Today I tried 3 times to write a post. Nothing came of it. I would start and then not feel like it anymore and start to edit them. Change sentences so they were ‘more polite’ and delete parts because they were ‘not in line with the story’ while actually I was hiding stuff and hiding behind ‘politeness’. I wondered what was wrong, no I wondered how I could fix it. I thought a few bottles of wine would do the trick. 😦
I did not. By the time I was in the shop I had forgotten all about it, but it is there and I am scared. There is this black cloud hovering over me and I can’t find my happy-switch anymore so I am pretty sure doom awaits me. Which in itself is a very addicty thing to think but knowing that does not change that I have these feelings.
Not sure when the cloud came into my life again. Ever since the trip to my homeland a week ago I felt like ‘Ooh, I can do this sobriety thing!’ I have been reading posts on people having difficulties that I never had and somehow these thoughts magically turn into the conclusion that ‘My drinking was not that bad.’ What about this one ‘I would not think I could moderate, I would binge so I am not fooling myself, so I am not addicted’. I actually believed it. No, I still believe it. So I stepped onto my next level of security: Everything and everybody that says ‘drink’ should be distrusted, ‘not drink’ is the only thing that is good. ‘But that counts for people who are addicted, and I am not otherwise I would be drinking, so I might as well drink.’
I am writing this down and I hope that everybody sees the absurdity of it. I still don’t. I am writing it down because I need to and need to write and work through this but I still somehow believe I should drink. ‘Way better, way easier, I’ve been such a good girl for so long and it has not been easy on me so I might as well have a drink, just a bottle or 2 or 3, as a reward.’
‘There are people out there that say that relapse helped them to quit, so how bad can it be? I might even miss an opportunity of growth if I do not relapse a little.’ (Sorry, sorry, sorry ten times over for misusing your struggle to try to get me drinking again. 😦 )
After the cockyness of ‘I can do it all’ the blond god came along and got my all out of whack and I just, dunno, want to be happy, to belong. Not be alone. Bring my boat into a haven somewhere. And I can’t because I am afraid contact would damage my sobriety because I have no skills yet in staying centered during such contact. My last relationship I started off sober as I had said I’d go a year without. I was not drinking as bad as I was 3 months ago then but I thought I should take a year off, see what happens. I had been almost sober for 6 months and added another real sober 5 months to it but the nasty bitch of a boyfriend I had did not want to drink alone so he kept pushing and pushing and pushing me to drink.
In the end he blackmailed me by saying things like ‘Please don’t spoil this dinner by being so insistent, what harm can a little glass do?’ I should have shoved the bottle down his treacherous throat. And yes I know I am responsible for my own drinking. As I would have been responsible for shoving the bottle down. I should have done the second, not the first. Villainous bastard he was. Did not want to drink alone, needed an accomplice otherwise he would be confronted with his own relation to booze. And yes I was stupid enough to provide him every excuse he needed.
This morning I was invited to a breakfast concert by a friend. We listened to some beautiful classical music. Within seconds the cello player took me to other realms, so beautiful. It had the same quality to it as the music from the movie Habla con ella; it speaks of life and the endlessness of it. Just as this flute player I copied in here does so wonderfully. In my life I keep on thinking that if I have done something I can relax and all will be ok. That’s not how it works. I keep forgetting that life continues.
We had a wonderful morning were we both shared stories of our struggle with life and how we overcame difficulties.
I came home and found in my inbox a letter from the admin office that I needed to hand in my admin. I had forgotten about that because of well, everything. So this is the first real life thing coming up since my sobriety about 2 months ago. I have never liked this but now it is even worse… being confronted with the my bank-account and all the money going out, nothing coming in… it is difficult.
And then I thought I might as well do my online training because I don’t feel like anything else and it worked out that today I did the last one. So… gone. Well, I could log in under an other name if I liked. That would be possible. And I will get access again in a while. It’s just, I don’t know. Sometimes that can feel like being dumped by a computer programme and today is the day.
Being happy about quitting went downhill from there. And now I am writing and hoping that like all the other nights I get a vision or an insightful thought that magically makes me see how it al works and helps me to continue quick and easy…. Pffff. No I am not addicted, I just act like an addict.
Organic growth. Tomorrow I might as well try the happy thought out on admin. I mean, I can not for the rest of my life stay in this admin prison I created. I used to be really good at it, before I started drinking seriously. 😦 Pfffff. Sobriety is ok, it’s the work that comes with it, the not being able to flush things away that is difficult. And rewarding, bla bla bla bla. Not today. Today it is real work and I fear tomorrow. Which is exactly the point: if I would not fear it, I would not, well, fear it. My inner voice tells me to look upon it as gathering stuff for packing for a holiday. This is the same practice. Follow the list, gather what is on it, check the list, pack it nicely, hand it over to the lady. I can do that. And afterwards I will not drink in order to flush away the stress and frustration.
I will go to the sauna. Shit! Grrrrrrr!!!!!
On how to complicate life. Let’s see what tomorrow brings. 🙂 Need to sleep. Again 1 hour after bedtime. Not good. What does the AA HALT say again? Hunger, Anger, Lonely and Tired. Yes, I can control most of those and I still don’t. Again, that is funny. I have the right and the duty to take care of me. But I don’t because I am scared things will break again if they get fixed. Time to step out of this view of self that is determined by my view of others. Tomorrow, not now.
Happy-ish that I quit, actually only because I think it is good for me to be happy(ish). ‘Being happy is a very good antidote to being unhappy’. Yes smartass, thank you. 😀