There is this prison of fear, a cage and it surrounds me and it says ‘you can never drink again!’ and it frightens me. And then, when I change my perspective and say: ‘Pfffff, lucky me, I don’t ever have to drink again!’ all the fear is gone at once.
Secondly: what is left is a white sort of desert of nothingness and I don’t know what the heck to do with my life. As Icemen18 said yesterday: ‘I had a sober problem called life.‘ I have that. Well, not as negative as it could be perceived by that statement (and Iceman18 rewrote it to a statement that is easier to understand correctly) but I’ll go with the ‘problem called life’ because that for me has the directness to it that explains to me very well where the issue lies.
I have a problem and it is called life. My solution was to drown me in alcohol, so life did not hurt. Now I do not drown myself anymore I need to look for ways of dealing with life. Don’t get me wrong, not interested in jumping of a high building here. Unfortunately I don’t believe that its easier being dead either. I sat at my mothers deathbed and I had a little peek around the corner of life; (no) need to worry, it continues.
So yes, I feel pressured in the need to deal with my shit, just in order to literally not come back as a pollen of grass in, say an English garden: getting cut off and cut off and cut off over and over again.
And all of that is of no importance because my life is here and it is not there where I am not. So……..
I’ll tell you: I don’t know. Have no clue. So today I spent not knowing. And then when I finally got comfortable with that the voice said: you just need to write. So the rest of my bath time I wondered: is that one of the addict bingo words or if I should truly do that?
My ayahuasca spirit once said: ‘Life was never meant to be a burden. You need to understand that.’ But I don’t. Not yet. Not how I live right now. I feel I keep myself in a prison of fear because that is more comfortable than letting go.
I’m at a loss here (yes, yes, I know, AA, higher power… but those are exactly the buttons that have been pushed too much in a very wrong way.) By now I feel I have become a perfect example of an addict struggling with life.
These (random) cuties tell it very well:
Well, what did they say about addiction? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Yes. Check! That would be me. Time to learn something, somewhere, somehow.