Scared shitless

Ha, having 2 meetings today with, ok, semi professionals who I intend to tell my story. I was utterly stoked untill a few moments where I realised that my secrecy also feels like a tool in the toolbox of ‘how I hold myself together’. I am guessing that is a big function of secrecy.

I have 8 minutes and a half an hour bike ride to come up with a another system that keeps me whole.

Naah, stuff it. The keeping whole is not the thing, it might even be dangerous because it causes a thinking that status quo is good. I’ll go with repairing back to secure.

Or haha, maybe, maybe I should not worry about the future because I am not in the future. Let things be. Like… why can it not be so that this is going to be a wonderful meeting? I had not thought of that. And I keep on writing meating instead of meeting so I am guessing I really am scared.

No need. I trust her for who she is, and she’s a vicars wife. Shouldn’t that say something? Or? No matter, I trust her.

Practise: what do I fear? what do I hope? What do I expect?

Fear: total emotional collapse and relapse. I also fear that she will from now on ‘worry’ about me and treat me different and overwhelm me with care.

Hope: Hope? What is that? NO! Not going there! I hope it is a good conversation where I will be able to learn to speak about sobriety and drinking with the first non, ok, semi-professional in my life who knows and deal with what comes with that.

Expect: chaos that I am trying to manage and is uncomfortable.

Now how’s that for doomsday thinking? πŸ™‚ I’ll go with the I trust her and I trust me. And I have not finished my homework so I should be off right now.

I am happy that I quit, ready to make a next step. Wish me luck! Have a nice day!

xx Feeling

7 thoughts on “Scared shitless

  1. Good luck! I found talking to a doctor really good. Talking to anyone is good, but there’s something about someone in a position of power that’s different. I dunno. Let us know how it goes!


  2. . . . and perhaps instead of secrecy being a tool in the toolbox, consider that openness and honesty with others might also be a tool in the box. By using that tool, you may find it works better and you will pulling it out of that tool box more often. You might even end up finding that you throw the secrecy tool away, after a time.

    I vividly recall two decisions I made when I went into a rehab unit – I was not going to lie to anyone there and I was going to do exactly what they told me to do. I saw this as a novel approach to life and the exact opposite of my previous existence. Ended up being pretty wise choices and two tools that I continue to pick up pretty regularly to this day.



    • Hi Robert,

      I see where you are coming from and what you have achieved by being open and clear about yourself. You showing yourself like this helps me to deal better.

      Having said that; I live in the Netherlands where there is little acceptance of alcohol dependency. ‘Everybody’ does drugs, but people hardly get addicted, it’s just like that, no secrecy on the drugs, less addicts.Secondly, I work in a very small industry where everybody knows eachother and I will not be able to get one job in my field if this gets out. So no, I will not tell. The blog is were I tell. You might have read that I do not hold back there ;-).
      Having said that, I did tell somebody today and I will tell somebody else too, or not, or… we’ll see.

      Regards, Feeling


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