Slowly connecting

Had a dream last night, it was all important but I forgot. I really need to make the headboard to the bed so I can sit up and write without leaving the bed and forgetting the dream. One thing I did remember though is that in the dream people and I spoke. They were not doing what I wanted yet but. There was interaction other than despise and dislike or plain disinterest. New! And the people in the dream where not all of the same opinion – normally that would be; against me. 😦 New!

I read up on self-destruction and self-hate the other day. And I have been wondering; if I feel my way through the world, I don’t know anybody that actually likes him/herself. It is a big thing in the sober blog world too, although I have not yet seen posts that actually have it as a subjects. There are sentences here, a sentence there.

I might know maybe 3 people, but these are people who have tons of people knowledge and skills. But I am not socially in contact with those so I don’t know their private lives. I would be guessing that my actual world is a little skewed and that I make a selection of people to socialize with. And.. that I would not react well to people who like themselves. Sorry world! 😦  Or is it one of these Love Hate Knowlegde things where you, either hate yourself, love yourself and then as you proceed come to know yourself and not specifically ‘love’ or ‘hate’. Dunno.

Voice in my head: Feeling, it is ok to love. Loving is part of being human.

It feels like, no, it used to feel like something I was not allowed to do because ‘When I hate myself, at least I am doing something good.’ Now things have changed, I quit drinking, I am happy and proud of it. Loving me is possible.

Thinking, remembering, feeling the meeting with my divine spark again. Years ago I did a few ayahuasca ceremony because I felt dead after my mother had died. Like a big part of me had gone with her. It felt like every cell of my body wast totally lost. Disintegrating.

My inner voice introduced me to my ‘divine spark’. It was beautiful. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. It did take hours of internal work before I could believe it and look at it and trust myself and the world that it was within me, and every person, animal and plant for that matter. Ayahuasca ceremonies are a good thing, it is like a year of therapy in one session. (Sorry to the reader I think I do not have to say sorry to about this… 🙂 ). But the work is to put the experience back into the real world. It’s nice to be all happy and loving when stoned. But that’s not the point. Putting it back into attitude, intentions and behaviour is the point.

Which of course I did not, I returned to drinking within I believe 2 weeks after. But I knew what to head for. And that’s good. And about a year ago, in a session with my therapist I found it back, without the ayahuasca. And the last days, ever so now and then, when writing, or when reading on the balcony the experience returns. Happy now. 🙂

Happy that I quit. Proud of it. Content with the organic process that followed quitting.

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