Skin

Tired. Gone to bed too late the last days. Today was beautiful weather so I went to the sauna to cash in my last cheap ticket. And maybe this post should be called ´phyisical changes´ aswel. Normally I can sit in the sauna for up to half an hour and get out, not because I am hot but more because I lack oxygen. Today I was in a sauna ritual and had to leave early otherwise I would have fainted. It took me about half an hour to get back on my feet again and feel ´normal´. I was thinking today, maybe my parents should not have given me a name that actually means ‘alien’. Maybe I would not worry about being normal so much. :-/

I am guessing the almost fainting has to do with the changes I noticed in my skin. My skin normally is thick and dense and only at my hands you can pick up ´skin´ the rest of my body feels like cheeks do or thicker. Everywhere. I think it has to do with my aggression towards the outer world or my wish to lock others out. There is one advantage to this skin type because no matter how fat I get, I still keep shape. Well, now it has changed and my skin has become more like other people’s skin. Which results in my breast dropping 4cm by now. 😦 I think the skin density change also has an effect on my blood pressure that has lowered. Whatever. I almost fainted because suddenly the heat could get to me. That´s new. :-). The guy that helped me said: ‘Take it easy, you want things too quickly’. And I thought: ‘Why, now really why do I keep hearing that from everybody lately?!’ If somebody else would say that I would say they are in denial :-). Not me…!! I am never in denial. :-D. Ghegheghe. My father used to say things like that. But he meant it.

Also my hands have changed: I can put my hands in prayer position and for the first time in eons I the fingers and palms actually touch. Never knew that could happen. I guess I am retaining less water between the knuckles. All these changes still going on. Cool :-).

On the elderly blond god. Heard from the lady at the desk that he got fired last week. A word flashed by in my brain at that moment, it said ‘cocaine’. No matter if he has / is, if this is what my brain picks up or makes up I should take care not to mix. Ha! As a real alcohol addict of course I think that cocaine is soooooo very dangerous. Well, I think it it. Cocaine causes funny power issues, he had a few of those. Why do I only see that afterwards? Probably because I am attracted to men with power issues.  It’s too early to pursue romantic love anyway. Still haven’t found my sober legs fully. They are there, and I walk, but I have only walked the clear grounds, done the easy bits. Which is good. I think it is a good decision to practise unstable legs on easy grounds. But still.

Today is dias de las muertos. The veil will be very thin. Maybe my mom comes along to say hi in my dreams. Don’t know. Miss her like crazy, want to tell her that I finally got sober but in my mind she is still berating me for being addicted. And even worst for squandering her inheritance on a project that did not work because I never put my back into it fully because I drank. Not sure if I am projecting that or if its ‘true’ – as far as dead people can have opinions on earthly matters. Sometimes it feels like all the hurt of her leaving has to be processed again. Could very well be because my drinking really got serious after she died.

Being sober. Being sober is not the issue. The issue is the shit that turns up that makes me want to drink. 😉 No, I don’t want to drink. I read this line the other day: ‘There is not one problem that can not be made worst by alcohol.’ Or something along those lines. I am guessing that is very, very true. I’ve got enough issues. Don’t need alcohol to add to that.

I am happy that I quit. Happy that you have made it to here in just one other post that jumps from subject to subject. I would like to thank you for reading my post and showing interest in my road, for commenting and liking and also for blogging your experiences. All if it is wonderful and I would not be here, sober, now if you would not have been here. Thank you. 🙂

Happy hugs from Holland, Feeling.

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2 thoughts on “Skin

  1. Hi Feeling 🙂 Hope you feel better after your experience in the sauna – and sorry to hear about the blond god, but I guess its best to find out now rather that later. I mean even if cocaine isn’t the problem, the power issues didn’t sound good…
    The thing you said about having done the easy bits – I think I may be at a similar stage…Approaching day 100, and I feel there is still so much to work through – almost like it HAS been really easy so far, but there is a sense that I need to keep going to really do the work. So this is how I plan to continue – once I pass 100 days, I need to re-assess, go from there.
    Also, maybe you are right about grieving your mother’s death. If you were drinking at that time, the feelings maybe didn’t have the chance to be released. There is a post on Belle’s bog today I think about a similar situation.
    And absolutely, yes, every time something rubbish is going on with me, I too think to myself ‘I’m GLAD I’m not drinking, because this crappy situation plus wine could only ever be ten times worse!’
    Happy sober Sunday 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you on affirming the thought on the power issues. It is nice and clarifying to hear that coming from the outside. 🙂 I keep on thinking that I should not want to connect intimately if I am still attracted to power people. But in my idea a man is not a man if he doesn’t do the power thing. That’s actually a pretty sick thought. 🙂 Humpfffff. Glad that is out in the open. I am not ready and I feel I should and do protect my sobriety with the same effort as I would protect my life.
      You are doing the 100 days challenge. I never did. I knew up front that a 100 days were not going to do it for me, that I needed to make a lifelong decision. Shit I should not say that because that about lifelong because it still (?) makes me want to drink immediately. Funny.
      Well, I never even considered that a little help from somebody real, like Belle or anybody-not-a-book, would be welcome. Issues, issues, issues. 🙂
      It is a beautiful Sunday here, I’m going to do stuff outside.
      Happy sober Sunday to you too! 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

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