Physical and emotional changes

I’v decided to make this a continous blog so I’ll be adding as I proceed.

Next Monday it is 3 weeks ago that I quit from drinking on average 12 units of alcohol pro day. I mainly drank beer that could be sold under the German Reinheitsgebot – this ensures that it only contains what it should contain and no added sugar etc. And also ecological white or sometimes red wine. I know it all sounds hypocrite but I thought: even if I ruin myself, I might as well do that carefully. I want to still be alive atย  the time I decide to start living. I also ate to balance out the loss of vitamines, minerals and omega fat etc. But still…

Since I stopped several physical and mental changes occurred. Some have been mentioned already in other posts. But I thought I’dย  list them all here. In order of importance, to me.

1 No more suicide thoughts. Gone. Directly with taking back my Initiative. So much for authenticity. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I am still not emotionally stable but reading from day 1 to now I see and feel improvements. I guess I do not expect emotional stability until being in a situation where payment is secure.

Week 4: feeling more stable, stumbled over some issues that I are hurting but now I can ‘stay with it’ and not drown myself. So it feels like there can be healing.

2 I have no cravings for drink. And only a few thoughts about drinking or old pattern thoughts coming up. Like ‘shit, need to get the bottles out when they come visit’ while there are no bottles.

Week 4: still hardly any cravings. Quitting eating sugar was 4 times as hard. But that was my first ‘quit’ ever. After that I did smoking, caffeine and drinking.

3 No more pain in the chest, trembling in my heart and from that panic attacks. No pain in my left arm anymore (yes, I know… why did I drink if I had all of this?)

4 No more pain in the liver. And I can lay down on my left side again without feeling uncomfortable. Not sure if I’ve got this correctly but I believe an irritated liver can be so heavy that it presses down on the stomach and so and make you feel uncomfortable when laying on the left shoulder.

5 Less to no pain in my back (kidneys? I hope not, it was gone when I stopped drinking nettle tea aswell, that works on the kidneys but seems to be able to really irritate them.) It took 3 days for my urine to clear up and get less ‘thick’ (hopefully not ‘sugary’).

Week 4: docter says kidneys work ok.

6 I immediately slept better, get some help from some earplugs and my favourite tea ‘Celestial Seasoning’sย  ‘Sleep Time’. In the beginning I was very, very tired. The first 8-10 days I slept 2 hours during day time as well and about 10-12 at night. And I do not wake myself up because of a loud snore anymore so I guess that has improved too.

Week 4: waking up earlier, need less sleep.

7ย  When I drank I seemed to cry every day, all day. Whatever question one would ask I would cry or at least feel like crying. Gone. I do cry, but now it heals and the hurting stuff actually fades. Generally ‘not repairing emotionally’ was one of the things that worried me before but being overly sentimental seemed to be connected to alcohol too. Another one of these ‘authenticity thingies’

8 My hands stopped trembling visibly after 8 or 10 days or so. My A4 paper test is improving but still not 100%.

Week 4: A4 test still not 100%

9 I can focus longer than I could and thinking does not tire me anymore. But it is still a thing. Yesterday I posted on trust in myself but it does not only come down to trusting. I need ‘doing’ and the doing is not happening yet. I do feelย  that my post have become less erratic. My brain still has the tendency to jump everywhere, but it is getting less. I sometimes see where I trail of and can actually decide to leave some of the thoughts and subjects out of one post. But I still do not have my usual intelligence back, the sharp thinking, the clarity. Fogg is still there. I wonder now if I want it to leave…. That might be an issue. Hmmm.

Week 4: focus is getting better, posts still erratic but I am starting to see some of it and delete it beforehand.

10 The electricity running through my brain does not go all wrong anymore. I had these little lightnings in my brain sometimes. Scary, specifically when I read that alcohol abuse could cause epilepsy. They sort of go away immediately when eating Celtic Salt.

11 My eye sight has improved. Possibly because I am less tired. Possibly because I want to be more ‘clear’.

12 My skin and skin tone have changed and I actually get sunburned now with less sun that I had before. Before I could stay in the sun for 2 hours and stay white. Now, and later in the season, I am in the sun for 20 minutes and turn red. Not sure how that works. Also, because I am less bloated, the wrinkles around my eyes have tripled in size and I have bags under my eyes but that is only because the rest of the puffiness is gone. My breasts are starting to hang too because off being less puffy. Also, because of being less bloated I can feel the lobules better, but they hurt less and less every day. Beer contains hop and hop contains phytoestrogens that mimic the estrogens of the body and cause beer ‘tits’ and a beer belly in man and women.

My hands are still red in colour. But less now everyday. This also has something to do with estrogens being out of balance. Week 4: still red hands, getting less but I would have thought is would go away quicker.

Less cellulite.

13 I am finally losing weight. That makes me very happy. My eating habits have changed completely. I was used to try to eat myself through the day, every piece of food was there as an answer to one or the other craving. The cravings have gone. Quantity and calorie wise I think I eat half of what I ate, no problem. And of course I do not drink 24 sandwiches at night. And alcohol is very stimulating to the bowels and races the food to its final destination. That is bad because only the calories get taken in, the nutrients seem to take longer. But that has changed immediately too.

Thirst is back. I had lost thirst, that is also a sign of dehydration. I think I could have lost more weight if I had not eaten my way through the first 3 detox days with a lot of pork meat (vitamin B of all kinds) and some comfort stuff like chips, chocolate (for the magnesium of course!!) and let us not forget the cod liver for vitamin D and A. Don’t be surprised that I gained about 2 kilo’s – part of which must have been water weight because of the Celtic salt solutions I drank. Of course. ๐Ÿ˜‰

14 When I don’t drink I wake up singing, I have more volume now and can hold a tone better. Cat doesn’t like it so it is on 14.

15 3 Weeks in. Sex drive returns in a disastrous way. Not felt anything seriously for any guy for about 3-4 years. Imagine being in a programme where everybody starts at the same time and then this happens. Gheghegheghe.

16 The inside of my throat stopped hurting after about 3-4 days. That took longer than I thought.

 

Things that have not changed yet in order of importance

1 I have quite an issue with my memory, I guess it needs practice, it does not feel unrepairable but the ‘not wanting to be in the moment practice’ that I have done has taken its toll. My memory has become lazy. I would have expected it to have improved by now but it hasn’t. I guess it has to do with my hiding inside not doing stuff. I think I am making good progress but every day is sort of the same if you look at what I do. Sleep, read, blog,ย  clean, shop, eat. And pat the cat.

Week 4: My memory is getting better with doing more stuff outside the house. Memory seems to need reference points. But my time reference is still off. That can also be influenced by the changes I go through. I have a lot of internal experiences that are not measureable in time. If I vacuum the house I know how long it takes. If I read a book and have a tremendous insight it can take 3 seconds or half an hour. I don’t know.

2 My tongue still has these little indents at the side. Which is no good because it is an indication of nutrients not arriving at the right places in the body.

3 I still have a lot of tension in my body, can’t relax, not ever, only sleep. Need to ensure me an income from scratch while bill are piling up. That does cause tension.

Week 4: The tension is still there, getting a little less and there are some moments that I can actually enjoy being alive and in the moment. Being in nature or looking at a sunset helps very much.

4 I was hoping for beautiful meaningful dreams, at least 3 of them every night. But ‘all’ I get are these stupid, boring dreams that drag on and on and on. Maybe I’m in a rut. That’s what it’s telling.

Week 4: having beautiful dreams but forgetting them. I need to build a board behind my bed so I can sit up straight and write at night. Not a day goes by though that I remember very old dreams that seemd irrelevant then, but suddenly have meaning now.

5 I was expecting some ‘work’ and ‘repairs’ needed to be done ‘on me’. After all I have been not living through experiences for many years so I could easily have a backlog and lack of experience. The work that needs to be done is in fields where I did not expect it. I expected the cravings to be really hard but I have non. And I expected the work on me to be pleasurable and interesting and special. Ghegheghe. Well, actually, I am having fun with me. And I do know that might not seem so. My blog is rather dark, a-social, one-sided, most probably a 100 times too honest and all in all a 1000 times too awkward. All my neighbour bloggers have 294 followers and as many likes from day one, which I guess I will never ‘have’ because of that. But I put, somethings throw (sorry) this shit (sorry) out here because I don’t want to ruin friendships (sorry) with my mess (sorry again). The stuff I carry around is not suitable for a kitchen table. When at a kitchen table I want to be together, enjoy a nice dinner. We talk and we talk of some of the difficulties that we have, but not of the deep shit that worries me currently. My need is in being able to experience the good and the normal and the way it should be. Hence the blog.

Week 4: still no cravings, loads of work on me. Still having fun even though some of it might seem pretty dark and angry. Though I feel that there is some light in the darkness and that I do have repair skills. Added a ‘follow’ button to my blog today. Really hope that more people will comment. It has taken me 4 weeks to come to a point where I can be happy and excited about that. It is good.

6 My eyes are still a little red. I always thought it was from the booze but they are still red now. So I guess there is more to it. They are pretty dry too.ย  The white around it is whiter and they actually see more happy things and when I look into the mirror they smile at me. ๐Ÿ™‚

Week 4: starting to like the look on my face and my face again. That is years ago. Eyes are still red and dry but it is a surface red that goes away quickly.

7 The top of my head is cold since I stopped drinking. Not sure why. Maybe it has always been cold and I never noticed. Dunno. Ha, googled it, internet is filled with cold heads :-). Where would we be without Google. Well, calling our mothers or aunties, that’s where we would be, or wearing hats.

Conclusion: I’m doing all right but I haven’t gotten to doing what I should do and that is keeping me down. Yes, hanging on to misery keeps my identity in tact so there is some ‘gain’. :-D.

Happy that I quit and happy that you have read to all of this. ๐Ÿ™‚ Please leave a post if you like.

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3 thoughts on “Physical and emotional changes

  1. hey there! I’m on about the same time line as you… day 24 here. I’m noticing some of the same changes you are, tho I wish I could say I’m losing weight!! good for you!!! clearly I’m still filling the void (and my mouth!!!) with other means of comfort. keep it up… I’ll follow you! I’m new to blogging too and I feel the same way about not having tons of followers. but I guess the point of writing is just to get it out of our heads so we are free of the crazy thoughts. anyhow, glad I found you ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

    • Hi Ilpetunia, nice that you quite too! And nice to know more bloggers on the same timeline. Thanks for following, following you too now. ๐Ÿ™‚ And oooh yes, I did leave that comment about likes and followers in there. I feel / felt a bit ashamed about it, sort of whining, thought long about it leaving it in and then decided that I should because it is how I feel and then made me forget about it because I did not dare to leave it in.

      But I guessed this is what happened. I got out, read blogs, then thought ‘that would be good for me, just for me (obviously covering my ass up front) indeed to clear out the crazy, document the process, work out issues, not for others but online so it feels more connected than in a Word file and therefore is more like an obligation.’ And low and behold there I am, worrying about getting likes (being liked?). Even though it is not the most pleasant feeling, I am glad that I’m not the only one having it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Re-discovering connecting and how and when and what is I guess a big part of the repairs that are happening / I have to do.

      Like

  2. Pingback: Additional physical and mental changes | feelingmywaybackintolife

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