The postman brought new books! Amongst which ‘Addictive Thinking – understanding self deception’ by Abraham J. Twerski. I have read the first few pages and believe I am in for a bumpy ride. It is about the nonsense addicts think and say to cover up the addiction. I call it junk speak – which in itself is addictive thinking because I am not a junk, I was (am?) alcohol dependent. Somehow, addictive thinking also has very much parallels to students telling me why they have not done their homework. 😉 But I am not supposed to say that because one might think that I am trying to down talk the addictive thinking… And I should not have said thát because it implies that I value socially acceptable answers above the truth – which is very addicty… And why would I even know that one could value the one above the other if I did not consider lying…. Aaaaaahrggggg!!!!!
Fucking get out of my mind! Piss off! And, maybe, just maybe, that is the whole point where I object against the (assumed?) tone of people speaking about addictive thinking. Fighting windmills here. I was going to put a grinning smiley here but I remember now how the invading interrogations of my mother and other adults left me baffeled and totally depleted much like I expect this subject to be. I grew up with 4 adults in the house. Nowhere to hide.
And I? About students and kids making excuses, or an addicted neighbour of mine, she repeats my funny stories to me with herself as the main subject?!! That is sad and la little embarrising but she thinks I am weird when I don’t laugh about her story. Difficult to deal with and I hate her lying about everything. Loosing jobs e.g., she turns up drunk, gets fired and the boss is an ass… Which brings us right to page 16:
Ironically, another characteristic of adddictive thinking is that while it distorts the thinking of addicts about themselves, it may not affect their attitudes towards others.
It is all nasty stuff, addictive thinking. But I feel I need to understand this because it feels like a big part of addiction and, with not doing the AA route and not telling people in my private life about my drinking addiction it is part of what I am missing out of so I’ld better get my hands on some material.
Unfortunately Twerksi continous:
Remember this, for it is important: Identification of addictive thinking must come from outside the addict.
Couldn’t you have told me that before I bought the book?! Well, suit yourself, since you say it is of no use to me I don’t have to read it. 😀 That was a joke. I guess. And that was the second joke. I am not supposed to say ‘I guess’ because, well, if you analyse the language content it is ‘hazy’ in the addict kind of unclear. Blablabla. As you see I am right into it. 🙂
So what’s with all the talking and the jokes? Not happy here. I am afraid of the paranoia that builds up immediately in me when dealing with the subject of addictive thinking. It is one of my big fears. I do know my thinking and acting got seriously screwed up by the alcohol. I noticed parts of my behaviour change and noticed starting to lie about stuff like saying I was tired after dinner and going home to have a few drinks (a few? LOADS!). I’d quickly hide empty bottles when visitors would arrive unannounced. I found it very dishonering. It made me sad and desperate and feel worthless about myself – that became part of what I wanted to drown. Strange that writing about that ignites craving. Must be a trigger.
And I, I still I continued drinking. Why? Because I knew I was addicted and thought / knew (?) I could not stop. I am guessing at that time I could not and that I stopped at them moment I could. But I will never know because alcohol is addictive, baffling and cunning and addiction will tell the drinker anything it wants and I bought into it. Well, no use in digging, waste of energy, need to focus on things that can and need to be changed. Or?
Happy that I did quit when I could. Happy in a tired way. I guess I hoped I was done and ready, seeing how easy everything went up to now. Works out that there’s a lot of stuff uncovered. Don’t want to go there. When I wrote this yesterday I became immensely tired of the darkness and the sudden racing of my brain. 😦 This is the first post I ‘edited’ a day after. Why? Quess paranoia, wanting to get it right. Don’t want to be ‘caught’. Which in itself…. pffffff.
It’s only a thin book, and small. So I’ll get to the next book ‘The Realm of the hungry ghost’ quickly. I am fantasising now that it should make for some lighter reading :-D. Which in itself is a time issue that is…. pfffffff. Aaaaahrgggggg!!!!!
Again, happy that I quit, but only so because I don’t have to do the previous weeks again. Proud? Nope. Apprehensive. Yes.