This afternoon I had another intense session with my addiction counselor. It was good, but it feels funny to write about it because the counselor also has the name of this blog. No matter. After an intense singing lesson, an intense therapist meeting having an intense counselling session is… tiresome.
Time to make some dinner I thought. I feel like, feel like? Yes! I feel like something hot, fat, salty and deep-fried with cheese.
And then I thought: ‘but what do I really want?’
‘I want to not be sad. I don’t want things to hurt. I am tired.’
That’s all. I am thinking it is big because it is the first time that I somehow disconnected want and need. Am I allowed to say, at 44, that I had never gotten to that point? It’s NEW!! 🙂
All in all not so happy that I quit. Too much painful soul searching this week I guess, throws stuff out of balance. Too much work not enough fun. Right now I am trying to fight urges with will power and intellect and not with my ‘happy that I quit’. Happy that I quit is way easier but I have trouble getting to that point. Well, I guess that is where the work is, theme of last week: don’t put sadness between myself and happiness. And then there is this voice in my head saying: ‘Just work on that.’ And an answer…. (Do you have that too? Conversations within?)
‘Nooooooooo! I don’t want to do anything anymore, too tired! I am so sad and I just want to be happy. Why can’t I just be happy? I deserve to be happy after so much shit, it is not fair! I should be happy when I do all the quitting stuff.’
‘Now there’s a nice trap all covered up in righteousness…. And no, that’s not how it works. I am not sure how it does work. All I know is that you deal in sadness and if you are going through the motions of dealing in something you might as well deal in happiness.’
So. Here I go again, practising feeling happy. It actually works. 🙂 Happy that I quit. Fucking proud of it! Jeeeez! Thank you self. 🙂 Tadaaaaaaa!!!!!
And shiiiiiit, tired. Food. Sleep.