15 Minutes alarm

Put The Plan out here today. And to remind me and check on me I set my (kitchen) alarm every 15 minutes. Put a sticker on the alarm to say I need to check what/how I feel, relax if I am not relaxed and check if I am following the plan. It’s my variation on the productivity check techniques I learned at business school :-).

The technique is working. I am not following the plan too well yet. I have spend I think 3 hours on The Plan while I actually needed those to do what was in The Plan. Pffffff. I still need 7 minutes of cleaning and 15 minutes of cupboard reorganising or so. AND I have not done any work for my GP3 meeting this Thursday. I did stick to my eating schedule which is good.

Deviations: blog reading and -commenting, Facebook chat, visiting the foundling to see if he had certain features a possible owner spoke off. He did not. Speaking with the new owners. Then speaking with an other neighbour that I handed the next pieces of carrot cake that I got from this domestic goddess man. (don’t tell…). And I had not counted in doing shopping.

What did I learn:

– I can plan a day including the evening but in the evening I want to do unplanned things. Could be the same but planning restricts me. So I’d better work harder during the day. Let’s see…

– I spend a lot of time doing things like blog reading and writing that I had not planned. Need to think about that.

– The more the day proceeds the less relaxed I get because I feel guilty that I have not stuck to my planning. There is another thing with me and work or planning or life: I can never be happy with what I did. It should have been better….

I will see what tomorrow brings. I’m gonna do my online anti-addiction training now and that’s it.

Happy that I quit, but it’s getting normal I guess. Not happy with how I deal with the plan yet but maybe I should give myself some time. I keep on thinking that I can hear you all think: Da fack?! Doesn’t have a job, can’t even plan 15 minutes of cleaning in a day?!! Well, that is where my struggle is. I let myself go for a long long time. Not proud anymore, getting myself down with The Plan. BULL!! I am doing exactly what I should be doing. This IS how it IS!! I can only leave from where I am. I need to remind me not to put the blame on me; this is exactly how strong alcohol is. And, it did get me at my weakest point guess. Well, there is no better time than now. (Or rather tomorrow….;-))

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6 thoughts on “15 Minutes alarm

  1. I soooo get where you are coming from. I tried very hard to make use of all my time during the summer holidays, and I really do know that feeling of getting closer to the end of the day and wondering where it all went. Even though I was making progress on my to-do list – used my Filofax every day to help me organise myself. But the time just flew! I swear I wasn’t wasting time – no games, no daytime TV or films etc. At the end of it I had a frenzied ‘I’ve wasted all my time’ feeling. Back at work and I’m too tired on weekday evenings to do stuff (lots of appointments this last couple of weeks after work for one thing and another as well). BUT I really need to unfuck my desk for a start, and do cleaning and all the rest of it!!
    Good luck with tomorrows Plan. Maybe call it an ‘Action Plan’? You’ve inspired me to create my own Action Plan!! πŸ˜€

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    • Thank you for your reply! πŸ™‚ Ghegheghe, Action Plan, that is a good thing! It hints at really taking action and it is not out there only as ‘The Plan’. Which, now you mention it, feels rather alienating, if not frightening. πŸ™‚ On second thoughts, that is EXACTLY how I feel about The Plan. πŸ˜€
      And thank you again because I have this second insight: I don’t believe I can do it! Ha! Did not know that. This whole plan thing is an exercise in trying to get control while I don’t even believe that I can do it. Funny. The worst thing I found, about addiction, is the thought that it is uncurable and that I can’t do shit to help myself. Which is utter BS I have discovered but I might as well apply this ‘Yes we can approach’ to the Action Plan too, if I don’t believe I can do it, it will never work. Ha! πŸ™‚

      You sound very busy, work and evening appointments? I would not be able to deal with that. Well I’m only in about 6 weeks and I have always been a loner but I really need time to wind down. Realising now that I have never tried a job and evening appointments together without the drinking. Hmmm. New! πŸ™‚

      I am looking forward to hearing how you are getting on with your Action Plan. πŸ™‚ There is part in blogging where I feel it makes me accountable, I hope to use that as a tool to…. Well, no, I should be responsible, not I in relation to others, just I and hopefully with help from others. πŸ™‚ Gonna give that a try! No, no trying, I will use my abilities to learn to take responsibility for the parts of life that I do not like. This is the biggest issue in my life, it has always felt bigger than drinking. It is scary, but also glad to be finally dealing with it. πŸ™‚

      Happy that I quit and proud of it! πŸ™‚ Now quit the blogging and start doing stuff!!!

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      • Oh, the evening stuff is like doctor, optician, counsellor, stuff like that – not meeting people socially or anything. I am more than happy keeping myself to myself – quite a loner too if I’m not careful!
        I also used to think I couldn’t (or couldn’t easily) do anything to help myself, but now I know I can – eg getting sober – I’m going to try to apply that to the action plan. To see it as doing things to help myself. There are outcomes I want to achieve, and focusing on them will hopefully make it seem less like a string of meaningless tasks.
        Will keep you posted! πŸ˜€

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  2. I grew up in San Diego,California, and learned pretty early on to identify tourists. They were simply the ones so busy running around having a good time they were way too busy to relax. In the early days of your recovery here you remind me of a tourist in San Diego.

    Relax.

    It will all come in due time if and when you take your recovery seriously enough to trust a Higher Power to to work in you and walk with you — to affect change within you when you give him permission to do so — and to heal you, since you obviously aren’t doing too well at healing yourself. That’s quite to be expected.

    My sense is that ultimately you’ll find this battle — and it is exactly that — much more worthy when you go through it with others just like yourself. That certainly doesn’t mean you’ll always be in a “group” but it does mean you can have others around to help you walk through some of the more difficult stuff.

    Hang in there, kiddo. I am thrilled you have the courage and determination to make your struggle known. You’re on my daily prayer list.

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