I have been (not) dealing with lower back pain combined with pain in the left kidney area. I wondered / I guess it has to do with being seated to much and underdeveloped abs. On top of that I keep on running into this message that being seated all day kills you sooner than being obese. So I moved my computer to my standing table. And now I stand and type. Ha! I don’t think it will take long until it makes me decide to go do something useful with my life :-). And my posts will get shorter :-D.
The cat does not like it. She is always worried when I do something drastic. She sits in the corner looking at me and accusing me of doing things other than I always do. 🙂
What I wanted to note down for my blog is the following experience. When standing on two feet I get the impression that my left leg is way shorter than my right. I noticed this before, at age 30 something but now it comes back. Actually since I got sober I get this feeling so now and then. It feels really uncomfortable. Also, when I place my feet together more, at a 25 cm distance I start to feel really uncomfortable because it stretches some muscles or ligaments that are stiff. Yes, I have not been doing a lot of physical stuff over the last 3 years. For those of you that do yoga and can place their feet together for the sun salutation: that is almost impossible with my full inner thighs. I need to lift my tailbone in order to make room for everything, arching my back.* Now standing with a 0,5cm high book underneath my left leg. That seems to balance it out.
So when consciously standing behind the table I noticed the supposed difference in leg length and put a 1,5cm book (what else?) under my left foot and tried to stand straight up (tummy in, tailbone under). This caused disorientation, panick and heavy breathing and a shitload of tension in my loins and in. Strange. Guess there are some blocks there. Well, standing here and doing what I normally do, but standing, will give me plenty of opportunity to look into that.
And by now I am starting to think I am overly cautious with my life. A bit of a sissy. It bugs me. And it feels like I am not moving forward but that is not so. Every day I learn shitloads. But maybe I am not learning what I should be learning. No, that is not true. By now there is something developing as a sense for movement. A want to move. A natural want to move and move on. Travel to other pastures. That is good. Hmmm, here I guess it would have helped me when I would have been in a group therapy with others. So I could pull myself up by the speed of others. I noticed that I learn best from being around people that do and radiate what I need. So I need to be around working people more. Catch the vibe. Playfully moving into another mode, as life does and I guess is supposed to do. I feel apprehension. Not going to look at that.
I looked up learning to walk on YouTube. Love this vid. Love the place they made for the kid. DISLIKE the awful toys they have given him. I call it toys that will come to stimulate the addict in the child. Bright colours, funny noises when you push buttons – it is like tv, it gives temporary joy. It has nothing to do with developing skills and real experience or the natural exploration of the territory. I can ramble on about that for hours. Not going to. 🙂
Note on the kidneys: I woke up last night being absolutely thirsty and drank 3 glasses of water. Kidney pain was only minimal – so I do need to get more water in me. Maybe water really is something different from herb tea. Sigh, another one of those signs that I should go back to basic in my diet. Don’t want that. 😦 Can’t handle, giving up booze was a good thing but the energy of ‘quitting’ is depleted for a while now. I’ve put it all in quitting. So if I want to quit doing more I need to restock on quitting vibes. Not sure how to do that. I am guessing my body will force me like it does with my kidneys. Damn thing about learning experiences: can’t choose only the nice ones. Pffff, and I know that in the end working through the nasty ones will pay off in extra happiness but JEEEEEEZ! Is there no end to this? With the answer: Don’t wish too hard, it might come true. And ‘Live without growth is death.’ Not ready for that yet.
*Note to self: This explains a lot about the way elderly overweight women in my hometown walk; like a duck, chest forward, back arched, buttocks out, heavy thighs, looking like a warhorse, feet pointing outward. I am guessing I have become one of them.
See, shorter post :-D.