High as a kite

I started writing this morning and things developed so again it is one of those posts that start with something and end in a different direction.

I’m high as a kite. Not sure what from. It is Saturday, I’ve arranged a date with friends tomorrow for breakfast and visiting a museum, and all the old monuments are open in our city this weekend so looking forward to that. Going to the ecological market in a sec, looking forward to that too.

And, I mailed a guy I am sort of interested in, we worked together on a project and had this very strong attraction which I thought was human to human and then he found out that I was 10 years older than him (while he thought I was about the same age, alcohol preserves?) and he reacted all disappointed and looked at me all strange like I had betrayed him. That made me think it was not human to human from his side. And ever since there it has been strange, like I should be ashamed or so. Shit, why do I even bother? No, I am mixed up because him being disappointed showed that he had interests and I had not gotten there because I would have never believed he would have been interested because I have seen two of his ex-girlfriends with whom he is still befriended and jeeeeeez they are gorgeous. Like ‘Doutzen Kroes, move out of the way gorgeous’ AND intelligent, AND nice, AND interesting AND having all these social skills that I lack AND modest AND then he dumps them because gets confused about something. Why do I bother?

Because he is nice, here it comes; he reminds me of my brother, we get on like my brother and I used to do when things were good and it feels like home. He is from the same place where I grew up, both have moved out. And then when he was disappointed I thought ‘maybe he likes me?!!’ And then I got all confused because I-am-stupid-and-I-don’t-have-the-right-to-think-I-can-be-liked. And who would want an old, oversized, not-succesful, alcoholic that is lacking social skills anyway? And of course I fell in love immediately because he did not like me (anymore). Grrrrrrr. How to choose guys that are not good for you?

I have always been a cradle snatcher, don’t like older guys, the remind me of my dad. And he does not want kids so that is not a problem and I am on my pink cloud and doing stupid stuff. So, I can add in my physical and emotional list that it takes about 3 weeks for sex drive to return. That has taken I guess 3 or 4 years.

I should not be walking this path right now. I mailed him. There is something so very stupid in this. Hope he does not reply. Something tells me I’m on a crash course – not booze wise, just energy, power, interaction. Ha, coming on too strong. That’s it. Sooooo, that’s not going to work and if it is, it is going to be disastrous.

Yeah. CRASH!!! Crying now, feeling my erratic energy. I’m ashamed of that. I have the idea that my energy is so strong that people I know can feel it through the air. It is that connection that you have when the phone rings and you know who it is even though you haven’t looked at your phone and haven’t seen the person in months. It is that connection where you suddenly think of somebody from your highschool, op up LinkedIn and there is their link request. I have questioned boyfriends about it and they confirmed. Point is, the intention of the energy is not good. Currently it hooks on and claims because I WANT. Very nasty. What to do, what to do? Crashed.

The last contact with him was about going to a specific bar and today I replied on saying that I didn’t want to go anymore because I had quit drinking because it makes me depressed. That’s what I’m telling people now. Might as well use the skills that I learned when drinking to cover up my not drinking. Or, not? Learning to be pragmatic and flexible. That would be new. :-). He replied that he’d been thinking of stopping too but had been putting it of. But his mom gets depressed from it and that he was very sad she still drinks. He also said that he was moving house and city, just had a new girlfriend, been very busy with work and house and city a girlfriend, and questioned whether I was going to drop by at an anniversary. And that is good. Door closed. Disaster prevented. Don’t want to go through this rollercoaster of imagined and projected emotions anymore. Waaaaaaaay too soon. But, week 3: sex drive returns.

So I went shopping and OD-ed on lemons, celery, carrots, apples and cucumber for my juices and the RIGHT kind of catfood. I had bought another kind. She has been bothering me all night long.

Happy that I quit. The things I go through now are things that have been left on the shelf for 30 years. Might as well make a move on. And yes, in case you wonder, one of these days I’ll get to dealing with self-destruction and self-worth.


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