Last nights dark shadows do disappear in the light and I am happy for that because even though I know living with them, facing my fears is the only way to leave them behind me, sometimes it can feel like too much. And there is a concept that needs looking into: me thinking that ‘it should all be over’ and not accepting things as they are. I call that my ‘I want it all and I want it now’ streak. Very addicty. Needs looking into.
But not now because I want to blog this dream I had last night. I dreamed I was at school happily studying and my father popped up. He and I have not been in contact for 7 years now. Funny thing is that in my dream he looked exactly as he look(ed) when we were in contact. And I felt exactly how I have always felt and never was aware off: the pull of family and the guarding myself against the next attack on whatever I hold precious in me.
I managed to turn around in time before he saw me and disappear and be safe in the crowds. NEW, normally crowds would pull away and deliver me to him. That kept on going for a while and I was not worried when he finally saw in a corridor of the school. I ran away, knowing he could not follow very quickly because of his recent seizures. There were two buildings in the school, one was old and one was new. I liked the new building better and almost everybody was there. But in running I got lost in a maze of unfamiliar corridors of the old building. OLD: a lot of my dreams have a maze in a building or city and I always lose the way . I thought ‘I need to get out, get to the new building’ and I continued to run and feeling my way out, making decisions on the turns by instinct while in the meantime building up strength in case I would meet my dad. It worked. And that is NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW.
I lost my dad in the maze up in the attic and when I finally came down to the cantina I bought (or stole, not sure) a can of beer because I had deserved it. There was this big internal battle going on that I easily lost, because I had been through so much and succeeded that I was allowed to forget about it. So I took a sip and another one and I thought: ‘You have one chance left: DISLIKE IT NOW!!!!´ and I disliked it and I put it away. NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW. 🙂 And the city changed into Dubai where you are not allowed to drink and all the people on the streets have this ´no drink´ aura and that made it easier.
I´m easy with my dreams: I take them face value and sometimes extend just a little when it fits the feeling. So I am scared of my dad but have learned to value myself enough to save me and feel my way out of the misery. Also the dream tells me that I am not ready to face him. And last but not least: I still think / again think that drinking is a good idea but I still had a last trick up my sleeve I had no actual knowledge of – so that comes from deep within and that is good. Very good. And NEW! 🙂
The ‘only’ thing I don’t understand about the dream is the next part where I wanted to get a bus away from the school to make sure my dad would not catch me and demand me to be his daughter, his property. But there were only taxi’s that I found too expensive. Of course those Dubai people had shitloads of money so they did not care. And btw, they were all disapproving man, that irritated me. Both thoughts are OLD as well. Ha, can’t imagine that ever changing. But that is a different subject, or maybe it is the same.
Happy that I quit, even though it is difficult to be sober and face what’s flooding back. Today I am not happy because quitting is rewarding, or maybe I should make it rewarding by practising to be happy…. 😉 Today I am happy in a not-unhappy way that I am getting to points where things ‘need changing’ and that when I stay sober I don’t have to do these last 2,5 months again. That is a sorry sort of happy but that is ok for now.