4 Months – 2Kg – 750 Euro

4 Months sober? Did I ever think I would make that? Yes, I guess I did. Or maybe I should rephrase that in: I had to believe I was able to do it otherwise I knew I would fail and then I worked to make it possible.

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– Cutting down on the beta blockers is going ok-ish. I am still at stage 1 where I do 2 * 50mg instead of 1 * 50. It seems the same but the blood level of the active stuff now only rises to 25 and then slowly falls down to zero. While before there was a peak of 50. That is different. In order to feel good I have to go out and move for at least an hour a day and that is working. And… NEW: I even do that when I do not feel like it.Β  πŸ™‚

I have to make sure that I do not drink licorice tea or something with caffeine. However, I am guessing that a little high blood pressure and a real body is better than a low blood pressure and a body that I do not understand and can abuse because the results of any abuse are covered up by the beta blocker. My plan (don’t even dare to use that word here anymore) is to quit the beta blockers, do a detox and go on a diet and loose weight. I believe 5% weight loss results in 10 points blood pressure or so. Or maybe different but there are large blood pressure results to be gotten on weight loss.

– Losing water weight currently, I guess it is due to cutting down the beta blockers. It says so on the enclosed leaflet that retaining water is a side effect. Which…. in itself is really funny because retaining water is a CAUSE of high blood pressure as well. Well, kidneys not functioning and then retaining water is.

– I do have a back pain that keeps me awake at night. Not sure what it is. First I thought it were my kidneys but they were tested and ok. It used to be only there when I slept for more than 8 hours. Now it is there constantly when I am laying down and during the day. When I go walking out during the day I pay extra attention to pulling in my abs and that works. So I am guessing the back pain is caused by bad posture and sitting all day. I should (there is the S-word again) train my abs. See if the pain goes away.

On pain: I am beginning to think I have a very low pain threshold. I once read something about that in connection to alcohol but I forgot how it worked. I guess it worked like taking pain killers and then quitting: anything you feel then will hurt badly. I wonder when this will change back to ‘normal’.

– Now that I am outside more I a sleep better when/if I sleep. Sleep is very important to me in order to deal with stuff. I only really sleep once in a month or so and when I wake up I am sky-high over all the energy I have. πŸ™‚ I am working on how to arrange my life so that I will be sleeping better but I am still not making the choices to support that. Still watching loads of tv for instance and going to bed late at night and waking up halfway through the day. I don’t know why I do that. I feel it is a substitute addiction. I feel I still don’t want to be really present in this life.Β  Working on it in the steps that I can take like cutting down on the beta blockers – who influence sleep patterns as well :-(. I am guessing that 30 years of hiding in booze and 4 years in beta blockers don’t go away with 4 months of sobriety. In the homeopathy they say to that 1 year of sickness needs at least 1 month of repair.

– I have binged on chocolate lately. Binging defines as: eating at least 100 grams of dark chocolate a day. I guess I am slacking in taking good care of me because I am not afraid I will be loosing my sobriety over it. Also: I have not found other things that please me as a reward. I am guessing the only way to go is the way of the monk and NOT demand a reward for every tiny little thing. Yes, I should (s-word) be more mindful of what I am doing. But getting tired of that sometimes.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I still don’t do anything. It looks like my initiative is broken. I am already Very Proud if I go out for a walk on a day that I don’t feel like it. I am still trying to feel my way through it. It feels like my initiative is depleted. If there is such a thing. I guess this is the price to pay for not taking care of me and now I have to make sure I get it back somehow. I feel it is connectedΒ  to me having worked too hard for way too long; 12 hours a day 6-7 days a week and then drinking to flush the stress away. I also think it is connected to me not doing the full circle of life in anything that I do: I used to be very good at starting things (being born) but maintenance or letting go (living and dying) are not in my repertoire. I guess that somehow screws up the energy flows that are supposed to be. And I don’t know nothing about letting go so I guess this is going to be interesting. I quit drinking but that feels different from letting go. Or maybe…. I don’t know how letting go should feel and I project all kinds of difficulties on it while it is actually the same as quitting drinking: crying, saying goodbye, realising how bad it is and feeling my way into a new, sober world. With saying: I do not have the skills to maintain or let go I do the same as with thinking I could not stop with drinking: I block myself even to think or feel about it. Hmmmm, there’s a thought.

– I am still working on recognising how I use the word ‘should’ – the S-word, to arrange my life. Not going fast in that, really slowly. Every discovery feels overwhelming, the things I do to myself with using that word. Nasty. It blocks energy in a bad way. I notice I want to look away from this issue. I guess I will stay with the noticing what I want to do with it.

– On aggression; on aggression there are a few things. One of them is that I find (haha, you would have noticed) that it is there (here!!!!) and that it pops up without me noticing. I have had a few flame reactions this last month and I never saw them coming because how I perceive my anger has changed. It scares me that I can be so destructive. I have a whole post here on an imagined conversation with my mother on things that I am very angry about and I do not dare to publish it. What scares me most isΒ  that every day I think I am genuinely me, but the day after I noticed that the aggression I carry is still alcohol fueled or fueled by not being sober long enough and not having the rest that comes with it. Looking back in my blog line I see a lot of anger that now feels differently. Looking around at other sober blog posts I get the feeling that outbursts of anger are part of sobering up. I get called out of my cave over what I perceive as dishonest or unfair. And of course my megalomaniac thinking spurs me to speak up. I am starting to see the link with projecting things and anger. I force myself to be fair, I can’t stand it if my nephew of 10 is unfair about something and I will come down on him like an avalanche when he is. 😦 Sorry, sorry, sorry nephew, world. 😦 Working on it. The error is in thinking I have the right or need to say something. Aaaah, and because I am overwhelmed by the ‘error’ of the other I justify lashing out because the other hurt me first. Hmmm. Food for thought. Standing by and not commenting looks like approval – I don’t want to go their either. Or would I be using that as an excuse to lash out. Not sure. It needs addressing. (Trying very hard not to use the S-word here – it is not working. SO MUCH TO DO!)

– On liking me: sometimes I like myself and like the feeling within me where I think I reside. I am starting to really like people sometimes and not worry about their flaws. Yes, sorry, sorry, ‘really like people’ sounds awful but well, I am saying it like it is. I had/have difficulty with that. And, in my arrogance I think a lot of people have that but do not want to recognise it. Saying it like it is sometimes helps others. I have had 3 moms admitting to me that they have been so depressed that they hated their babies and really felt like they wanted to kill them. Which in itself is a BAD IDEA but having the possibility to speak about it did take the pressure of it and allowedΒ  them to continue and find a happy path. (And yes, you could worry about my choice in friends πŸ˜‰ ) People tell me a lot of shit because they trust I will not laugh at them because I am familiar with the insane part of living.

– On openness about drinking and not drinking. I still stick to the story that I get depressed from drinking which is true. If people ask how much I used to drink I answer with: well, more than your GP would advice. Because I thought that drinking was my problem and I did not want it to ruin friendships and other relations I have not been drinking a lot in public over the last years. So now people don’t even congratulate me on not drinking. :-/ Everybody sort of thinks it is part of my many funny food issues that I have displayed over the last years. I got a mail from the friend I am visiting this evening: Could you please mail me what you do and do not eat and drink (now)? And what you would like (instead)? :-D. He’s joking with that, but we both know it is true as well. So by now I can actually freely speak of not drinking and my new discoveries with friends. And that is good. πŸ™‚

Everybody is more surprised when I say that I still write 4 hours per day in my diary – that would be blog reading and writing. I guess they are surprised that I STILL do it, not that I do it. And I am guessing that says something about their expectations of my (lack of) stamina :-(. Everybody is happy that I am happy again. I get a lot of compliments over having changed for the better. Like my eyes have lost the look of despair and depression. I am still rather emotional and cry easily but as long as I do not act like that is an issue other people seem to be ok with it too. It’s not the sobbing crying, just the tears leaking silently.

– On clarity: I noticeΒ  that I am less clear lately. My affinity with telepathy is improving, specifically with those friends who have affinity for that as well but my head feels unclear. Must be the sugar. Must be eating the sugar because I rather hide than be clear. I have done little soul-searching the last days. I was thinking I spend most of my thoughts on being sober and if I wanted to get back into life I should not do that. In order to break the ‘thinking about not drinking’ I started watching Netflix. It has broken. But I am not content with the result because I am not living yet. Ghegheghe… yes, well, looking back at those sentences I can only say: why would you expect to start living again if you watch Netflix 6 hours a day? %$#@!!! Gheghegheghe…. I am guessing I am pretty new at living. Not taking the right steps yet. It is scary that things are sometimes only logical in hindsight. They say that learning is making sure that the process that takes place in hindsight now gets moved backward (or forward if you like) in the timeline so the experience becomes apparent BEFORE doing something stupid. I would like that. But I guess there would be nothing left to be happy about.

I am happy that I quit. Sometimes it is difficult to notice that every day I discover new areas that need addressing. Longing for perfection being one of them….. πŸ˜‰ As long as I have some major ‘improvements’ or insights in how things work I am ok with it. Otherwise it is depressing. But in moments that are depressing I have never thought that I might as well go back to drinking ‘because nothing has changed anyhow’. But I am aware that if I do not proceed in life that feeling will come and it might become strong too. So I am doing all this internal growth sometimes in peace, sometimes with a perceived baseball bat in my neck that is waiting to break my neck if I slow down. That causes some tension. I guess it is how I visualise perfection.

What I need: I need to take care of myself. I have let go. I need to return to taking care. πŸ™‚

I wish you a sober, clear, insightful, loving, happy that you quit Christmas.

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14 thoughts on “4 Months – 2Kg – 750 Euro

  1. Feeling, a happy four months to you. I love reading your journey and hearing all your insight on this sober journey!
    Blessings to you this Christmas and in the new year πŸ˜€

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi L&H,
      Thank you! That is really nice to hear. πŸ™‚
      I hope you survived your ‘family drama’ called Christmass – as you put it? Not sure if I am allowed to repeat that. πŸ™‚ But my memories of Christmasses past are not all very positive so if you say ‘family drama’ I get an idea…I don’t miss them. Having said that… of course I wish everything could have been peachy. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think periods of “fogginess” continue for a while. Definitely up to a year, if my own experience is accurate. I think it does take a long time to fully heal from years of abuse!
    Relax and enjoy all you are accomplishing. We can
    ‘t change overnight, nor would we want to. The journey is what we need to acknowledge and enjoy. Today is all we have. Make it good. Do what you want to do.
    I thoroughly enjoy your writing and your perspective. I love that you are honest with people. Sometimes I want to be more foreceful, but I have found that for me, personally, a soft touch actually works better than my years of rigid rules and self criticism. So I try to employ what works for me with others. It reminds me to be gentle with myself!!!

    Have a merry Christmas!

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Anne,
      I’m trying to stay a away from the should word but I notice that I only keep changing it into other words. But yes: I need to remind myself that enjoying the journey is way better. I still feel so inadequate and always feel that I am not really good enough to lay my head down. Guess the high blood pressure is a logical next step. :-).
      On the being gentle, I am guessing there is another skill I need to develop. Working on it. The last week I”ve taken in inbetween step where I only address addictive thinking if I spot it and people do not seem to be aware or if it is getting to them. Hope I can keep that up and add some gentleness to it. πŸ™‚ Gentle with myself, that’s another chapter, or maybe it’s the same. πŸ™‚
      I hope you have/had a merry Christmas!

      xx, Feeling

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    • Happy to hear from you and happy that my posting helps you. I always feel a bit silly when I complain about my difficulties, in comparison to yours they are futile. Not sure how to deal with that apart from realising that my life is not your life – which is very true of course but, still.. Well, I am very happy to hear that my posts help you on your road. πŸ™‚ ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t focus on the problem necessarily. Like your specific problem vs mine. Rather, I focus on how you or anyone else is dealing with it or how they have dealt with it. I look to see how their perspectives changed as they go through their struggles. My belief is that the struggle or pain isn’t as important as the person whom feels that struggle and pain. It’s all very real to the individual and no way will I ever take that from the person nor minimize it by saying “I have it worse.” Does that make sense?

        I believe we all go through these things to help us grow and if we focused too much on telling ourselves we are silly because others have it worse, then we may miss our growth opportunity. I too see many families that have it worse than us especially when we spend time in the hospital. We live in such a broken world and it’s sad but we also get to love, reach out and enjoy our many gratitudes. Your path, your story still has it’s inspiration because you have the courage to live and get through your struggles. You really are a courageous person not because of your specific problem but because you are working through it the best you know how and are continously seeking to do better. You are awesome like that! πŸ˜‰

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      • I love how you differentiate between the person and the pain. My mother did that very couragously by saying: I am M…. and I HAVE cancer, I am not the cancer. Maybe I should do that more. I keep on identifying with my pain. I am not the pain, I am how I deal with it. Thanks! That is a very good insight for a Christmass day. πŸ™‚
        I do not specifically think we go through them to make us grow. But I do think that we need to deal with what we have been given. I try to be couragous like the little boy in my favorite childrens book ‘The brothers Lionheart’ of Astrid Lindgren; ‘I am scared but I WILL do it.’ It is about a sickly boy that dies young and goes to a heaven (Swedish landscape with real people) and becomes a hero in the story there together with his brother. Strange that this should come up in our conversation. I had not realised until now how much similarity you could find in it. Did your children read it? It ends in a suicide so you might want to pre-read it if you would like them to have it. It has gotten bad criticisms but children love the book because it does not treat them like children and the story is awsome. If anything it gave/gives me hope.

        Liked by 1 person

      • The book sounds very interesting. I will look into it. Isn’t it awesome how we all have different perspectives? I love that about humanity. We can all teach each other if we would just allow it. Thanks for being a hero in your story

        Liked by 1 person

      • I am a little ashamed to say that I am only at this stage in my life starting to realise these different perspectives. You might have read my earlier post where ‘other people’ used to be ‘just’ ‘a wall’. In my mind they did not differentiate. There were 2 kinds: The Others and… I. 😦 Well, learning here. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Yay for you! I enjoy reading about all of the changes you’re noticing in your journey, and as always, your honesty. You keep it real with the most important person – yourself. I had a thought while I was reading your paragraph about liking yourself and liking others…these are completely connected. Our thoughts about ourselves reflect in how we feel about other people. So I think it’s interesting that this is changing for you. And positive. If you are starting to like people more, that actually means you’re starting to like and accept yourself more. In my experience with being sober for 3 years in my 20s is reflective of what will happen for us, this will be more and more the case as we gain days and hopefully years in sobriety. For me, I’m at an all time low with how I feel about other people, because I’m so unhappy with myself. I’m working on it. Congratulations on 4 months – you’re doing great.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah! I know! Just don’t know how to get me out of this chair to actually do what I should do. I have this problem, it’s a character issue that has been around for ages: I can do anything (well…. almost… πŸ˜€ )! I just don’t. By now I am guessing that’s why I got send this backpain. And I am going to do sit ups NOW!
      Ha! I did! Feels better. πŸ™‚ Thanks!

      Like

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