This post started of with being on the word ‘should’ but since I am still not editing my thoughts is actually went all over the place. Not sure if I should 😀 change that.
I just had a big ‘should’ experience and I want to write this down in my diary and of course also tell you about it. Yes, sorry, in that order, I still can not deal with a reversed order where you would come first.
My brother told me last week that he thinks that I do not like myself and do not believe anybody can like me. He is right. And I want to change it. Not so much for myself I am guessing, well, not yet, but mostly for others because that feeling ignites strange sentences like the above on priorities; I call it a I-will-throw-you-out-before-you-can-throw-me-out approach. And it is ridiculous not to want it for myself and that is not going to work but I am not there yet. And I do not want to venture into these realms because I have a should post to finish.
Pfff, that did not work. Reading the first paragraph again I feel sorry for me that I think that way. So not adequate to deal with , so not adapted to the polite adult world, stuck in this angry teenage behaviour. I don not want to write this down, I do not want to know this about me, I do not want to feel this way. I want it gone and fixed immediately. Now where did I hear that before? Quick fixes of uncomfortable feelings…
Well, this is where I am at. This is where getting clear happens; where it hurts, where it feels awkward, where there is dis-ease, where it feels new, where things are dis-covered. And then there is learning and then there is happiness. 🙂
So back to the beginning, I had this overwhelming experience on the word ‘should’. And not unlike me it was intense and drove me borderline crazy but not unlike me I can actually deal with borderline crazy very well. 🙂 I did not realise that until I just wrote that down. Trust the process and keep breathing. So much I learned these past few months.
Not sure that looks good on my CV but it is a start. Do not put sadness between yourself and a good experience.
Last week my nutritionist friend and I spoke about the word should and I. She said I should try to get that word out of my vocabulary. Well, she did not use the should word, most definitely not. Every since I have been paying a little or a lot of attention to me using this word.
This is what I wrote yesterday: Should, I should, you should, we should. I guess it continues with I should have, you should have, we should have. Does it? Hmmm, hole in my grammar. But that is off topic again. The topic is should. What I should be doing, should have done versus what I am doing. I am doing nothing. Well, I did watch about a season of Drop Dead Diva which is very comforting.
I should have woken up early, should have had milk in the house for pudding, should have had breakfast not behind the screen, should have cuddled the cat straight out of bed and not 10 minutes after, should have cleaned the kitchen straight away, should have dressed immediately after showering, should have done groceries, should have called some people to catch up, should have cleaned up my post from yesterday, should have done all these things and I did non. Why not?
Even thinking about the should issue gives me such a fright that one realisation of how it works or rather: how it does not work, sends me into watching Netflix for days and trying to settle into a feeling that I call ‘good’ before I feel I can do something again. And I don’t do stuff in between. If I happen to do stuff I feel not good about it because I am looking at ALL THAT WORK that is surrounding me and still needs to be done. Work that I have not done, work that I should have done. Totally stuck.
I tried to feel back in time to where this feeling of being paralyzed started.
It has to do with feeling utterly powerless. It is so funny how a person (I!) have different layers in which different feelings or experiences hide. I can be out and about and all in my zone doing stuff and then things change, I might wake up one morning and it feels like I can not accomplish anything.
Today I had this amazing should experience where I suddenly gave in to the pressure of a well, rather pressing experience of a should-do-this-thought and FINALLY did all the things on my should list right in that moment. It was the should list of the moment but shit it was TREMENDOUS! I was going to make some tea. And then there was a pan soaking in the sink so I could not hold the water cooker under the tap to fill it with enough water. So I filled it half and then added some extra cups by hand. And I got sooooooo fed up with the ‘you should empty the sink’ that I FINALLY did something: I followed the should and turned it into doing. Wow!! No, not wow; WHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! What an energy. Cleaned the kitchen within 5 minutes, continued with the bedroom. My thoughts were going crazy, massive stack overload, thoughts running, running, running. Thinking, thinking, thinking. ‘I have difficulty doing stuff based on will, will is useless in me, I can only do stuff based on insights. Will this finally be the turning point in my life where I start to live again? ‘ And: ‘Do not smother the experience in expectations, go with the flow.’ I did. It was overwhelmingly good to finally get this rubbish of should out of my head!
And stopped. And started writing. Not sure how this will develop but I HAVE SENSED THE FREEDOM OF DOING THINGS ON THE SHOULD LIST. Thinking maybe I can learn to start that process again?
I actually think that the nutritionist friend meant to say that I should decide on things: either do or postpone and not keep them continuously active on the should list. Like Yoda:
Happy that I quit. Happy that I have these wonderful insights. I am guessing that is what makes it worthwhile to be me. Hmm, that sounds funny. Well it makes it worthwhile to quit drinking. Highs from learning. I like. 🙂
And sorry for the incoherent long post. I am guessing that one day there will be short coherent posts. But not now, not yet. So be it.