep. I think I need to find a way to start to live like so that the I want and I need are aligned. And not only the sleep and eat stuff.
I take: some Schuessler salts on bowel movements, bone strength and letting go.
Have a nice day/afternoon/evening/night!