These are funny times. Feeling wise I have been on a totally different track since I met the store man. Yes, still having fantasies of the promised land but I don’t want to follow up on them anymore. Aah, stop lying. Yes I do. Therapy time.
What I want to note down for my blog is that I have been having back aches for over a year now and I think it concerns my kidneys. I had urine tests and there seems to be nothing wrong with them but they still hurt – only at night – and are part of the reason I do not sleep well. On top of that I have a lower back pain in my spine below that triangle bone that brings tears to my eyes and it also pops up at night and wakes me up.
Funny thing is that I never, with my conscious mind thought about this and it has been over a year and I never sat down to give it a thought. I panicked about it, I kept it in the back of my mind when thinking about quitting drinking, I guess I told the GP1 and 2. I sure did tell GP3 about the kidneys. But not about the back pain. I am guessing that there is only so much worry that can fit into my conscious mind. Or denial has become an inbred thing.
More denial? I need to have my breast checked for cancer. Due to my background I am supposed to go every year. After a plastic piece of the machine literally broke on my chest while it was trying to get a detail photo I fell apart inside. The pain, the absurdity of a machine breaking on my chest – would not happen now, due to the not drinking beer they have dropped 5cm!!! by now and gone all wobbly and saggy. 🙂 Beer contains hop (the bitter stuff that stops the alcohol making process) and that contains phyto-estrogens (and they keep them firm and looking at the sky.
I don’t want to return. That is 5 years ago now, I am thinking. I do not dare to go because only the research already is a I guess 80% chance of falling back into my old behaviour. Well, it has come down from 100% to 80, so that is good.
Anything else I am not telling? My eyes have gone bad, I guess it is also due to sleeplessness and too much screen work. My pupils are not in the middle of my iris anymore. I figured that is because of the watching a screen for a long long time.
I did do the 5 year cervix cancer test but that is because I know there’s nothing wrong there. 😀 Yes, denial still works in me as an independent entity.
I had written a request here for any comment to be ‘not pushy’ because this freaks me out. Funny request. Not polite and funny. It looks like denial and not dealing. It is funny because it feels the same as I used to feel about drinking. Shame, anger, ‘don’t you interfere with me!’ approach. Please do interfere with me so I can see what it brings. 🙂
Did you in your early sobriety notice these funny things like I did, blogging on EVERY LITTLE DETAIL and ‘forgetting’ the big things and the big picture? I am guessing this is a new, dunno, situation. Maybe because I have, in my mind, been able to hide this from me because there is nobody intimate. Now there was a hint of intimacy I start to clean the house (NEW) and worry about bigger things because I start looking through somebody elses eyes at me.
Need to run, breakfast in town is waiting.