Shoving it out there

Time. Time. Time. Time is a good concept and I screwed it up within me.

Twerski says people with addictive thinking mess with time (in their heads). I feel it has to do with shoving stuff out of the way. I did the lying, the denial and dodging consequences by changing plans. Plan and results / consequences are measurements of time, they give meaning to time, or? And I did the drinking more to not feel the feeling of doing things wrong. I am still doing it. I don’t want to be crisp and precise, it hurts, it shows me how I am lacking. I don’t like people that are crisp and precise, I feel stupid and guilty around them. I used to be crisp and precise. That was long time ago. Need to get back to that.

I thought I had let go of friends that would support drinking when I would finally quit. But I notice now that I hung on to people that are not precise. And I have let go of people that plan well and really make something of their life. I feel they don’t like me anymore because there is always something wrong with me and there is always a reason why I am not succesful with my own enterprise. I say ‘tired of doing it all by myself’ and ‘depressed’ and those are true, but in fact it was drinking and drinking. Now it is repair and repair.

So, in order to get back on the horse I need to be aware of the shoving and ditch it. (nice… ditching the shoving…) Face what is really happening with me. I am afraid. I can’t. Tried a little yesterday. It was horrible. The guilt is unbearable, don’t even dare to go there. GP1 said: ‘So the shame about your addiction prevents you from doing something about it. That is not very logical….’ So I quit, it took a while from there on but I kept that thought with me along the way. I feel what I do now is the same stuff but I can’t work it out. Can’t get my brain around it while it feels like it is right in front of me. Aah, I need to repair and get a healthy concept of time again but the guilt I feel over messing this up keeps me from getting healthy. There you are. πŸ™‚

I think by now. well, by yesterday, I was hoping I had build me a bypass by happiness. I just quit and left the guilt and the feeling bad about the shoving for what it is. Guilt is not usefull, but it is there, and it needs to go, or be transformed, or what do you do with guilt? Because it shapes my actions and thoughts in a bad way.

Time to let go of the free floating structure of The Plan and make it precise. See what happens and what comes on the road. Am I ready to do that? I would be delighted to be able to do it. But I am not looking forward to the work that goes into being precise and not doing the shoving. Feel I need to read the Tibetan book of living and dying again. To me that is about feeling my way through choices. No. Trap 1: No other subject. Trap 2: No reading. Doing.

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7 thoughts on “Shoving it out there

  1. Yes, there is work to be done. I think I know what you mean. It’s great being all the way out here on 70-odd days, but I feel as though I need to make some progress. To make my life whole again without the wine. I do feel whole, I feel good, until some ‘issue’ sneaks its way back in to my life, and there is no avoiding it.
    With no coping mechanism, what do you do? How do you (how does ‘one’) deal with stuff properly? I have very little experience of successfully coping with problems because of my previous history with alcohol.
    And yes, the real feelings about that crazy relationship with wine… I haven’t really gone down that road yet either.
    ???? oooffffff! πŸ˜€

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    • I don’t know how to deal with stuff properly. I sort of think to know that I should pay attention to my intentions and what I do. What I do first is blog like crazy, it helps me find out where the pain is and what I am afraid of. You might have noticed that in my blog I allow myself to say and do stupid stuff. It’s work in progress, not perfect.
      I also ask myself: what is your fear, what is your desire, what is your expectation? These feelings / thoughts tend to set the stage for a solution, in a good or a bad way. And from there I feel my way through. But I still jump from over confidence to no confidence. I guess it will settle in time when my vision has gotten clearer too. But I am happy that I quit. Otherwise we would not be sharing these thoughts and worries now. πŸ™‚ I would just be drinking, watching whatever tv. No, this is way better. πŸ™‚ Happy that I quit, happy that you quit.

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      • Thank you πŸ™‚ This IS way better, I agree. And I really hope you find a way to let go of the guilt. You’re doing so well with everything, and you deserve to be free of it πŸ™‚

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  2. Even if you don’t want to do the work right now, you are willing to at least see what work you need to do. Willingness is the beginning. The rest will come. We didn’t get here over night. We can’t get out over night either. Be gentle with yourself. You are going in the right direction.

    Hugs.

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    • πŸ™‚ Yes, not overnight, true. Thank you! I forget that time and time again. Still feeling all powerfull and able to ‘magically’ ‘improve’ myself ‘in seconds’. Of course, always everything in no time. πŸ™‚

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  3. I meant to say something before on the subject of guilt, but I didn’t know how to put it… I’ve found ‘The Tao of Sobriety’, by David Gregson and Alan Marlatt, which I’m thinking of buying… (I know – another ‘Tao of…’!)…and this is in the ‘look inside’ bit of the Amazon listing:
    ‘People do not wake up one morning on the sunny side of life and suddenly decide to throw everything away and mess up their lives with drugs and alcohol. The world just doesn’t work that way. People always do what they do for good and sufficient reasons. So, regardless of your past circumstances, actions and feelings, we intend to think of you as _innocent_in_spirit_.’
    Basically, I think people are generally do the best they can with the information and beliefs they have at the time. Even including us, even when we were drinking. There had to be that moment, when our belief changed – we began to believe we could live free from alcohol. Before that, we didn’t believe we could. I don’t think we should feel guilty that we were unable to envisage an alternative.
    πŸ™‚

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