4 Months – 2Kg – 750 Euro

4 Months sober? Did I ever think I would make that? Yes, I guess I did. Or maybe I should rephrase that in: I had to believe I was able to do it otherwise I knew I would fail and then I worked to make it possible.

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– Cutting down on the beta blockers is going ok-ish. I am still at stage 1 where I do 2 * 50mg instead of 1 * 50. It seems the same but the blood level of the active stuff now only rises to 25 and then slowly falls down to zero. While before there was a peak of 50. That is different. In order to feel good I have to go out and move for at least an hour a day and that is working. And… NEW: I even do that when I do not feel like it.  🙂

I have to make sure that I do not drink licorice tea or something with caffeine. However, I am guessing that a little high blood pressure and a real body is better than a low blood pressure and a body that I do not understand and can abuse because the results of any abuse are covered up by the beta blocker. My plan (don’t even dare to use that word here anymore) is to quit the beta blockers, do a detox and go on a diet and loose weight. I believe 5% weight loss results in 10 points blood pressure or so. Or maybe different but there are large blood pressure results to be gotten on weight loss.

– Losing water weight currently, I guess it is due to cutting down the beta blockers. It says so on the enclosed leaflet that retaining water is a side effect. Which…. in itself is really funny because retaining water is a CAUSE of high blood pressure as well. Well, kidneys not functioning and then retaining water is.

– I do have a back pain that keeps me awake at night. Not sure what it is. First I thought it were my kidneys but they were tested and ok. It used to be only there when I slept for more than 8 hours. Now it is there constantly when I am laying down and during the day. When I go walking out during the day I pay extra attention to pulling in my abs and that works. So I am guessing the back pain is caused by bad posture and sitting all day. I should (there is the S-word again) train my abs. See if the pain goes away.

On pain: I am beginning to think I have a very low pain threshold. I once read something about that in connection to alcohol but I forgot how it worked. I guess it worked like taking pain killers and then quitting: anything you feel then will hurt badly. I wonder when this will change back to ‘normal’.

– Now that I am outside more I a sleep better when/if I sleep. Sleep is very important to me in order to deal with stuff. I only really sleep once in a month or so and when I wake up I am sky-high over all the energy I have. 🙂 I am working on how to arrange my life so that I will be sleeping better but I am still not making the choices to support that. Still watching loads of tv for instance and going to bed late at night and waking up halfway through the day. I don’t know why I do that. I feel it is a substitute addiction. I feel I still don’t want to be really present in this life.  Working on it in the steps that I can take like cutting down on the beta blockers – who influence sleep patterns as well :-(. I am guessing that 30 years of hiding in booze and 4 years in beta blockers don’t go away with 4 months of sobriety. In the homeopathy they say to that 1 year of sickness needs at least 1 month of repair.

– I have binged on chocolate lately. Binging defines as: eating at least 100 grams of dark chocolate a day. I guess I am slacking in taking good care of me because I am not afraid I will be loosing my sobriety over it. Also: I have not found other things that please me as a reward. I am guessing the only way to go is the way of the monk and NOT demand a reward for every tiny little thing. Yes, I should (s-word) be more mindful of what I am doing. But getting tired of that sometimes.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I still don’t do anything. It looks like my initiative is broken. I am already Very Proud if I go out for a walk on a day that I don’t feel like it. I am still trying to feel my way through it. It feels like my initiative is depleted. If there is such a thing. I guess this is the price to pay for not taking care of me and now I have to make sure I get it back somehow. I feel it is connected  to me having worked too hard for way too long; 12 hours a day 6-7 days a week and then drinking to flush the stress away. I also think it is connected to me not doing the full circle of life in anything that I do: I used to be very good at starting things (being born) but maintenance or letting go (living and dying) are not in my repertoire. I guess that somehow screws up the energy flows that are supposed to be. And I don’t know nothing about letting go so I guess this is going to be interesting. I quit drinking but that feels different from letting go. Or maybe…. I don’t know how letting go should feel and I project all kinds of difficulties on it while it is actually the same as quitting drinking: crying, saying goodbye, realising how bad it is and feeling my way into a new, sober world. With saying: I do not have the skills to maintain or let go I do the same as with thinking I could not stop with drinking: I block myself even to think or feel about it. Hmmmm, there’s a thought.

– I am still working on recognising how I use the word ‘should’ – the S-word, to arrange my life. Not going fast in that, really slowly. Every discovery feels overwhelming, the things I do to myself with using that word. Nasty. It blocks energy in a bad way. I notice I want to look away from this issue. I guess I will stay with the noticing what I want to do with it.

– On aggression; on aggression there are a few things. One of them is that I find (haha, you would have noticed) that it is there (here!!!!) and that it pops up without me noticing. I have had a few flame reactions this last month and I never saw them coming because how I perceive my anger has changed. It scares me that I can be so destructive. I have a whole post here on an imagined conversation with my mother on things that I am very angry about and I do not dare to publish it. What scares me most is  that every day I think I am genuinely me, but the day after I noticed that the aggression I carry is still alcohol fueled or fueled by not being sober long enough and not having the rest that comes with it. Looking back in my blog line I see a lot of anger that now feels differently. Looking around at other sober blog posts I get the feeling that outbursts of anger are part of sobering up. I get called out of my cave over what I perceive as dishonest or unfair. And of course my megalomaniac thinking spurs me to speak up. I am starting to see the link with projecting things and anger. I force myself to be fair, I can’t stand it if my nephew of 10 is unfair about something and I will come down on him like an avalanche when he is. 😦 Sorry, sorry, sorry nephew, world. 😦 Working on it. The error is in thinking I have the right or need to say something. Aaaah, and because I am overwhelmed by the ‘error’ of the other I justify lashing out because the other hurt me first. Hmmm. Food for thought. Standing by and not commenting looks like approval – I don’t want to go their either. Or would I be using that as an excuse to lash out. Not sure. It needs addressing. (Trying very hard not to use the S-word here – it is not working. SO MUCH TO DO!)

– On liking me: sometimes I like myself and like the feeling within me where I think I reside. I am starting to really like people sometimes and not worry about their flaws. Yes, sorry, sorry, ‘really like people’ sounds awful but well, I am saying it like it is. I had/have difficulty with that. And, in my arrogance I think a lot of people have that but do not want to recognise it. Saying it like it is sometimes helps others. I have had 3 moms admitting to me that they have been so depressed that they hated their babies and really felt like they wanted to kill them. Which in itself is a BAD IDEA but having the possibility to speak about it did take the pressure of it and allowed  them to continue and find a happy path. (And yes, you could worry about my choice in friends 😉 ) People tell me a lot of shit because they trust I will not laugh at them because I am familiar with the insane part of living.

– On openness about drinking and not drinking. I still stick to the story that I get depressed from drinking which is true. If people ask how much I used to drink I answer with: well, more than your GP would advice. Because I thought that drinking was my problem and I did not want it to ruin friendships and other relations I have not been drinking a lot in public over the last years. So now people don’t even congratulate me on not drinking. Everybody sort of thinks it is part of my many funny food issues that I have displayed over the last years. I got a mail from the friend I am visiting this evening: Could you please mail me what you do and do not eat and drink (now)? And what you would like (instead)? :-D. He’s joking with that, but we both know it is true as well. So by now I can actually freely speak of not drinking and my new discoveries with friends. And that is good. 🙂

Everybody is more surprised when I say that I still write 4 hours per day in my diary – that would be blog reading and writing. I guess they are surprised that I STILL do it, not that I do it. And I am guessing that says something about their expectations of my (lack of) stamina :-(. Everybody is happy that I am happy again. I get a lot of compliments over having changed for the better. Like my eyes have lost the look of despair and depression. I am still rather emotional and cry easily but as long as I do not act like that is an issue other people seem to be ok with it too. It’s not the sobbing crying, just the tears leaking silently.

– On clarity: I notice  that I am less clear lately. My affinity with telepathy is improving, specifically with those friends who have affinity for that as well but my head feels unclear. Must be the sugar. Must be eating the sugar because I rather hide than be clear. I have done little soul-searching the last days. I was thinking I spend most of my thoughts on being sober and if I wanted to get back into life I should not do that. In order to break the ‘thinking about not drinking’ I started watching Netflix. It has broken. But I am not content with the result because I am not living yet. Ghegheghe… yes, well, looking back at those sentences I can only say: why would you expect to start living again if you watch Netflix 6 hours a day? %$#@!!! Gheghegheghe…. I am guessing I am pretty new at living. Not taking the right steps yet. It is scary that things are sometimes only logical in hindsight. They say that learning is making sure that the process that takes place in hindsight now gets moved backward (or forward if you like) in the timeline so the experience becomes apparent BEFORE doing something stupid. I would like that. But I guess there would be nothing left to be happy about.

I am happy that I quit. Sometimes it is difficult to notice that every day I discover new areas that need addressing. Longing for perfection being one of them….. 😉 As long as I have some major ‘improvements’ or insights in how things work I am ok with it. Otherwise it is depressing. But in moments that are depressing I have never thought that I might as well go back to drinking ‘because nothing has changed anyhow’. But I am aware that if I do not proceed in life that feeling will come and it might become strong too. So I am doing all this internal growth sometimes in peace, sometimes with a perceived baseball bat in my neck that is waiting to break my neck if I slow down. That causes some tension. I guess it is how I visualise perfection.

What I need: I need to take care of myself. I have let go. I need to return to taking care. 🙂

I wish you a sober, clear, insightful, loving, happy that you quit Christmas.