The bad AND the good.

Sad today. Sad, frustrated and ashamed about me being angry, well, it seems almost all the  time. I don’t know, anger is just overwhelmingly big right now. Christmas time. Thinking about Christmases past with both parents drinking and continuously bickering, arguing, fighting. My mother used to get uptight already 2 weeks before Christmas and the tension in the only eased when the tree was broken down. It was my birthday in between. I always felt that everybody thought is was very inconveniently planned. All along everybody tried to play happy family. Sometimes we were.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I carry a lot of anger in me. In comments here people have called me ‘honest’ and ‘courageous’.  Today I translated that to ‘too angry to be polite’ and ‘too angry to pay attention to the damage I could do to myself’.  Can’t take a compliment. Next I figured out that I can’t take a compliment. Still put sadness between me and all that is good. It has something to do with that middle place I can not find yet: there were everything just IS. And not the bottom where everything is horrible, or the top, where everything is fantastic. I think it is a very addictive things to look for those extremes. I actually find that I internally guid myself towards either of them. Only dead fish go with the flow. That actually has been my motto for a silly 20 years or so. By now I wish I still remembered how to go with the flow. 🙂 Ghegheghe… and then I hear the trees in the park speak to each other ‘Humans, and all their opinions…. what a waste…’

About anger: I need to learn to recognise it now I am soberish. No not drinking, but I feel like the mood swings I make are still after effects of the addiction. Unresolved issues that burst through the surface. I noticed I wanted to hang on to the bad feeling of Christmas and forget the good things. I guess, a few days after, I might as well make the good list.

– My mother was the best Christmas tree decorator I know. Well, apart from the professional ones that  have loads of money and do trees at Harrods or so. She could hang everything so that the whole tree was balanced beautifully. Later, when she herself was very ill she did not want a tree in the house anymore ‘I don’t want a dying tree in my house.’ I can’t actually remember if she did buy a fake one. But, I was trying to look a the good things.

– We played a lot of bord games, that was fun.

– My mother had a few very nice Christmas records and cd’s that we played ever so now and then.

– The fire would be burning in the wood stove and the underfloor would be heated so the whole living part of the house was nice and warm and cosy.

– There would be cats around, that would sometimes cost a few baubles but that was ok.

– We would go out for a walk after dinner or in the morning and the fields would be all dark and cold.

– We never did the presents on Christmas, my parents said it was the celebration of light in the world, not the celebration of commerce. 🙂 Yeah, I can hear you thinking: the apple did not fall far from the tree… Extreme opinions running in the family? Check! Well, we have Santa Claus at the 5th of December, in the Netherlands he is the guy that brings the presents.

– My mother had these beautiful candle holders from iittala named Nappi. Not sure if they are still on the market but they cast this beautiful light shadow. The shadow would move with the movements of the flame. I bought some for myself when I left the house. They were at the table. I would sit with my back to the stove and my front to the candle and look at the lights.

– I would bring chocolates from the finest chocolate maker in our capital. These were a true treat and a happy together moment.

Moods, mood swings, I am noticing that not only the thinking about alcohol is something that can be adjusted from ‘Yessssss!!!’ to a more healthy ‘No thank you.’ But it also looks like the moods I am in are partially supported by myself. It is not only hormones of any kind playing up, it is also me with a whole series of thoughts that support it. In the movie What the bleep do we know scientists explain how we get addicted to our emotions by training our cells to receive certain chemicals that change the state of the cell to happy or sad or whatever. One person says: ‘If you cannot stop certain feelings, you must be addicted to it.’ I am starting to get really interested in that thought.

Guess I had a roller coaster day too because I did stuff. I woke up pretty clear-headed because I had slept well and started to plan my day. Immediately 10.001 thoughts crossed my mind and I ended up doing everything half or only starting and not even continuing. That is the state of my brain these days. I have tried to re-write my CV and write a letter of application. It’s difficult. I feel bad about myself, specifically when writing my CV. I have so much experience, am superbly skilled in so many fields. The only (?) think I fail in is getting my shit together, finding out what really makes my heart sing and last but not least dealing with the nasty people I meet along the way. Like these ex-colleges saying at my first day at the job: ‘It took us three months to pester your predecessors out of here. That will work with you too.’ Or this new boss: ‘I am ok with girls going to college, university, no problem. But I do not understand why they actually have to get a job. If it were my choice you would not be here. Let’s see how long you last.’

I guess the universe is trying to tell me something. 🙂 Unfortunately I still do not know what. I used to believe in ‘The path is the destination.’ Now I look back on my path through my CV and I see unfinished schools mixed with schools where I was in the top 3 of the class. I see a job at a HQ of an international company where I get an ‘Excels’ as a rating. That happens to 2% of the company on a yearly basis. And then the shitty people turn up. Guess I am somebody that lives and breathes extremes. I don’t want that anymore. Quitting alcohol was a good idea. Now I need to deal with the addiction.

Happy that I quit. Though these days it is suddenly getting difficult. Not sure if it connected to the higher sugar intake or to being confronted to my working history. Doesn’t really matter: the solution is less sugar and do the stuff I need to do.

In the new category ‘what I want?’ I want somebody to take care of me :-). Well, that is not going to happen. And if it did I would chuck them out because I don’t want to be dependent on somebody…. 😦 Need trust for that. Trust is in short supply.

What do I need? I need to take better care of myself and I don’t do it because I am tired of being me. So I think I don’t deserve to take care of me. That it’s all a waste anyway. Well, nothing that comes easy is worth having. And pain is a growing opportunity that has not been fulfilled. And going to bed at a normal time has always been a good idea. The cat came to get me an hour ago. 🙂 I actually have a cat that takes care of me.