So much for the Facebooklike post. And you want to know why I don’t evolve, well because it is fucking difficult!
‘No you think it is difficult, you have done this before. You can do it.’
‘NOOO, this time it is much more.’
‘Then think how much better you will feel afterwards.’
‘All the problems that you have exist simply because you don’t want to grow up. At some level we don’t want to take responsibility.’
‘NOOOOOOO, well, YESSSSSSSSS! I don’t want to grow up!!
Sigh, what about asking for help? The only one that I know is smart in what I am doing is a person that berates me for everything I do so that is very uncomfortable. Or I only choose her so I can exactly not help me. I never know that with me. I don’t like admin because it confronts me with where I am failing. I don’t want to fail, if I fail I don’t have the right to live so I can’t really fail.
‘Is this how you feel about others too?’
‘Because failing is human.’
‘So why can others fail and you not?’
‘Because I am a super human.’
‘You are the superhuman and your superpower is not doing admin?’
‘YES!! When I stall and stall and stall (and drink enough) it will go away. I will not feel it.’
My rational brain does know that my reactions are ‘nonsense’ and that I panick into sovereignty or arrogance but also I do not know how to approach this intense fear of failure. My ‘thinking’ goes into panick mode immediately.
Maybe it is like going to the dentist; don’t worry, just do it, it will be over in half an hour. I learned to go to the dentist. It took me about 3 years and a good dentist. I actually am ‘thinking’ of making dentist appointments to get my old metal fillings out right now just to outweigh the fear of admin that I have. If it were somebody elses admin I would just do it, no problem. I can not ‘carry it’, it is too heavy. But it is not! I have done this before. I can do it. There is a part of my brain that does not believe that, it goes into panick mode immediately.
Wondering how I did that with drinking. With drinking I had a rock bottom and that propelled me towards finding solutions. Part of that rock bottom is my meagre financial situation. I need to fix this admin issue if I want to stay sober. Hmmm, that makes a difference. Now there is a big picture and admin is a part of it. People that are afraid of spiders do not realise the size of the animal. I might not realise the size of the admin. Maybe it is smaller?
Did I tell you I may have an outlook on very nice work? I was on a fair yesterday and I got into a really nice conversation with people who were active in my former business. I will follow-up on it on Wednesday. There is a good thing about being sober: I connect better with people. Maybe I should try to maintain that same centering that I do with new people on admin, not jump out into fear. Ha! Ghegheghe… there at least is a way of telling myself how and when I ‘take off’ into panick.
Try 783 on the admin coming up. 🙂