I have read it. And I am not totally convinced about it being a very good book. But hey, maybe, maybe it is difficult to judge a book that is about self-deception. You never know…
To me the book(let) reads like a good list of subjects that are part of the structure of addictive thinking. And that is about it. If you are looking for a quick, I am guessing, complete read, take this book. If you are looking for causes of addictive thinking, or cases and examples that illustrate the addictive thinking structure, find another book. And please tell me what it’s called…
I cannot deny that my thinking has been formed by my addiction. Aaah pfffff, I am writing this not for myself but for you. And I love you all. 🙂 I would have never thought that posting on a blog and getting to know people a little, reading replies and receiving input and new ideas would be of such value to me, to my process. But these paragraphs above here are written with a reader (not so much a person but suddenly I have this imagined critical reader – still a bit scared for Mr. Twerski I guess….) in mind and that shapes my thoughts into a path that leaves no room for error. And the good thing about being anonymous….. is that I can shamelessly say the things that bug me, that make me feel stupid. Sigh…
Sometimes I so do not want to be me. And other times I have loads of fun with me. Too. Not now.
Yesterday I planned to be precise and crisp. That paralyzed me. I have not done 1 thing of the plan today. Already I am 1 hour late for bed. I think I am going to let go till I meet my therapist Wednesday. I DID check out job vacancies. No action yet, but I did check some out and thought well about it. I was not scared. That is good. I do feel I am in this in between passage. Going back is not an option and the future is non-existent. I feel I have created this time-free zone of nothingness around me and it floats through life. If I wake up I will suddenly realise that I have spent the last don’t know how many weeks or months or years in nothingness. And I guess I feel I need this nothingness to protect me from the outside world I feel I can not deal with until I find my footing. Crying now.
That is the point. I have no idea of how footing feels. All my life I have felt like this little ship and there is no haven, always on sea. I just don’t know. Don’t know what to do. Which is funny because I have all these skills and options, always had that, but I just don’t know how to align them. Omnipotent feelings working? I do not know.
I am very skilled in quite some fields, above average intelligence, I pick things up easily, good hands for making things. I just added ‘very technical’ but that makes me look like an Asperger and I do not want to look like one. My father is. I have been tested a while ago and I am not. Still do not truly believe it though because I feel so out-of-place in this world. Sometimes I feel very connected and moments like now? I just do not know how I can live in this immense loneliness. And there is very little people around me can do to change it because is has nothing to do with people. It has to do with me, something that should work that does not work. Something is broken and I do not know what.
I visited my elderly neighbour this evening. She was born into a family of 9 children, 5 of which have died before 55. Her husband had severe epilepsy but she only found out on her wedding night, everybody else knew. Her only child was ill in his first 4 years and did not develop ‘properly’. While her husband got unemployed because of his disease she fell from her balcony 3 stories down and broke everything apart from her link to life. That was years and years ago but she still takes painkillers daily and can only walk 500 meters in a row, max. And if she does she needs extra painkillers. She has a life threatening hereditary heart disease. This and 20 other disastrous stories she told me today. All of it has become a static story, she tells it and I can actually recognise the sentences she has used earlier to tell me the exact same story. No air, no change, very static misery.
And I think by myself: who am I to speak of being broken myself? How dare I waste so much life and potential? I don’t know. And this is a part where I do not want to be touched. Where I blame myself for wasting my life. Omnipotence is said to be a part of addictive thinking. I was about 5 when I decided that I wanted to be president of the USA. That must have been when Ford was elected. I am pretty sure I did not even know what my own country looked like. Why the fuck did I not ever want to be a housewife and have children? Nice, cosy, homely. God, I’m even good at making jelly, the old fashion way, with real sugar for fuck’s sake!!!! ‘Cause she doesn’t know what pleases.’ Which is also a sentence in the Buffy the vampire slayer musical ‘Once more with feeling’. HEY!!!! that is about me?????????!!! Once more with FEELING, that would be me. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
Time for some music. Well, musiclike something, she’s not the best voice in town, but I love it. Buffy has died and was in heaven and her friends have magiced her back into life, now she has trouble adjusting. She is the vampire slayer so she has a night job fighting vamps and other nasty creatures.
Happy that I quit. Tired. I need to add some doing and fun to my life otherwise I am getting nowhere. Just do not know how to get started. Do not think soooo much. Get started, starting is about doing, not about thinking. And so I went to bed. 🙂
Goodnight / Good morning / Good day,