Why falling in love is not a good idea

Since Mr Store man has informed me of being in a relation I am restless and for the first time in 5 months I hate being sober. Now when I read back after having written the rest of the post I realise that I do not hate being sober, I hate feeling pain where it really hurts. I am truly experiencing that wanting to start a relation now is NOT A GOOD IDEA. Well that is apart from the fact where he is taken and into pot more than I had hoped. :-/ I get thrown all over the place by my emotions. Fucking irritating. I am back in this I WANT IT TO GO AWAY mode that I know from drinking. Blggghhhh. And for the first time in my 5 months sober history I am regretting that I quit drinking. (That was my first reaction – I don’t feel that now after writing this post) I feel a shitload of apprehension to be writing about this. But I guess I need to sort out my feelings around it or things are not going right.

Notice: apprehension, looming danger, I want it to go away now – the quick solution. Addictive thinking is taking over. I feel apprehension to think about this because it is very uncomfortable there where I need to go and I feel loss and pain. And I feel ridiculous. Ridiculous for being so stupid as to think that somebody that nice could be out there waiting for me. A store man! Another alien when it comes to feeling things that most people won’t notice. Isn’t that the dream come true for the one blogger that does everything by the book. πŸ˜‰

The not so funny thing is, in these dreams I just ‘forget’ about him using pot. The day after the last long visit a friend and I stopped at his store to drop of a leaflet. Walking into that store with somebody from my daily life made me realise IMMEDIATELY that the store man has this fog around his head. I had forgotten about that. I had seen it the first moment I saw him but obviously something in his appearance had attracted more attention.

So there are all kinds of mechanisms going on here. I thought I was pretty safe from falling in love because I did not immediately feel physically attracted to him which is my normal route. So I thought I would be charmed but not fall in love. Until he said he had a girlfriend and I suddenly did feel like I lost. Isn’t that strange. Not only the moment, but that could just be a moment of confrontation. But the feeling that I lost. Not the feeling that I lost a person, not the feeling that what we had up to that moment would have been out of reach because it is not, not the feeling of loosing a love but the feeling of having lost in this world again. Having lost what is good and enlightens me, brings me life. And then there is that word ‘again’ that already surprised me in a former blogpost.

I feel like I’m part of this tribe and everybody has got their own fire with people around them and their own families and I don’t. I don’t feel unwelcome at the other fires and I am happy with my own fire even though, now I look at it is not burning proud but smoldering with an occasional flame while I look around me feeling sad for what I am missing out of. While on the other hand I can not stand the giving in part that I would need to do to be able to last longer at a fire like that for 3 days. Relations for me equal a prison, the tying up and the torture starts slowly and mostly unseen but will definitely come. And with every man I in my life I thought it was different this time.

Sstore man said out of the blue one day: ‘Because you think in duality you will meet men who live in duality. Only when you yourself change the world around you will change.’

He doesn’t speak a lot of judgements because he mentioned something like ‘focussing positive energy on something is a better idea’. I do get the concept but I do not fully live in that (yet?) Not when things get unclear or I get emotional :-D. What he meant to say is that I have a very black and white view of male-female relations where the man is evil and takes the woman is angelic and has to give. And that it is no wonder that I keep meeting people that live in that same thought if I keep on living in that same thought. My therapist (hi!) has warned me for that too, in other words. And I have experienced it myself that when I get more positive in general I meet nicer people like the sauna man I wrote about. And the three guys at the party that enjoyed ‘stepping down’ from their career in order to spend more time with their kids and give their wife the opportunity to fly. So I am guessing it is true. And while I am writing this message appears on my facebook wall from the store man. Not specifically for me I am guessing.

“If there are whole parts of yourself that you are always running from, that you even feel justified in running from, then you’re going to run from anything that brings you into contact with your feelings of insecurity. And have you noticed how often these parts of ourselves get touched? The closer you get to a situation or a person, the more these feelings arise. Often when you’re in a relationship it starts off great, but when it gets intimate and begins to bring out your neurosis, you just want to get out of there. So I’m here to tell you that the path to peace is right there, when you want to get away.”

Figured that one out before when it was about getting sober: the growth is where the funnyΒ  things are. So this. And here. Where it hurts.

And it suddenly pops I guess that is what I misunderstood: the difference between universal and personal love. Or I am being played with tremendously here and all these Facebook messages on subjects we spoke about are not for me. That would be another fear. πŸ™‚

I need to go out now the weather is still fine, and having written this down I now feel good enough to be able to go out. This subject is not finished yet but I want to push the publish button – somehow that helps getting things of my chest. So there are still a few pieces of unruly text:

UNSORTED PARAGRAPHS

I have an issue with men. Did I tell you that if I list the names of my last three persons of interest in a row you get: liver quick damage. That is the funny thing in The Netherlands, people have strange names. I guess the universe is leaving a message…. Pffff, how could I not see before? Just not sure how to read it. Don’t want to accept the not now sign in it. πŸ˜€ But I’m guessing unless I do I will be finding trouble.

On loss and pain: I feel ridiculous. Also because I had strung up hopes on being offered and entry to a job this week which did not happen, well sort of did but at that time I found out that the person that did that had not paid a bill of mine that he said he did. So how is that for trust?

I don’t want to twist and turn to hold on to things and people – and then when I get close I suddenly feel like something good is passing me by and I want to hold on so badly that I squeeze it to death. Funny thing is, when he was a store man with whom beautiful conversations took place – everything was ok. I could see that he smoked pot, leave it with him and continue my life. Now he uses the G word (girlfriend) I feel like I lose :-(. And then I put having and holding into the mix and everything turned upside down.

Today I’ll stick to this one:

Thank you for reading. I am guessing the work has started for me too.

Happy-ish that I quit. I want life to be simple. Guess I should go do stuff that I like then and not worry or wallow in hurt but work out where the learning is.

I want: the store man to call me that he will be quitting his pot and leaving his girlfriend and he will adore me for the rest of my life and we will live happily ever after.

I need: to get a grip. Pffffff, suffocating dreams. I don’t even like people who adore. Not sure how to get a grip yet but I’ll work it out. Not now, now I want to walk, do stuff.

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20 thoughts on “Why falling in love is not a good idea

  1. You know, when my boyfriend of 5 and a half years left me I thought my whole world had caved in. What I’ve learnt through being sober is your body aches for this loss and you feel like you’re missing something so you go searching for that “one” to replace that missing feeling. What I’ve also learnt is that you’re simply not ready. You go through this huge rushes of emotion that you’ve been numbing for such a long time that you physically don’t have enough energy to focus on another person. Right now, there’s a plan for you and there’s a plan for the person you’ll end up with but right now, at this moment in time, you’re focusing on number one πŸ™‚

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  2. You are really doing great stuff here…thank you for sharing, I really feel I can relate a bit. Since I decided to try to live a sober life, my thoughts centered a lot around ‘how in the world will I find my partner in life NOW?!’…now, that feels so silly to me that I thought that. I don’t have 5 consecutive months like you, but not my thoughts have changed…I’m learning to be ok by myself and learning to love me. I went to workout today and I thought, ‘I kind of like being alone, I’m enjoying this time alone with ME’…life is so full of learning experiences. Maybe bookstore man is not meant to be the partner for you, but a good friend to learn from. It sounds like that is exactly what you are doing. xo hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you M. I am learning a lot. I have not been interested in man for about 5 years because I am fine on my own. No problem. Also I thought that if I don’t change I am going to run into the same assholes that I have been dating and in relation with in the past 30 years And now, because I have changed, suddenly the man I meet are different and pfffff, overwhelming.
      On the topic ‘how will I find my partner now’; I have thought about that too and to me it seems that should be someone that accepts – at all times- that I do not drink. Not like my last boyfriend who was ok with it up to the moment that he needed a drink and then put pressure on me to drink too. 😦 Well, as with drinks, so with boyfriends: make good choices. πŸ™‚
      The bookstore man would be a good friend. I need some cooling down before I can enjoy that again.
      Thank you for your comment M.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

      • It sounds like you are moons ahead of me on the man front, I mean as far as taking your time to yourself….I need to do that and now is my time I guess. You are taking good care of yourself and I am sure good things are coming……xo

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Feeling. Ive said this before. You are worth more and deserve more than the bong sucking douche that is book store man. And he only just – only just now! – mentions he has a gf?! I know it is hard. I know he seems dreamy in your dreams. You deserve sobriety. You deserve someone who doesnt use. You deserve someone who is genuine, like you. If you can be patient, amazing things will happen. I promise. X

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Im gonna suggest this cheesy self help book I read, called ‘From heart break to heart’s desire’ by Dawn Masler. It really helped me to see my pattern with picking men. Ive totally ignored the sage advice of course but I think you may enjoy the book.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Feeling I am so with you! I feel you on the everyone has their own families. Just this weekend I asked a girlfriend to get together and her response was “Oh well I’ve got the kids and their stuff.” ….um, you have them everyday you can carve out like two or three hours to see an old friend?
    I also am comfortable being alone but for me (maybe you?) it’s more of a defense mechanism: if I’m alone no guy can hurt me. Healthier than destructive relationships but still not healthy. At least for me. We all need companionship!
    Xo,
    Mandy

    Liked by 1 person

    • I guess this is the price I am paying for having been drinking during the time that other people grow families. I’ve never wanted kids for several reasons, one being that I knew I needed to quit before I got them otherwise I would get out of hand if I had them and I would never have wanted that. So, that is the price I pay now. Which is just, but hard. Sore.

      Like

  6. Pingback: Life is simple… | the road to winter

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