Trying the magical route and ending up in a negative corner

I’ve been watching the movie ‘The Secret’. And no matter the reviews the book and the movie get, I really like it. It is about attracting good things to your life and how to do it. They say there are universal rules to attracting happiness and prosperity and good health and that these rules have been around since the beginning of the world (but have been kept secret – don’t want to go into that). I think…. it works. Why? Because a few years ago I tried it and it worked twice and then I got busy and forgot about it. I asked for presents and got 100 Euro’s for something that I would have done for free and on the same day I got paid 2000 Euro’s for extra work that I had done outside an assignment but had not put in the offer because I had miscalculated. Well, I calculated wrong so that was my loss. I did not lose sleep over that because it was a learning experience. But then the company asked me: ‘Does your invoice cover your costs?’

Have you ever asked your plumber, dentist, gardener, foodstore (liquor store / drugs supplier) that question? I know I haven’t…. So I answered truthfully and said: No, it does not, I have miscalculated, specifically finding my way around the procedures in your company has cost more time than I calculated. But that is my mistake, we agreed upon the amount that was set and that is it for me.’ And they answered: ‘Write an invoice and we’ll cover it.’ That’s how I got my 2000 Euro’s. It was ‘only’ about 10-15% of the assignment but still… I had been asking the universe to get something, just, as a gift, just because I was tired of doing it all by myself – and I got it. πŸ™‚

Also, the movie implies that if you want to change something you should not think; ‘don’t drink, don’t drink’ but ‘I’m happy to be free, I am free, I love to be free’ and experience it. That’s what I did. And I (with the little disclaimer up to now) had it easy. I feel there is an internal storm coming, things are stirring and calling for a change and the feeling points at drastic measures on the negativity front. I want to run away from that feeling so I guess I choose what I call the magical side. Or maybe, maybe I choose the positive side and start to trust in the creative force of the universe. Somehow, when I wrote this first it felt dangerous. Looking for a magical solution is. It is a place where it is easy to lose contact with the world. It’s therapy time too.

The Secret; there is a book too, it’s got a lot of space between the lines and quotes and references that nobody will ever check but….. it puts me in a mode where I back away from the continuous negative thinking and fear that I otherwise experience. Negativity, self-destruction and dealing with it is my life’s purpose momentarily. Quitting booze works out to be just the first step. Now I need to deal with the underlying structure. I might as well do that the way I do things best: extreme. So I’m gonna try (yes, try, not do, I don’t have a lot of DO in me at the moment) to start with their tips. I made the following notes:

We attract what we imagine. Here are some quotes that really got my attention and I guess indicate what (not) to do.

energy flows

That is very much like:


I know, I know, all beautiful one-liners. But who said life would not be simple. From a Dutch famous writer:

‘If you hear somebody saying that a situation is complicated, do not worry about his story. Check out his reasons for wanting to complicate a situation.’


And one from Carl Jung:


I have experienced that this works. Before I quit drinking I was in a fierce gender fight and I must say pretty much disliked most man and I met dislikable men. I mean, who goes to Turkey on a holiday, knowing the Islamic culture is not exactly cheering to see women like me and then meets up with 3 male taxi drivers on 3 different occasions who, within 3 minutes of the conversation tell them that ‘they have daughters and they would rather have had sons’, ‘have daughters and regret it’ and ‘have the opinion that a woman is worthless’. I mean?!!!? Apart from their opinion doing injustice to half of the world AND themself for denying Creation – I am pretty convinced that something in me puts this on my road. Not saying I am to blame for their rudeness, just saying that I acknowledge that ‘what we resist, persists’. Unless I deal with this in myself I will meet man who say things like this so I can confirm my view of the world and they can confirm their view of the world and we both live unhappily ever after.

I’ve been in a lot of situations where my physical and emotional integrity was hurt badly. Thing is, in hindsight I have always known upfront what was going to happen with a person. I felt it, it feels like doom and blackness. And I did not take action to make sure I was safe. Not sure how it started off but from what I remember there were situations where I did not want to believe the bad things because that would mean I was not safe and the world was not a safe place. I could not deal with that thought so I preferred to stick my head into the ground and keep my ideals whole. And there were situations where I did not feel I had the right to save myself, that somehow, because I knew the badness and could feel the dirt, I must have called it upon me or be part of it or be it.

There have also been situations where running away would have made me prey immediately, that too. But in those cases too, I knew up front. Was I drawn to it? Some I guess. I can remember situations where I was taken hostage just by looking into the eyes of the offender over a distance of 8-10 meters through a bar. There would be a physical feeling of connection where, if I were to describe it, there was a meat hook that stuck into my heart and I would be lifted from the floor for say 5cm and my carried to the villan. It felt like he had captured my life’s energy. That time I actually felt it so clearly, even through the booze that I called my brother and sort of forced him to leave IMMEDIATELY. He asked me what the fuss was about and I said that the man across the dance floor was after me in a bad we. He did not believe me because the guy was not even looking. We started to leave and the man followed us out at a speed and with a rage that was incredible. Outside he was snorting with rage, we could see his shoulders heaving. I think I escaped a terrible man there.

When I got older I wanted to prove that I could fight these men and, well, boys. I kicked a lot of balls. There is even a term for it in English: angry young woman. I wore a metal dog chain around my neck and a shaving knife in as an earring. Big rings like knuckle busters. Angry young women. Guess the young is not true anymore :-). Angry is there, not as much anymore though. Did it ruin a lot of my life? Yes. And well, no use crying over spilled milk. :-/

Since I got sober I have met very nice man. And it shakes my world. I thought they were a fairy tale. Negativity and sadness, need to let go. That’s what the Ayahuasca said in my ceremonies, that is what the Tarot cards tell me. It’s rooted deep.

Now things change and I get to work out some of this. Every so now and then it comes up and changes a little. Why now? Because the negativity I carry is starting to hinder me. It keeps me scared. It keeps me from healing, from enjoying what has been given. The Ayahuasca said that the world, creation is there to be enjoyed. I could not believe it then, thought it was a fantasy made up by my conscious mind. Now I am starting to believe it. Works out al lot of spiritual leaders of note say the same thing. And it is on the internet, so it must be true πŸ˜€

its on the internet





During writing all of this I have been playing ‘Carrol of the bells‘ which I somehow thought was appropriate. It works out to be – not an English Christmas song – but a Ukrainian New Years eve song about a swallow flying into the house and bringing good tidings about wealth that will come in spring. πŸ™‚ How very much into the theme I started off with. πŸ™‚

While watching The Secret this evening I become aware very much of how I see the world.Β By now I think it might not be smart to repeat the misery I am in but herewith a last (?) repeat of my personal, well, I think, traumatized thinking. Thoughts that are in the front of my mind immediately upon seeing the below scenes from the video above:


1 ‘Take the road along the river, than you can see ‘them’ coming.’ Not sure exactly who ‘them’ is but they are bad news.


2 ‘Man, rapist’


3 ‘So what maiden was drowned in this pool?’


4 ‘Dead body next to women.’ On a closer look while blowing the painting up in an other program it works out to be luggage, not a body.


5 ‘Ooh red riding hood take care when going into the woods.’ And ‘I would love to live there but I never could because I would be scared all day.’


6 ‘Man = dangerous’ (that would be the man most right on the painting. The one in the front is dangerous because he is mentally underdeveloped and will follow the bad guy but he is also a chance out in a dangerous situation because he has kindness towards a sister.’ How can anybody come up with those things within seconds of looking at a painting? Don’t know. When somebody else would tell this to me I would think they are traumatized. Do I feel traumatized? Not in my current state of mind. There is some detachment now. Guess I would not have been able to notice any of these thoughts if there was no detachment.

This post is becoming way too long. And I have lost the good vibes that I wanted to tell you about. That’s what negativity does I guess. Still, there is not a cell in my body that will change my opinions about these ‘situations’ above because I think they are true. If you have had the stamina to read up to here and still have some left I would appreciate if you could tell me what you see in the paintings.


7 Women in the background being harrased by man.’

Currently burning white sage incense (I first wrote incest…) to clear the air. The cat is unhappy and I am scared. When younger I knew exactly this mood would attract hunters. Feeling like prey. Well, nothing good can come from this night anymore. It’s very late here.

I am happy that I quit and I see the reason for needing to quit more clearly now. However, being confronted with the negativity in me makes it harder to want to be sober. 😦

I want: for it all to go away. That is dangerous thinking in itself. I need to go to sleep.

I need: to sleep. And not do these things this late. I also need to get into another frame of mind because I feel like a sitting duck.

I take: some salts against diarrhea and the calcium salt because I need more stamina, more straightness in my bones so to say.

Have a nice evening/morning/day. πŸ™‚

15 thoughts on “Trying the magical route and ending up in a negative corner

  1. Sleep. I hope your dream return you to the game seas of sending out the positive.

    That song immediately makes me anxious. Not sure why….

    Lots to think of here. I have the secret stairs and haven’t read it. I guess today is the day.


    Liked by 1 person

    • I went to bed, still anxious and took the Rescue remedy from Bach Remedies, a sort of homoepathic like drops for physical or emotional emergency situations. I slept for 7 hours straight (NEW!!) and woke up at 10, totally refreshed. I am amazed! πŸ™‚
      Enjoy your book πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ok
    I read the book and completely agree with it. I’m all for positive affirmations and intentions. I really liked the explanations and am going to start using this more specifically.

    I will look for the movie tomorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes! And I really like the idea of having practising it in such a way that you already possess it. Like FEEL the wheel of the new car, experience how it is to, right at this moment, live in the house of my dreams. That’s what I did with getting ‘clean’ or quitting drinking. I guess it works. Let’s see. πŸ™‚


  3. Dear Feeling,
    I haven’t seen the movie or read the book, but it sounds good!
    I read your whole post!
    I’m glad you got some good sleep!
    Peace and Hugs,

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes I agree, a lot to take in and think about here. I think it’s totally natural when we start delving into “magic” or positive thinking and affirmations, or envisioning reality to manifest it…to start thinking about our past and some of the negative thinking habits we’ve had. Normal. Not so fun sometimes but normal. As long as we remember to replace the negative, victim-type thinking with more of the reality and objective truth about where we are today. It’s so easy for me to start swimming in those old memories, the old versions of me, and forget that I have done some work to climb out of that pool. Easy to forget I’m not that version of me anymore, I’m a new version. Anyway…what I love about your post, as usual, is how thoughtful you are about what’s going on with you. It always helps me to think a little more deeply about my own life.

    Big hugs…and positive feelings and affirmations to you. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hmmmm, enjoying the hugs here :-). And yes, thoughts and habitual thinking versus reality…. I notice that being sober helps me better to ‘let go’. These thoughts and reactions are now something I can begin to study instead of not even noticing them and / or ‘being them’. Sorry to repeat and spam but I also think the Schuessler salts I take change stuff. I’m taking one for learning to let go an not dwell in sad memories :-). No matter what or how – there’s movement and some oxygen going to places that used to be all dark. πŸ™‚ I’m happy.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

      • You can google ‘Schuessler tissue salt’ or Schuessler cell salt’. There used to be 12, but now there are 24. You can either decide by checking on
        1 symptoms
        2 facial analysis (since the face is the part of your body where most blood flows – it is also the part that responds quickest to changes in quantities of minerals that your body needs. A lot of traits, like drooping eyelids, a red nose, pimples, see through teeth and whatever you can think of are signs of minerals lacking. So there’s an entry to find stuff.
        3 Check out the character traits that belong with a salt.
        The one I am using for letting go is number 15 for dealing with old wounds, number 2 for building (bone and teeth) strength and against holding onto old things and 8 for those that are easily disappointed and carry that with them.
        You can google Schuessler salt with the number and you’ll find them. Please be aware that Schuessler is a German name and the original spelling has a letter, the ß in it that is not on our keyboard and it is generally replaced with ss. Also the ue is supposed to be ΓΌ so you will find I believe 3 or 4 different ways of spelling it on the net. The salts can be bought in any health store but take the ones that are made according to the traditional methode. That info would also be on the net – it seems to be important.
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I like Carol of the Bells, and I LOVE IT with the cello! Never heard it like that before. Anne – I think the reason it resonates oddly with you is that it’s in a minor key with a bunch of sharps and flats. In Western European music, that tends to carry an ominous vibe, but it’s common and pleasant in Eastern European music.

    As far as the pictures… maybe I just have the imagination of a lima bean, but I tried really hard and all I saw was people working in a field, and some cattle. I considered that the pond probably smelled bad because it looked like it had pond scum on it, and I thought that it overall seemed like a nice place to live but that my allergies would probably bother me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ghegheghe! Loving it!! Yes! And I am happy for you that in you is the ability to see these paintings like that. πŸ™‚ I wish my conditioning had not brought me to this sad view. Sorry to hear about your allergies.
      I don’t know about music 😦 Thank you for filling us in on this! I did work out on wiki that this is the original language and the story is not a Christmas but a spring story of good tidings. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling


  6. I’ve read the Secret and watched the film too, they’re great. I also bought ‘What you think of me is none of my business’ by Terry Cole-Whittaker. Have you read it? Its kind of a similar premise – I think What you think of me came out quite a bit before The Secret. But I really get the way Terry Cole Whittaker writes. She spells it out very plainly, and at the end of each short chapter are some points for action – ‘observe, choose, give up blame, create it the way you want it, and affirmations’ for each aspect of life. It helps, I think, in making that transition from creating unconsciously to creating consciously. Not that I’m any sort of expert!
    I find myself in that place of being more able to observe my thoughts and feelings, too, even without reading the book. Which leads on to the next couple of steps. I’d say I’m around the ‘give up blame’ area at the moment I hope to be able to ‘create it the way I want it’ soon – I have faith that I will get there πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know the book you mention but I will put it on my list!
      Yes, the blame…. :-/ It does free up a LOT of energy but indeed, getting there is sometimes difficult. πŸ™‚ I would love to hear how you proceed and when you get there (for a while): what was it that made the ‘switch’?
      xx, Feeling


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