These are funny times. Feeling wise I have been on a totally different track since I met the store man. Yes, still having fantasies of the promised land but I don’t want to follow up on them anymore. Aah, stop lying. Yes I do. Therapy time.
What I want to note down for my blog is that I have been having back aches for over a year now and I think it concerns my kidneys. I had urine tests and there seems to be nothing wrong with them but they still hurt – only at night – and are part of the reason I do not sleep well. On top of that I have a lower back pain in my spine below that triangle bone that brings tears to my eyes and it also pops up at night and wakes me up.
Funny thing is that I never, with my conscious mind thought about this and it has been over a year and I never sat down to give it a thought. I panicked about it, I kept it in the back of my mind when thinking about quitting drinking, I guess I told the GP1 and 2. I sure did tell GP3 about the kidneys. But not about the back pain. I am guessing that there is only so much worry that can fit into my conscious mind. Or denial has become an inbred thing.
More denial? I need to have my breast checked for cancer. Due to my background I am supposed to go every year. After a plastic piece of the machine literally broke on my chest while it was trying to get a detail photo I fell apart inside. The pain, the absurdity of a machine breaking on my chest – would not happen now, due to the not drinking beer they have dropped 5cm!!! by now and gone all wobbly and saggy. 🙂 Beer contains hop (the bitter stuff that stops the alcohol making process) and that contains phyto-estrogens (and they keep them firm and looking at the sky.
I don’t want to return. That is 5 years ago now, I am thinking. I do not dare to go because only the research already is a I guess 80% chance of falling back into my old behaviour. Well, it has come down from 100% to 80, so that is good.
Anything else I am not telling? My eyes have gone bad, I guess it is also due to sleeplessness and too much screen work. My pupils are not in the middle of my iris anymore. I figured that is because of the watching a screen for a long long time.
I did do the 5 year cervix cancer test but that is because I know there’s nothing wrong there. 😀 Yes, denial still works in me as an independent entity.
I had written a request here for any comment to be ‘not pushy’ because this freaks me out. Funny request. Not polite and funny. It looks like denial and not dealing. It is funny because it feels the same as I used to feel about drinking. Shame, anger, ‘don’t you interfere with me!’ approach. Please do interfere with me so I can see what it brings. 🙂
Did you in your early sobriety notice these funny things like I did, blogging on EVERY LITTLE DETAIL and ‘forgetting’ the big things and the big picture? I am guessing this is a new, dunno, situation. Maybe because I have, in my mind, been able to hide this from me because there is nobody intimate. Now there was a hint of intimacy I start to clean the house (NEW) and worry about bigger things because I start looking through somebody elses eyes at me.
Need to run, breakfast in town is waiting.
feelingmywaybackintolife 
I think the feelings of apprehension you have about medical appointments are natural! No one wants a mammogram ( especially if you have had one bad experience) no one wants to know that there might be something wrong – cancer – lets say it out loud! So I won’t be pushy but I will say if you feel strong enough go get yourself checked out. Back pain could be a multitude of things. I dare say the drink covered up a lot of aches and pains. But you have had kidney function tests and they are ok so get yourself back to the GP and explain your symptoms. I should get your eyes tested too but I think you know all this. Fear of the unknown can be more destructive than the truth. I too put off medical appointments – I will be alright – and yes maybe I am, but unless I find out I will never know. Enjoy your day. 😊
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Thank you. Crying now. This is what my mom would have said. Seeing GP3 on Tuesday. I should tell her yes and tell her of my apprehension and see where it goes from there. Hmm, I feel like I can sleep now.
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I am sorry if i made you cry 😔 but glad you are seeing the doctor and you feel you can sleep. You know the human body is a great thing, i had liver and kidney function tests and was shitting myself they would say i had done all sorts of damage over the years of drinking and drugs that i had used. Know what? all came back normal! I was amazed. The body can repair itself given time. Just remember the doctor can only deal with what you them them. They cant read minds so as hard as it can be say i have been ?? Days sober i am experiencing this this and this…. Is there anything you can do to help me. I think worry is normal anxitity is normal, look forward to reading how you were worrying over nothing and it gets sorted! ((Hugs))
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Oooh! Sorry: it was a good cry!
Yes, I should just talk with my GP, she’ll understand. I’m worrying too much. My bloodwork was all ok, my urine sample was ok. This worrying and suspecting the worse – that is also related to an addictive personality. I keep on forgetting that.
Thank you for your nice reply and turning on my logical thinking again. 🙂
xx, Feeling
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You are healing feeling (that rhymes!) that starts on the inside and radiates outwards so not surprised that you have been not noticing the bigger things. It will come with time xx
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Yes, I guess it will come with time. It is all wonderful and sometimes really strange, like this post today. It is scary somehow but I don’t want to go to the part where it is scary. No use in worrying.
xx, Feeling
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Sorry to hear about your back pain. I know how painful kidney pain can be if it is in fact, kidneys. Do you drink enough water? Mine will throb if I start slacking on my H2o consuption. Breaking a medical device on your breasts sounds a bit superhero-ish, and you should be proud 🙂 sorry to joke, im sure it was quite embarrassing. I broke a pair of tooth forceps on one of my teeth the dentist was trying to pull. I damn near swallowed the chunk of metal pliar. Not so much embarrassing as a question of “was he pulling the right tooth?!”
I hate doctor visits and I will put it off until I have four flat tires. 🙂 hope you get some back relief soon!
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Hey Dustin, ghegheghe, my boyfriend at the time called me Barbarella…
But yes, I was not amused. It was awfull.
My H2o is ok and I guess I need to do situps for my backpain. But the funny thing is is that all of this has never really been in the front of my brain – I am guessing because there was so much else in the front of my brain. Strange, strange, strange. Let’s see.
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My humor often blows up in my face or has bad timing. 😖 I bet it was not a fun thing to have happen to you. Thats good you drink enough water. Im not a big fan of water but I drink it to stay alive i guess. I hope the situps help but dont put the health issues off for too long. I tend to ignore mine in the past thinking they will go away. Now that im getting older I can see how wrong I was.
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Not to worry, I love inappropriate humor and timing that is off – so much more human. 😀
I haven’t done the situps but I moved my computer to a table that is high so I stand half of the day now – tailbone under and tummy in. And that works FANTASTIC – well, at least for 1 night now :-). Combined with the water drinking I did not wake up from any back pains.
And I am finding that drinking water is different from drinking herb tea. I would never have thought so. And I dislike it because no caffeine, no black or green tea, no cigarets, no alcohol, no other drugs, low on sugar – it is getting a little plain here. And I have not found that mindfullness approach.
On the general health issues: I know I need to take care, but I can only take care in the speed that I am doing this. I will keep blogging to keep myself aware of what is going on. Guessing I need that. :-). Difficult as it may be currently to be fully part of the blogosphere with bloggind and also reading the post (of people that are falling of the track.) Aah, this gets to me. Did you read Brad on ‘The story of my life’ the last days?
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My advice. Call your doctor. Write a list. Bring it.
Fear causes us to procrastinate or live in denial, but it hurts us.
If something is wrong you will deal with it. Pretending it is fine does not make it fine.
I have lots of aches and pains. Still liverish pain, back pain. My dr says i am healthy, so some of these are just age i guess.
You can do it. And when you are done this will be a big relief.
Hug
Anne
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Thank you Ann, I’m going tomorrow. And I still have liver pain sometimes too. I find that strange. Not sure what causes it / caused it. Well obviously it was alcohol but is it an infection? Or?? Would you know?
xx, Feeling
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Interesting. My dr insists the liver does not cause pain. I hsve had ultasounds, etc. nothing.
He thinks it is a duodenal ulcer. I think itbis ovarian cysts. Neither are going to kill me. So i just ignore it mostly.
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