Additional physical and mental changes

I did posts on the physical and mental changes of sobriety before, then added and added a little more in an other post  and here are again some additions.

PHYSICAL

– My saliva has changed. Not sure if you care to know…. true, true. But I am going to note it down and digress… My saliva used to be rather thick and leave a white film on my tongue and in the morning I would not even swallow but have a shower and spit and clear my throat. Yes, yes, this could be put in my CV when I apply for docker. Now it has changed to what I, well, can’t recall actually, but is has gone back to normal (magic, magic word). It is thin and feels healthy. Not sure how that happened but I would not be afraid to kiss in the morning and the cat is not stearing away from me anymore either.

Did I tell you I changed to fluor free toothpaste? Fluor is bad, toxic, look it up and it seems to block out our intuition. Can’t have that! So I got the salty, fluor free sort. I do need to rinse very thoroughly afterwards otherwise I think the residue dries out my tongue over night. But maybe that is just a leftover of years of drinking.

My tongue still has the indents and it still scares me but tomorrow I will FINALLY get together with the nutrition friend on this.

– I am still slowly losing weight, I do not pay attention to it anymore because all the paying attention to everything worked out a bit too stressful. But tomorrow I will speak with the nutritionist and see where we go.

– I would like to improve the function of my bowels first. I feel they have been hurt by years of alcohol abuse. (If you are not into dirty details now is the time to skip to the next paragraph, no, the one after that actually.) I still have diarrhea practically every day. Not good. I am afraid it lessens the ability to take up nutrients.

It is not so bad that it bothers me in my movements or is embarrassing but it is there. I think my bowels are still irritated and want to throw everything out. But it could also be that I drink too much tea, or the wrong herbs, or because of cold feet, or that I am allergic to something or should not eat ginger or, don’t know. I would really appreciate if somebody who knows how this should work and when, could comment on this. Is it going to change in time?

– My ability to focus is still improving, I noticed that because peeing takes twice as long (at the same speed). It is now 3 times as long. Did you want to know that? Not?

– I still have a big ‘dislike’ (?) against physical labour but when I do it, it is really nice.

– My hair is feeling better, less dry, less damaged. I have about 4-5cm of gray now. I quit dying when I decided I wanted become clear, quit drinking and do that by myself. IMMEDIATELY the urge to dye my hair left me. 🙂

MENTAL

– Unlike you might think from my posts that go up and down like a rollercoaster I do feel that there is something stabilizing. And I do guess that my idea of ‘normal’ has a way higher level of excitement than most people.

– A while ago I thought I could start working again, right now. But by now I know I really need to take it easy. Situations like meeting ‘the elderly blond god’ catch me off guard and make me realise that I am too extreme still in my emotions to be doing a lot of other things than practising my sober legs.

– I noticed a while ago that I have these ‘stories’ in my head. They are either very bad and this and that and everything bad will happen – or they are fairytale like and I am a Cinderella or succesful business manager or…. Well, the Cinderella in recovery, but everything will be all right in a sec. I got the impression that this is part of addictive thinking and paid more attention to it and found them not functional. Funny how these stories too, lose their attraction with thinking ‘well, I am not there yet.’ and ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.’ Those are my variations on ‘one day at the time.’

– I sleep even better. I still wake up about 3 times at night but I turn over and continue sleeping. Some times I don’t even notice that the cat works makes her nest on top of me.

– My dreams are boring, boring, boring, that is a bit of a bummer because when getting sober I thought I was going to have beautiful dreams and all (would be ok, blablabla, Cinderella).

– I like myself better. 🙂 And I have found a handle somewhere when it comes to berating and punishing myself mentally. I found that it NEVER EVER gets me to do the stuff that I need to do. Saying: ‘You can do it, just give it a try.’ works 10 times better than ‘stupid b. get your lazy fat ass away from the computer and do your admin!’ Not there yet because I still use the change in voice to get me to do what I think I need to do and I still, somehow, feel that I should be punished for not being what I was supposed to be. There is a thought I need to look into. Not now. Done too much soul-searching lately, getting out of balance. Cleaning the house is good.

Maybe there is a hint of general shame here too that says that it is ‘not done’ to like yourself. Specifically not if you are failing as a human. I actually just deleted 3 sentences about why I like me. Again: I like me because I think I am funny. My head comes up with all these funny, weird thoughts that give all kinds of insights into matters from different angles and make me laugh and that helps with nasty shit :-). I do claim the right to laugh at my own jokes. That is not working yet, but I think it should be a right. Like being ugly. Also not very accepted. Not that I am ugly. G! Can’t let it go, still need to add that. 🙂

And now I need to start doing stuff because friends are coming over for diner tonight and the house needs cleaning badly. 🙂

Funny, I think writing is not doing stuff. While it helps me BIG TIME in becoming clear. Hmmm.