Tired

Don’t know what to write, I’m just tired of the events of yesterday and going to bed at 02:00 hours after speaking with my brother for a while. Had a bad dream I can’t really remember, something about odorex poisoning (?) that made me throw up but thanks to the cat; lately she wakes me up when I haveย  bad dreams by tapping her paw on my arm or face and meowing with concern. She is sooooo sweet.

Yesterday in the morning the nutritionist and I met and I told her about my affair with alcohol and also gave her the address of my blog. And now it becomes funny because I had not realised that I would write about the meeting but she (Hi!!! :-)) would also possibly read it. Hmmmm. No matter, it was a good meeting. What I really like about the approach is that it is holistic; all aspects of life that are important to a human being to function in our society are being looked at. This includes foods but also joy, education, housing, work etc. I’m excited to start. ๐Ÿ™‚

Also, we touched on the subject of forgiveness, and where I had been ranting on Dustin John’s blog about ‘I don’t trust people who preach forgiveness and force it upon people, I always wonder what they have got up their sleeve and what they are refusing us to realise.’ – I now finally got an inkling of the feeling and freedom of forgiveness and the energy it sets free. And now looking at my history and personality (and reading back in the blog!) I can suddenly see that there is a lot of resentment in me. People have told me so for years but I always thought I ‘Circumstances justify what I feel.’ With the addition; so sod off. Even my face looks discontent when relaxed. I really dislike that. Not only because it is ugly but also because it is repulsive. Oh, did I tell you I deal in judgements?

On the ranting, I do a lot of that. We had not even touched that subject but I suddenly came to see that just because of the way the nutritionist expresses herself. It just made me wonder what all the shouting and opinions are all about. ๐Ÿ™‚ Good. Rest. Not having to blow myself up as a balloon to be seen or heard. Peace.

I got some homework in forms to fill in on my medical background and eating pattern that I need to fill in. Going do that tomorrow.In the afternoon counsellor 2 dropped by at my place. We know each other from about 28 years back. He’s gotten into trouble with alcohol and has gotten himself out too, he’s around day 500. ๐Ÿ™‚ A while ago he started a training for addiction counsellor for which he needs guinea pigs. Here I am! :-)We started of with a meal to re-acquaint and continued with the official part. What was really funny that within the scheme of the questioning there also was a place for speaking about the exact opposite of the feelings that are experienced as negative.

So I mentioned feeling disconnected and the next question were; how does that feel AND how would it feel or be to feel not connected.I now also know that I prefer disconnected and lonely and single over connected and with company and being in a relation.

It was freeing to speak with somebody on getting sober. It also made me crave. I am guessing that having to do this on my own makes me vigilant. Speaking with somebody that knows makes me drop my guard et voilร ; in come the cravings. Later I noticed that for myself I am VERY strict in condemning alcohol. Not in any second, not one half toe is allowed off the path. Not even in reference to ‘I used to drink and I used to like it.’ This is forbidden by me in my life because alcohol is NOT romantic. It is a drug that ruins and kills, etc. etc. But now I found that I can’t really tell others what to do or think. OK, I know you are not buying that, yes, I did tell. And I did give him a book too. Surprised? ๐Ÿ˜€

Looking back I maybe should not have done 2 of these types of meetings on one day with my brother coming over as well later for a sleepover because he had been to a concert in the neighbourhood. We had a talk, it was a beginning. But I should be editing here now because now non-professional people who know my brother also might read the blog.

He actually opened with: ‘I feel sorry and guilty that I have not been seeing a lot of people lately, you included’.

‘Whenever I come to your place you are gaming and say that you are too busy to be in contact.’

And he continued: ‘Last time you were at our place I did not feel I was welcome anyhow.’ This was the time where I internally tried to process damage done by friends of his more that 30 years ago and he nicely mentioned that I ‘could make a trauma out of everything’. Yes, let’s not be traumatized by attempted rape and your brother laughing about it. Good idea! Saves us a shitload of worries. Which in itself is true. It’s just, how to get there?

I did not reply, I could not. I am thinking of writing him a letter. Or maybe I should work it through with my therapist first in order to maybe give it a place. And maybe I should not be blogging about my brother now people that he knows also know this blog. Need to edit.

I am tired. Trying to close myself off for possible damage and still keeping an opening for real conversation at the same time is tiring. And the sun is shining outside. I should not be moaning inside but be happy outside. That’s what I am going to do.

I am happy that I quit even though this is the first time that I find it difficult. I want Cola!! I should not have cola because I can not deal with caffeine AND because it is part of my drinking history. Closely linked addiction. I want to drown all the family stuff. I am sad. I miss my brother so much, how it used to be, where we understood each other without speaking and now we ‘talk’, more like ‘discuss’ and he keeps on telling me how I should do stuff and lead my life and change my views. Men and their ways of telling women how to live their lives….. Pfffffff!! Grrrrrrrr. And me, not ever considering that he could be hurt too because he takes this domineering ‘know it all’ position.

Next time I’ll try to speak, maybe start of with saying I would like us to talk more and discuss less. His heart is good.

The sun is out here, going to enjoy that.

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4 thoughts on “Tired

  1. hi feeling, I was thinking of you earlier – glad you’ve made it through yesterday, although I appreciate it must have been a lot to deal with. I think its great that you’re starting to open up to people who could really help you as the sober journey continues!
    And the lines of communication between you and your brother are open now – it might not happen overnight, but there will be an opportunity for you to tell him your own version of events, and how it has affected you. You were obviously very close prior to that, and I really hope you can find that again.
    I’m proud of you, feeling, you’re doing great ๐Ÿ™‚
    have a good weekend,
    waking xx

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    • Thank you Waking up. It is all very difficult and double (is that the word?) today. With seeing my brother the feeling of having a freight train running over me came back and with opening back up also the physical pain of the memories came back in. And with realising how close we were I also realised how big the betrayal was, is, don’t know. Hurt and sad now.

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  2. I learned that being able to forgive is powerful. Being able to forgive yourself takes things to a whole new growth dimension. And a new freedom. When I no longer hoped for a better past, I realized that I had finally, somehow, forgiven myself! And, it was one of the book ends of learning to live in the present.

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