Fake for real

I’m getting more and more real and more and more clear and I like that. I always thought I needed alcohol to dampen (is that a word?) my senses but I enjoy this hypersensitivity very much. Yes, sorry for that word, and no, hypersensitivity does NOT mean that I suddenly get all sensitive and polite. I actually found that sensitive people can be very insensitive (moi!) because they (I) block stuff out continuously. Like autism. Well today I did another day of connecting to people and I can really use this newfound skill and way of ‘being’ instead of ‘hiding’. Good :-). It is amazing that the things that I was most scared of upfront work out to be very different from what I imagined. The reality even exceeds what I could have imagined. Good 🙂

On becoming real: a few days ago I bought this memory game, it’s called ‘fake for real’ and I am loving it. It consists of sets of cards of which on has a picture of something fake and the other of the real deal. Friends and I played it yesterday evening and had great fun. If you check out the website you can actually play parts of the game online. When you combine two cards that belong together the website explains why they chose the specific cards. When you finish the game you can play again and it shows different cards. All in all very well done I think.

And I like it also because it trains my brain to be exact and use my memory muscle that has gone weak over the years of alcohol abuse.

Note: the colours are very good in the real game, this is just my scanner that is bad.

memory2In the picture you see:

Michael Jackson as he was and how he would have been if he had not done the surgery and skin bleaching.

Scooby snacks and M&M’s.

A big Mac as it is advertised and how it looks for real.

OJ Simpson in the Newsweek (real colour) and in the Times (skin darkened with the use of Photoshop). I believe both issues came out in the same week and the Time’s version caused some upheaval. Rightly so, rightly so.

No deep thoughts, haven’t done shit but for today that is ok. Not sure why. I guess because of all the crying I did yesterday and the headache from not having glasses. I think I became befriended with my optician today. We spoke for 2 hours on life. I am happy that my sober life enables me to really get in contact with people AND realise that real contact is being appreciated. While before ‘people’ were ‘one block’ of ‘nastyness’ that ‘is against me’. Darkness everywhere. Very lonely. A lot of aggression in me. I assume that it is a projection of my own inner life. And now I take better care of myself, I like the outside world better.

So, happy that I quit. Although sometimes, sometimes I wonder if I could not just, just have 1 beer, ok, just have 2 six-packs and a bottle wine. Or 2, because if you do it you might as well do it ‘good’. Not because I need it, but just because I have shown that I don’t need it. Or so. Sigh. Happy that I quit. Missing some kind of physical reward. Need to look up how this reward issues work in addiction.

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11 thoughts on “Fake for real

  1. The Newsweek/Time mess is yet another of many, many reasons I told very few people about my journalism degree. I just didn’t want to have to defend myself, you know?

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    • Gheghegheghe, it must start to feel like working for the national railways….

      Journalism. That’s another one of those jobs where drinking alcohol is mandatory. :-/ Just out of curiosity: Is it possible to hold a position as a journalist without drinking alcohol? As in, do collegues accept that?

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  2. Nice. Not because you need it, because you’ve shown you don’t need it!

    Addicitive thinking at its finest.

    So, rewards help us feel like we are on the right path. I know I’m inclined to have a peanut butter cup or 5. Is there a treat that feels like a treat for you?

    If so, you deserve it because you are doing great!

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    • Ghegheghe, LOL, I had to look up what a peanut butter cup was! I sat here nailed to my chair, totally astounded because I thought you meant jar. And 5 of them! Gheghegheghegheghe….

      I’ve tried chips today, they were my favorite but my taste has TOTALLY changed and I dislike them. Nasty, nasty. Still ate them, and that is strange too.

      I’m going to look for a healthy thing. Sauna is good but expensive. And a little funny because now of the elderly blond god that works next doors and goes there almost daily after work and I need rest, not romance. (….. But maybe he is a gift of the sober god to me and now I am denying the gift… 😀 )

      Sooooo not there yet. 🙂

      And thank you for telling me that I do well. 🙂 Doing this without any private person around that knows about it is lonely. And compliments do help. There is another difference in me too; I can now be happy about a compliment, I used to brush them, not be able to ‘bear’ it (what would be the correct English for that?). Now I can be happy. So thank you. 🙂

      xx, Feeling

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  3. I love this post 🙂 – you sound so full of possibility! Apart from the blip at the end, obviously but we know you’re not doing that! I also feel much better today, and, just like you I am SO HAPPY to be so much clearer about everything.
    And, I’m not good at thinking of a reward and actually following through and making it happen/getting it for myself. It’s more of an ‘organic’ process where, if I see something I like I think ‘I am doing so effing brilliantly that I shall buy myself anything I wish!’. I did actually buy ‘reward’ stickers for my Filofax, so perhaps I’m better at it than I think 😉
    Hugs, waking xx

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    • 🙂 Glad you like it and glad you stopped by. I googled Filofax reward stickers. Nice! Did you get the coloured circles or something more designery?

      I have this jar with ‘not drinking money’. I used to determine every night how much I would have drank in that mood. Which is actually very funny because some days I would estimate I would drink like crazy and then the other day I would imagine that I had had good contact with friends and be happy and drink less – so little money in the jar. I should do that again and really spend the money too. Because THAT is exactly what I feel I deserve. No less, no more. Spending money that is really deserved feels very good. Maybe I’ll just save up for the other memory games I like, like the Twins ones. Or not worry about the costs of the sauna because I had already saved the money. 🙂

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      • The stickers I got are just kids stickers from paperchase, with little cartoons of food and ‘well done’ and ‘ace’. A bit childish, but they appealed to my love of stationery 😉

        Yea, I found it hard to keep a track of what happened to the money I would have spent on wine- the jar is a great idea, especially for the early days. I’ve spent a lot on the counselling but next time is my last, so I won’t have that outgoing, thank goodness!
        🙂 xx

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      • 🙂 Well done! Not childish, very good. 🙂

        Yes, counselling, and I spend a lot on sobriety books too and some on nutrients. But I find that those costs are health costs. So I am not counting them (although they ARE going out). At first I thought they should come out of my sobriety jar. And then there was this voice ‘That’s not fair!!’ 😀

        I know me, if there is something that I experience as unfair or unjust than I am going to rebel against it. After I decided I would stop there was a time that I drank less but coming up to the date that I had said I drank like a fish. Just to make sure I could never complain about ‘not having had enough’. Sounds like addictive thinking but it works. I know me, if I run more than I have to according to the schedule I’ll cut down on my running next time. Very childish, so I have to stick to the rules in order not to sabotage me. 🙂

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  4. My sober treats a large things on days that end with a zero. I just randomly picked that as a bench mark. The last big thing I bought was a new Coach bag to celebrate 290, I think.
    Daily though, I reward myself with a handful of dark chocolate M&M’s. I love them. I also figure they can’t possibly be the same caloric intake of on 1.5 ml bottle of wine every night. Plus they let me wake up with a clear head, and no self loathing. What is not to love?
    Keeping track of the money is easy. I had a 10.00 a day habit. I am at day 334, so that is 3,340.00. Soon I could buy a fur coat, if I liked that kind of thing. 🙂
    Stay strong!

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    • That is a nice saving. But I’m guessing the win that you have life wise is bigger. 🙂

      I’m trying to stay of the sugar, because that badly affects me and is said to stimulate cravings in people that have low bloodsugar. And it gets me depressed. So I need to resort to all kinds of things but NOT the sugar :-). Need to sort things out food wise.

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  5. Oh, you’re so right! That money shouldn’t come out of the jar – I never thought of it like that before!! 🙂
    I haven’t done any exercise at all, I keep saying it but I really should do some :/

    Liked by 1 person

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