New :-)

This afternoon I had another intense session with my addiction counselor. It was good, but it feels funny to write about it because the counselor also has the name of this blog. No matter. After an intense singing lesson, an intense therapist meeting having an intense counselling session is… tiresome.

Time to make some dinner I thought. I feel like, feel like? Yes! I feel like something hot, fat, salty and deep-fried with cheese.

And then I thought: ‘but what do I really want?’

That’s NEW!!!!

‘I want to not be sad. I don’t want things to hurt. I am tired.’

That’s all. I am thinking it is big because it is the first time that I somehow disconnected want and need. Am I allowed to say, at 44, that I had never gotten to that point? It’s NEW!! πŸ™‚

All in all not so happy that I quit. Too much painful soul searching this week I guess, throws stuff out of balance. Too much work not enough fun. Right now I am trying to fight urges with will power and intellect and not with my ‘happy that I quit’. Happy that I quit is way easier but I have trouble getting to that point. Well, I guess that is where the work is, theme of last week: don’t put sadness between myself and happiness. And then there is this voice in my head saying: ‘Just work on that.’ And an answer…. (Do you have that too? Conversations within?)

‘Nooooooooo! I don’t want to do anything anymore, too tired! I am so sad and I just want to be happy. Why can’t I just be happy? I deserve to be happy after so much shit, it is not fair! I should be happy when I do all the quitting stuff.’

‘Now there’s a nice trap all covered up in righteousness…. And no, that’s not how it works. I am not sure how it does work. All I know is that you deal in sadness and if you are going through the motions of dealing in something you might as well deal in happiness.’

So. Here I go again, practising feeling happy. It actually works. πŸ™‚ Happy that I quit. Fucking proud of it! Jeeeez! Thank you self. πŸ™‚ Tadaaaaaaa!!!!!

And shiiiiiit, tired. Food. Sleep.

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8 thoughts on “New :-)

  1. Will power and intellect offer little match to King Alcohol. Is your addiction counselor a recovering alcoholic? If so, have you told the counselor about your tactics? And, if so, what feedback did you receive?

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    • I noticed the will power, will power just switches sides all of a sudden, pretty useless. πŸ˜€ Intellect might work for me if I can see what trap I am falling in. Just being happy that I am free works best so far. It’s just difficult to be happy about the things going well because I tend to be sad all over – my favorite emotion (see yesterdays post…). So I practise being happy about the things that went well. And that works, at least now. I’m just very tired and I need to take care of that too. Tired = dangerous.

      He used to be addicted to alcohol yes. And no, I have not told him about my tactics. I normally don’t have real cravings, just then and there. It is not a big problem in comparison to all the other shit that surfaces. The biggest problem is that I can’t seem to start doing stuff.

      And I realise now that I sure as hell will not be telling all the childish ‘Noooo, I can’t and nooooo I don’t wanna do the work stuff!!!!’

      I am curious after your reaction to my post, or wasn’t this an intro question?

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      • My reaction to your post is that I see a lot of similarities to myself in early sobriety. And, it’s not unlike many alcoholics. I wish you nothing but the best. I see that you post a lot and I am rooting for you!

        I’ve learned a bit on my sober journey, nearly eight years, most of all is that I know very little. And that, in and of itself, has ignited a passion to learn more. I’ll never stop learning, unless I pick up a bottle again. And, that brings me happiness. It’s a wonderful choice.

        Here’s a sliver of what I have learned so far. Intellect will kill me. It almost did. As an educated person and working professional, I’m well trained to solve problems. But there is no problem, like alcoholism, to solve. Because that’s not the problem. The problem is me! And, as Einstein famously said “Problems cannot be solved with the same mind set that created them.” I have no training or experience to solve the problem called me. In fact, I couldn’t even recognize that I was the problem.

        I had a sober problem called life. Alcohol was my solution. Until it stopped working. Then I had another problem…addiction!

        We need others to help us. Others that have been there themselves. Other alcoholics. I found them in AA.

        Many alcoholics reject AA at the onset of sobriety. They can’t identify with the program and find little common ground. To me, now, that’s kind of a “no shit Sherlock kind of thing”. I designed and lived a life that was in opposition to the principles of AA. Duh! And how did that design go after nearly 45 years? Not well! Yet, I fought AA tooth and nail with all my willpower and intellect. I fought it until I was sick and tired of being a dry drunk. Six years into sobriety, I was finally willing to do anything not to live another day of discomfort. I was of no use to my family, my friends, my career and anyone else that I crossed paths with on any given day. I had some relief in my first six years. But depression, anxiety, no happiness, no joy and just general discomfort were still my closets companions.

        That’s all different today. It didn’t take long after I started working all measures of AA, that my life changed completely. Today, I live a life that I never could have imagined. And if just keeps getting better. Good intentions are only good intentions. Taking action has made all the difference.

        That’s why I responded to your post. It’s worth the time investment to elaborate as well. Even though I know that “you’re ready when you’re ready” (to get sober and stay sober). Not a damn thing I can do about except share my experience.

        One other thing I’ve learned… In the rooms of AA. Alcoholism is a fatal illness. Sadly, most of society treats it like the common cold. People die every day from this illness. I’ve been around this long enough to watch people die far too often.

        We see when we can see and hear when we can hear! But, many don’t and they die an alcoholic death.

        Again, I wish you all the best.

        Liked by 3 people

      • Hi Icemen18,

        Thank you for your reply. The problem called life… I am familiar with that :-/ I also read a lot of concern, thank you for caring. And… I am still not getting something. This is the second time that you replied to my blog and I ‘get the feeling’ πŸ˜‰ that you think I am all good intentions but not doing the work that is important to safe me from going under?
        Or? I can say ‘just checking’ but this is a serious subject so that would be without the ‘just’. πŸ™‚

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      • Hi. First to answer your question. I caught a few of your posts over the last couple of months. I’ve watched you, as I also do other newcomers, feel your way around early sobriety. I’ll comment if I think I can help out. As nothing assures the strength of my own sobriety more than working with other alcoholics. I saw your methodical, and scripted “step by step” plan role out. The books reading and healthy eating; supplements too, if I remember correctly. Can all that help? From my experience the answer is “a little”. But here we are still relying on your intellect and past experiences to target and solve a problem. Again, based on my own experience and that of others, there’s a high probability that you’ll go back out drinking. You’ll become restless, irritable and discontent. Uncomfortable in your own skin. Isolating and then just maybe turning to substances to get relief.

        So, I’ve made a couple of comments. And I’ll make a couple of suggestions. Don’t drink no matter what! No matter what! Get with another alcoholic and tell them the truth. Tell them everything. We need to be rigorously honest with ourselves and others. Else we die!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. <>

    YES – that means you are growing and learning. (Big time, I might add.) You are doing so much good work, stretching yourself, actually wanting to change. I think you really “hit the nail on the head” so to speak when you said, too much work, not enough fun. Make sure you treat yourself as well (not necessarily with food, but maybe flowers? lavender oil? a nice soft scarf?) …

    I think it’s so amazing how malleable our minds really are. Just by repeating to yourself over and over that you are actually happy that you quit, fairly soon you start to feel that way too. πŸ˜‰

    And yes, I have conversations like these in my head, but only when I’m sober! When I’m drinking I can’t even get to my own thoughts. It’s all a jumble in my head that I can’t keep straight. I think it’s a very healthy thing to be aware of your own thoughts, and to realize that you can actually convince yourself of some positive things.

    Once again, I’m very impressed with your honesty and also all of the great work you’re doing. ❀

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  3. Pingback: Prison of fear or desert of not knowing | feelingmywaybackintolife

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