A new outlook on a love life feels like addiction

It does. And in that way it is interesting to feel what it happening now I am on the verge of falling in love. It is also sickening because I brainwashed myself to connect longing to nausea. Well, that works. :-/ And no, it will not be a good idea to undo that conditioning.

Trying to fight biology with reason here. That is difficult. I guess now I am really experiencing my first cravings. Not so much for the sexual part obviously, that would be prepre-premature. More for a longing for belonging. Not having to do everything alone – which I don’t have to, it’s just that I can not get to the point where I can depend on people. That creates loneliness in me. And in reply to that there is this voice saying: ‘Better than having your heart being stepped on again.’ Guess there is some work to do there. :-/

The inner voice says: It is too early. It is not good.

And rereading what I wrote I realised that I think I can trust people (well, men) when I have sex with them. I’ll get to that when it is time for my trust issue.

I am having difficulty reading sober blogs because people seem to keep falling of the grid. It hurts. And I have difficulty reading the despair. So I have unfollowed people. Sorry. I just can not be reminded time and time again of how bad it was. I need to extend my sober basis and currently that is by following sober examples – getting the feel of how it is done. Living. Coping. When you are in the category of being unfollowed and still reading this. Sorry. I am feeling that I let you down, burning my path clear of any obstacles no matter the costs. But I guess that is how I feel about not drinking: I am in survival mode. I have only one chance to get myself back on track. My pink clouds have carried me a long while, from what I read I think to understand they are not as pink or not as cloudy when one tries a second time. Money on the bank is not forever. Years ago I have been house-less for 7 months – that really made my addiction kick-in. Can’t deal with that again. There is urgency so there must be vigilance.

So I guess I need to cut off the bookman too. And again I need to be reborn and fight my way out of this longing for belonging experience. Sad now. Fucking hell I screwed up so much opportunities in life over this fucking addiction. AAAAAARGHHH!!!!! Frustrated.

Bed time. No good can come from this. Here is a piece of the bookman his favorite music that happens to be mine too. Moments in love. How applicable. It is beautiful. The beginning of the vid is a little tacky but the rest is beautiful to listen and watch. 🙂

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10 thoughts on “A new outlook on a love life feels like addiction

    • I know, I need to be selfish. And funny enough this means letting go of something that looks good at first sight. :-/

      Damn this is difficult. I feel I ‘am entiteled to a reward’, ‘have done so well, am allowed to take my mind off’, ‘we can get back into life together’. Which is EXACTLY what the addict within says when it comes to alcohol. These machinations are incredible.

      Thank you for the reminder and the way to read the signs of people disappearing. It is (not) funny how quickly being ‘occupied elsewhere’ takes me of my path.

      Thanks Anne,

      xx, Feeling.

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    • Thank you Lou. I’m not so much looking because it is not time yet. But in this sobriety there are suddenly men popping up that ARE nice and spiritually developed AND available – and have a problem that will kill me, ok, bummer, yeah. 😦

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  1. Im on another blogging site where people commit to three or twelve month periods alcohol free in an effort to change their relationship with alcohol. I feel the exact same as you habe described, because the site is filled with people not making it, people falling and failing themselves. It is all quite depressing and disappointing really. But that is their journey.
    Dont apologise for unfollowing, this is your journey.

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    • That is another way of looking at it that I have not considered yet. I would not say that I feel ‘disappointment’ in people, it is just too hard, I guess to project my imagined suffering on those that fall of the wagon or of the grid. Having said that, I have had some signs and experiences since that I really am having it easy when it comes to dealing with cravings or urges. I have other issues. Like cleaning the 2nd drawer in the kitchen, finding a job, doing admin, stabelizing in my moods, forgiving myself, dealing with trauma, resentment and anger, socialising. Hmmm. Gonna stop there. Let’s say that I don’t have to be bored the next 5 to 10 years :-D.
      On again with finding out what is good for me. Making good choices.
      Thank you!
      xx, Feeling

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    • Gheghegheghe…. I have not heard that joke on smart phone’s before. 🙂 Liking it.
      If I seem illiterate (I copied that from you 🙂 ) it is because English is my second language. :-D. I sometimes worry if people might think I’m drunk or so with all the spelling mistakes I make. :-s

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