I can only do it crying

Admin. Crying. Looking at the mess I made over the last few years, did some payments, a few of them overdue. All in all the payments are higher than I have earned for years so there is this sword above my head.

I did the opening of unopened letters while watching an episode of Masterchef. The opening and folding and selecting took 40 minutes. :-/

However, if I look at it positively I can say that I did not get any extra costs. And that is good. Even though it feels like I am totally out of control I guess it all could be worst. And I am finally doing it. Actually, it only took 15 minutes to do the payments. That is 1/3rd of watching Masterchef. God I lack perspective.

On to step 2: selecting invoices for my health insurance and sending them to get money back. That would be good. That is money in instead of money out.

Spent 30 minutes sorting papers that have been in a pile for about 4 years…. Crying, singing, crying and singing. Need to get out, need to breathe. Walls creeping up on me.

I think this is about it for today. I had planed to have it all finished today. That’s not going to happen obviously. No insight here, no perspective, no idea of time. Pffllll… Just doing it, well, that’s what I did with the dentist at first. Just go. Here I just do. Hoping that the structuring shapes me instead of the other way around. 🙂

We’ll see.

Been singing along with the Beatles. Love this song. Take of the heaven and the hell (reward and punishment) and live for the day, life in peace.


4 thoughts on “I can only do it crying

  1. Well done feeling!! You’re doing great! A bit at a time and things will soon be all sorted out 🙂
    I hope you’re feeling better for having made a start.
    Oh and excellent news about the new work possibility – best of luck with it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! 🙂 Still crying here over a bunch of papers. And realising that I have always been best in class and once succesfully ran a department of 5 people and after that ended I let it all go, drank it all away.

      Loads of reasons to cry. Or loads of learning opportunities. I’m sticking with the crying currently. Saying goodbye to what was. Not fully ready for the world outside. We shall see. Not to worry about tomorrow because that is not here.


      • Feeling, I’m sorry this so tough 😦 I think you’re really brave confronting your fears over the admin, and the things it represents. Try not to be too hard on yourself as you work through this process, and maybe just do a (small) set amount of time each day if you feel up to it.
        I guess at this point, you are literally feeling your way back into life 🙂 And feelings are coming up about the past, which must be so hard to go through. Myself, I must be in some kind of denial because I think I have A LOT to work through but it’s not really surfacing yet…. You touched on the guilt thing in an earlier post, and I think mine is buried deep somewhere. It’s there….
        But as I said before, I believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the information available, even us, even when we were ‘drinking it all away’.
        And even though you don’t feel ready for tomorrow yet, try not to worry, because there IS a tomorrow, and you WILL get there.
        Remember: It will all be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end;)


      • Thank you Waking up. 🙂 It is hard and I don’t want to sound like I feel I must be pitied but it is nice to know that my struggle has been read and that I, when it comes to that, am not totally alone in this. It is hard to do everything on my own.
        But, I’ve got about 10 to 15 piles of papers sorted by subject today, chucked away about 10cm high of outdated nonsense so I guess I am getting somewhere. The payments are not ‘nagging’ anymore. Not making my deadline but I guess the deadline has to adjust to my speed now.
        Tomorrow, it’s almost there. And I am feeling all right-ish.
        Thank you again, xx Feeling.


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