A few days ago I got this 1 inch, 0,80 Euro hippo because I just could not let it go. I felt related. Loads of things happened from there. But first: what is this hippo telling you? Is it laughing? Is it belching? Crying? Is it making noise to scare something or somebody away? Is it calling someone? Her kid maybe? Is it ridiculing someone? Do you see joy? Fear? Love? Anger? Aggression? Is it just opening its mouth to catch a bunch of lettuce?
Yeah, well, the funny things of this tiny animal that it has been doing all these things in a few hours while standing on the foot of my screen. I guess, by now, I know how far and wide projecting goes. Falling in love = casting a cloud of hope, dreams and projections over a person. Falling out of love is seeing the hippo.
There was even more to learn from it. What about this stream of internal thoughts:
‘Yeah, no wonder you feel related; it’s fat.’
‘No wonder you feel related: it’s aggressive.’
‘No wonder you feel related: it’s got sensitive skin. Ooooooooh, sensitive skin…..’
‘Look it’s laughing at you, making fun of you.’
‘Yes, why wouldn’t you choose a totem animal that kills most humans world wide?’
I did read up on the totem stuff for the hippo. A few things there. But I’m guessing that is not the learning I am doing here. I feel very much not ready for the world outside but maybe, maybe, maybe it would be very good to have a bigger world outside to take my mind of things. Just a suggestion.
I am happy that I quit, it has been a bit of a difficult day for me because I notice that any tiny bit of trouble makes me doubt my sobriety and immediately fall back into serious addictive thinking of which the ‘I want this to go away now’ is pretty destructive. But I guess I learned by now that I can write a blog post, think things true during writing, come up with something that makes life doable at the end. And if not, it’s not the end. Whatever it takes is what it takes. Maybe I’ll get the egg-timer to do it’s work tomorrow, just to check on me. Aah, fuck the happy. I’m tired. And it scares me that I can say fuck the happy but maybe, I should just go to bed. Last night I slept all night. That would be the 3rd or 4th time in 5 months sober.
I want: pffff, I want it all. Ofcourse I want it all and I want it now. Addictive thinking. 😦
I need: to go to bed. The day has been worrysome enough. It’s about 23:30 here. And I need to improve my sleeping because noting this down that it is the 3rd or 4th time that I slept all night is amazing. I knew but it was never in the front of my mind. I guess these things pop up like what is the most urgent.
I take: hmmm, nothing today. Funny. So I am unhappy and immediately the care level drops. Interesting. Tsssss. Huh… Informative. And scary. And happy that I have this list with the happy, want, need check points. It is informative. Pfff, bedtime. Walked 8km today and stood talking for 2 hours with another store man (don’t worry, he’s 73 😉 )