The day continued. I am back to normal. Not depressed, not suicidal, just a little tired and still awed by what happened last night. And yes, blaming me because I should have known better. But actually, it has been a gift, and as gifts come they are always two-sided.
I continued with poisoning myself with raw shiitakes so I spent a few hours hugging the toilet. Did anybody know you should not eat shiitakes raw, as in raw up to not thoroughly cooked as I did? Had a nice noodle soup with green beans, been sprouts, pork and…. undercooked shiitakes.
This is my 4th or 5th encounter with nature in 3 years where I get physical, temporary, damage from thing other people can just stomach. Doctor Joan Mathews Larson says that alcohol damages the body in such a way that it can not deal with any other poisons anymore and alcoholics become very sensitive to everything. This might be why the anesthetic of my dentist took 2 days to leave my body and it took 2 weeks to fully get my feel back in my cheek. Dangerous. And yes I am being hypocritical now. Worrying about details while drugging myself for years with alcohol. But I need to start somewhere with taking care of me.
About The Plan to organise my life. It is there in a draft version. I just (just?) have not put it to work yet. I am only trying to get the sleeping and eating right but even these get mixed up. I must use this blog to its fullest so from now on I will write why The Plan did HAAAAAHAHAAAHAA… see that? This sentence was going to be; I will write why The Plan did not happen. Ghegheghe. I think I know why The Plan is not happening. Somebody is procrastinating and dodging it…. Who might that be?
Ok. Today it did not work because I woke up on the middle of the night with a panic attack / depression that needed attention. I had to get up and at least get the idea that I was not alone in this. Writing helps to maintain that fantasy. That is ok.
So then I ate at 9:00 something and went to bed again because I was tired. Well all in all, the only thing I can do right is eat well (done) and go to bed before 23:30 today.
Sort of happy that I quit, still shaken from last night. And the shiitake party in my belly was no fun either. I thought quitting would be about cravings and personal history, dealing with that and getting spiritual but it actually looks a great deal like normal life. Not very proud anymore, disappointment about me and The Plan is creeping in. Time to take action. Tomorrow….