It does. And in that way it is interesting to feel what it happening now I am on the verge of falling in love. It is also sickening because I brainwashed myself to connect longing to nausea. Well, that works. And no, it will not be a good idea to undo that conditioning.
Trying to fight biology with reason here. That is difficult. I guess now I am really experiencing my first cravings. Not so much for the sexual part obviously, that would be prepre-premature. More for a longing for belonging. Not having to do everything alone – which I don’t have to, it’s just that I can not get to the point where I can depend on people. That creates loneliness in me. And in reply to that there is this voice saying: ‘Better than having your heart being stepped on again.’ Guess there is some work to do there.
The inner voice says: It is too early. It is not good.
And rereading what I wrote I realised that I think I can trust people (well, men) when I have sex with them. I’ll get to that when it is time for my trust issue.
I am having difficulty reading sober blogs because people seem to keep falling of the grid. It hurts. And I have difficulty reading the despair. So I have unfollowed people. Sorry. I just can not be reminded time and time again of how bad it was. I need to extend my sober basis and currently that is by following sober examples – getting the feel of how it is done. Living. Coping. When you are in the category of being unfollowed and still reading this. Sorry. I am feeling that I let you down, burning my path clear of any obstacles no matter the costs. But I guess that is how I feel about not drinking: I am in survival mode. I have only one chance to get myself back on track. My pink clouds have carried me a long while, from what I read I think to understand they are not as pink or not as cloudy when one tries a second time. Money on the bank is not forever. Years ago I have been house-less for 7 months – that really made my addiction kick-in. Can’t deal with that again. There is urgency so there must be vigilance.
So I guess I need to cut off the bookman too. And again I need to be reborn and fight my way out of this longing for belonging experience. Sad now. Fucking hell I screwed up so much opportunities in life over this fucking addiction. AAAAAARGHHH!!!!! Frustrated.
Bed time. No good can come from this. Here is a piece of the bookman his favorite music that happens to be mine too. Moments in love. How applicable. It is beautiful. The beginning of the vid is a little tacky but the rest is beautiful to listen and watch. 🙂