Sooooo, this is what it is all about, getting sober. Happy it only comes in stages. Happy? Sad kind of happy. The mindless happy I have been carrying about has left the building. The happy that I quit feels all silly now.
I realised when writing comments to my former post that it is all very double (is that the word?) today. With seeing my brother the familiar historical feeling of meeting my family and having a freight train running over me, came back. And with opening up to others also the physical pain of the memories of betrayal came back in. Not just the mind memory and flashes of what happened any more. I had forgotten how big it was. I thought I knew. Now it washes over me. Don’t want to go there. No kid should be going through any of this. I keep on wanting to safe them all and I can’t even stand on my own feet. Fucking darkness. And the sun and the moon continue their ways and the Publish button keeps on bleeping. And the world does not stop even though it feels like it does in my little time capsule. The streets are so still I could imagine being alone on this world. My safe mind place.
Listening to music now. A list of the music of Habla con Ella. Which is something I actually hardly ever did before I got sober. And the first song to touch me is Raquel, how odd, the archangel of vengeance. And then there is Alicia, Alicia vive. And it describes how life just goes on, regardless.
Finally, with realising how close my brother and I we were I also realised how big the betrayal was, is, don’t know. I used to have nightmare as a kid that something would happen to him. Day in day out. Horrible. Other kids would come and hurt him and kill him. That what was dearest to me. My god what has happened?
Today is the first day that I regretted that I do not drink anymore. First time difficult in 2,5 months. I took a bath and slept. And now I am awake. How is this for asking help and all the shit gets worse because I relax. Or is it meeting my brother only? Don’t know. Tired now. And what is difficult is to keep on taking care of myself. Yesterday my brother kissed me hello after the concert he came from. His skin and breath smelled of alcohol and this transferred to my cheeks. I found out when I lay in my bed finally and I should have washed my cheeks but I did not because I was too tired to get out of bed. I should have.
It is this continuous care that I find tiring. I just want things to be over. I also know they are not going to be over just like that. Not sure how to deal here. There’s this HALT word I am not even sticking to. Hungry, angry, well, sort of, lonely and tired. I’d better get something to eat and go to bed. Nothing to be resolved here today. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.
Happy that I quit? Don’t know. No glass, well, no tray of alcohol is going to improve any of this. But I wish it would and I wish I would not be in trouble because of that. There are people here that come back from stepping of the sober path. I am pretty sure I would not. It would take years and I don’t have years. Maybe I just wish something would improve this? I wish it never happened. It is dark. I miss my mom. It is such a funny concept where there are mothers and then they die. And funny how I used to be ok with that. Can’t comprehend either of them.
It feels like I have taken off to another age in my life cycle. My grandfather has left our house, there is a lot of fighting and shouting going on. I sleep through mostly but when I wake up my brother lies awake and cries silently. My grandfather has a brain tumor, that’s why he was behaving weird. He is partially paralysed but kills himself by not eating and repeatedly, continuously drawing out his infusions. Mom is very sad. My parents fight, money is in short supply, my mother wants to leave, my father laughs at her, my brother cries in secret, my father only works. My mother doesn’t leave, she gets cancer. And the sun and the moon continue their ways.
Sleep would be a good idea.