I’ve got news. I woke up this morning and my internal voice said: You are a seer.
It rings true. Yep. And yep, it is totally useless for paying bills right now but it is good in a way. I finally know what I am. It sounds like a fucking lonely occupation outside society. How convenient. And nobody to contradict me. Even more convenient. 😉
Having found this truth came with a very solid feeling of peace. And of course secondly I realised the uselessness of it when it comes to paying bills. Still putting sadness between me and the beautiful experience? Still, I am somehow happy I found it. Suddenly I know why things in life seems to always impact me more than others: I see differently, that’s why I feel differently. It has always been A Curse. Today it became (just?) Reality.
Did it happen out of the blue? Yes and no. Yesterday I finally, after 30 years (!!!!!) wrote down the visions that I have about the future that ‘ring true’. Every now and then I get this hunch, this idea that is planted in my head, or pops up, that has a great feeling of truth about it. Moments where I think; This is Important. Without fail these ideas will surface again as business concepts, as fashion, as interior designs, as pieces of art, as teachings in a suddenly popular book, as base for a new political party a few days, months or years later. So I guess I need to work out how much this feeling of ‘without fail’ is really true. Because it is possible that I lure myself into thinking I have this possibility while actually I might not. Well, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.
I once did an audition for a TV programme where I would get help to promote a business idea that I had. I did not get in and the people commented: ‘You should not be developing this specific idea, that is not where your strength is. You should be developing business concepts as a job because you have a gift for knowing what is to come.’ Soooooo, I know I have the magic, but how to become a paid coolhunter at age 44?
Other changes: thinking about the frequency of addiction has opened a whole new level of awareness. Suddenly the way I conduct myself, the way I hide, the way I am not clear, all the mess in my house irritates me like crazy. Even the fact that I don’t edit my post, on which I used to pride myself (yes, sorry, ego speaking again) irritates me now: because it leaves me being unclear, it keeps me there where I do not decide.
And of course ‘things’ pop up. Today it was a small Facebook message through which I started to look for Jim Carrey and I found this:
My soul is not contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.
Jim Carrey grew up in a situation so miserable that he started to entertain his parents to keep them laughing and happy. Hearing this speech of him I am guessing he is very familiar with addiction.
I also now know why I don’t like blogging anymore: I need away time from the frequency of addiction. I need to find places where the causes and results of addiction are not present and learn from that. Live there. So if you found that I have not been present in the blog world (sorry for assuming one would even notice 😉 ), it is because I need to be away for a while to learn to live outside of the issues that come with addiction.
Back to my calling. How will I put this into work? I don’t know yet. But as Jim Carrey says:
I learned you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.
Which is how it is. I’m off to go do stuff. Find out if this is the omnipotence of the addict speaking, another way to keep me from doing what I do not want (admin!) or just truth.