Mojo

Those who have read the post from my former days know that I am struggling with my admin. Part of the struggle is ‘getting organised in this world / growing up’ and part of the struggle is having to deal with realising that the business I tried to set up is not succesful and I will have to return to my old job – either as an entrepreneur or as an employee. I assume you can guess why the business is not succesful? It is not succesful because I rather drank than really, really did what it took to build a business. I lacked focus and stamina. And maybe, maybe the idea in itself was shit and I got caught in the omnipotence of the alcohol addict. But I am not sure about that because everybody thought I had this amazingly good idea.

And in the meantime, in the last years, I have squandered my mothers inheritance. Not so much on booze, but on living and not earning money.

Does that hurt? Yes.

That’s what is going down when I do my admin.

Today my glasses broke. I can’t read without glasses, not within arms length. And I don’t have any back-up glasses because my eyes have turned extra bad in the last years. Getting new glasses takes up to 2 weeks.

So being in a very foul mood I turned to see if there was another episode of Masterchef online but the net started with a pastor speaking about ‘The lost son.’ from Luke. Lost for sure. For 2 weeks now I have been thinking of reading up on that, hoping I could find why anybody could be forgiven for something so stupid as I did. I never listen to anything religious, this just turned on while I opened the canal. πŸ™‚ Little miracles.

And then I got a phone call from my administrator, not the women I send my papers to but her boss. And he said: ‘I am going to tell you this straight, and if you don’t like it you may say so… but I think things are not looking good for you and I want to know what I can do to help you.’

I cracked up, broke down, started crying. He continued: ‘No matter what you feel about admin, that is not important, we need to look at options to get you back and working. You were wonderful at what you did before, (consultancy) everybody was very, very pleased with what you did for them – why not do that again? You know what, I’ll drop by tomorrow and we’ll talk about it. You are in a bad place now, but we can help you get out. You are not the only self employed customer we have that is feeling lost. But you get on your tailored suits again and go out there. You are intelligent, know your stuff, look good- and no, don’t worry about a few pounds here and there-, you look good, make a very positive impression – you can do this.’

Did you ever have your administrator say that to you? Well I DID! Today!! And no, in his case I do not think he was out of line. We have spoken very personal in earlier years. I am happy that I quit because somehow I connect to people differently and they are nicer. Or maybe I have never seen that? Don’t know.

Yesterday at the singing course a women I had only met 20 minutes before commented on her experiences and said she felt she received love in the assignment she and I were doing together. I did love her for the courage she exercised in standing and singing while she was actually scared shitless. Like the rest of us. ‘Breathe, center, let go, just be, just see what happens.’ This would have never happened if I had still been drinking.

And then I rang a former supplier of mine who had asked me about a software problem he was having. I proposed to work it out with his employee and also proposed to look at his digital drawings – see if I could standardize them and put my drawing software to use to make files for his customers. He said: ‘If this works you we would be very happy, I’d like to hear what you would be asking for that.’ The problem is making it work because the drawings are very technical and I would need insight in the product, so I should not be counting my sheep yet. (is that a saying?)

Promises is no money on the bank yet but this is good. This is the second business options this week. All out of the blue. πŸ™‚ I like out of the blue good things. No matter how bleak things look, I am starting to feel that I am getting my mojo back.

I am happy that I quit and like how real things are starting to feel. And not everything that I feel needs to be celebrated (with booze) or forgotten about (with booze).

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